Young Hearts Fade into the Flood
by Bew0G
Summary: Those two just killed me in 7x10. This story is set after the episode and centers on the aftermath and what season 7 could look like if the writers were fanfiction writers. Thank God they're not for our poor little hearts. ;) #DARVEY 100% Summary: Donna took the first step, how will Harvey and Donna react? Language and explicit content in several chapters (but you are warned).
1. Chapter 1

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

Such a monumental event cannot go by unnoticed. Yet, no one saw it but them. A gait's forcefulness leading to lips pressing against lips and caresses as light as the dim atmosphere of Donna's office. Pressed against his chest and cupping his face, she had exposed herself. Not to the world, she thought. But to her world she had. She had to know. She had to know two things actually. But processing those information in the elevator was not going to help her plan a reaction once he'd decide to confront her about it. Instead, her brain focused on how _she_ felt. Self-esteem, self-confidence, those nouns she embodied, which her friends, family as well as her enemies had associated her with – tried to draw from or, inevitably, leech or break so many times – had disappeared in the blink of an eye. Esteem and confidence would have to carry on without her.

She had missed that train. No, scratch that metaphor, she thought. Maybe that train had always been moving forward without her aboard. It was ironic because, all things considered, she had been a passenger from the get go. A sad technicality is that she never wanted to be just a passenger. In the firm's elevator she is being transported downward, she has no control. A downward spiral of doom is about to set in. What's the point of living without him? What was the point of working with – she corrected herself – for him all those years?

"Don't go there," she whispered to herself, rolling her teary eyes as the elevator doors opened on the exit floor.

On an impulse, she had launched onto the man she wanted. Having cheated yourself for years doesn't give you the right to make the one you love become disloyal. The one you love. That was answer number one.

It had truly been a desperate move. She knew that she would be at the end of her rope in the morning.

Pausing at the glass doors, she looked back at the elevator one last time before leaving the skyscraper but not her memories. She stepped onto the soaked and darkened pavement of the city she felt she no longer gazed at these days. Maybe taking a break would be nice. Roaming around the city till dusk and letting go. Better than plunging into darkness and never coming back from it. Better than seeing – literally screwing your brains out with – a therapist for months, she laughed internally. She thought she was being bloody-minded but all she wanted to do was cry out the pain she felt. Her hair, face and dress were drenched from the rain. Her appearance epitomized a great role for an actress but a pathetic excuse of a woman for a former legal secretary. She hailed a cab and vowed never to let her world bring her to this breaking point ever again.

She never got into that cab.

* * *

She felt a hand grab her arm before she could turn the car door handle open. It felt like a familiar and yet unfamiliar hand at the same time. A grip she knew had been scarce. A grip that once allowed her to surrender to him. Another time and a different use.

"No," she heard him shout before he dragged her back inside the building. She had no strength left in her to fight him.

He closed the glass door behind them and watched her from head to toe. "Look at you, you're gonna catch a cold."

He took off his jacket and suggested she put it on for warmth. "I don't need your jacket to hear what's coming." Her voice quavered as she was rejecting his offer.

"What's coming is a lecture on teeth chattering," he replied, louder than he had intended to. She didn't budge. "Fine, you don't wanna wear the damn jacket?" He asked and added, "Don't wear the damn jacket. But you're going to tell me–" he stopped himself mid-sentence sensing the coming argument would put her in distress.

Harvey couldn't stand the sight before him. His former secretary looked worse than what he had in mind when he decided to run after her. She looked pale and fragile as if she were about to break.

She had been that good man for him up until now. He had every right to break her for what she had done and yet, he had no right to.

"Tell you what, Harvey?" Donna said softly, still managing to break him out of his daydream. She was dreading the coming question – _the_ information that would annihilate her.

"Why now?"

That was answer number two. He will never be able to come to terms with how he feels.

"Wrong question." She cried out, trying to move past him. He grabbed her by the waist to stop her from moving,

"Oh, all right, let me rephrase then. Why now when I'm in a relationship?" He rephrased, abrasively. His eyes bore into her forehead and her hair. He was holding her and his entire being was screaming not to let go.

She didn't have it in her to say 'let me go'. Being physically close to him was too much. Instead, she settled for a quick – not so witted – come back. "Don't use that lawyer tone with me."

"Look at me, Donna." He said softly. She tilted her head back to look at him, the mixture of rain and tears now evident to him. "Just answer me, please," he begged.

"You know why," she uttered the way he had done once before.

"You're in love with me," he said, almost questioning the type of sentence he had just used as if realization hit just a tiny bit too much.

This was too much for her. "Let me go, Harvey," she said, trying to disengage herself from his grasp.

And that is when he let her go and lost it. "You're incredible, you know that?" he burst out. Donna had been dreading that moment since the moment he had stopped her from setting off into the streets of Manhattan. He was going to lash out on her. "Oh sorry Harvey, I had to know," he began. "I'm in love with you Harvey but oh, wait you have a girlfriend so I have to be sorry for what I'm making you do right now. Understand me, I'm Donna, I've been the perfect confident all those years but I've finally found the courage to tell you how I feel. Never mind the fact that you're in a happy relationship and have issues with infidelity. No, I'm the almighty Donna and I do as I please. I'm jealous of you guys. Oh yeah, it doesn't mean… right. Lies. We had everything Donna and you screwed it up in ten seconds time."

"You're being unfair to me. Deep down you know this has never been enough for you either," she answered, rage having taken over the better part of her.

"You kissed me first, Donna. The words came after!" he said and added, still angry, "Weren't you in a relationship last year? Weren't you satisfied? Did I get jealous? No. I never kissed you while you were with this guy."

"Why bring up Mitchell?" Donna asked, surprised.

"Because everybody at this goddamn firm seems to think the word family means we have the right to delve into each other's personal lives. See how good I am at giving back?" he said easing himself back into her personal space.

"Don't come any clos–" she gestured at their proximity but couldn't finish her sentence.

"Is a quick fuck what you want? Was that it? For old times' sake, huh?" He spat out, cutting her off bitterly. He wasn't really making sense anymore. Anger had built up to a point where Donna was not the recipient of his words. he just wanted to hurt her. "Cause I have to give it to you, that kiss _did_ make me _feel_ for sure," he stressed on the word 'feel' too long and regretted it the second he said it.

Donna felt beyond repair. All she could do was muster up the courage to give him some clarity. "You've said horrible things to me before, Harvey but never once have I heard you treat me like a whore. You're no better than Malik" She explained and added, "Your issues with your mother run deep but I'm not your mother. I'm a woman who made a choice. I've been in love with you since day one and I poured my heart out to you tonight because I'm scared of losing you forever. Yes, this is selfish. I had to do this for me. I do worry about tomorrow but I will never, you hear me? Never regret the moment I kissed you."

She was about to leave him standing there when staring at the ground floor he eventually uttered, "I hate myself Donna. I hate myself because…if I'm evil to the woman I'm with like the ones before her, how can I be good?"

"What do you mean 'evil'?" She asked, stopping dead in her track and scared of her own words.

"I've been cheating on them for twelve years," he said, meeting her brown eyes and added matter-of-factly, "like mother, like son."

* * *

 **I haven't written a fic in ages. But those two deserver it. Please rate / comment and let me know what you think and if I should continue. Thanks.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 _"What do you mean 'evil'?" she asked, stopping dead in her track and scared of her own words._

 _"I've been cheating on them for twelve years," he said, meeting her brown eyes and added matter-of-factly, "Like mother, like son."_

She understood the implication. Taking in the shell of a man her former boss had become this instant, she felt a sudden rush of multiple feelings: pride, hatred, longing and hysteria. They came crashing all at once. Her heart skipped several beats while her synapses went into overdrive. The workings of mixed electrical and chemical signals in her body rendered her speechless.

Observing the crazed look in her eyes, he asked her, almost pleading: "Say something, Donna."

"More like thirteen," she specified, staring at him.

"Are you mocking me?" he paused, not understanding her reaction, "For crying out loud, Donna, can't you be serious for a minute?"

"I can't Harvey," she replied, trying to compose herself and prevent a nervous laugh from ruining their situation more than it already was. "You're telling me that you've been thinking of me all those years. I'm sorry but what the hell is wrong with you? If you're being evil to anyone, it's to me you goddamn fool."

"What the–?" He tried to ask before she cut him off; signaling to him the apex of her exertion was imminent.

"You're saying you cannot be with _me_ because you don't think you'd be good enough for me?" She stressed before connecting the dots for him: "Knowing _you_ 've felt something for me all this time and therefore cheated on all those women with a working relationship-slash-friendship makes you think your tombstone epitaph should read 'Harvey Specter knew too much about infidelity'?" she paused, catching her breath. "Connecting with me on an emotional level doesn't make you your mother and it certainly does not make you a cheater, Harvey!" she finished.

"Yeah, but desiring you every goddamn day does!" he lashed out against her as if he regretted it. "I've never been able to let go. You're in me. You get under my skin. You know I've always wanted you for myself. Hell! You have no idea how I miss not seeing you every day at my desk, at your cubicle, strutting in and out of my office like you own the place. Like you own me. Even when you weren't on my side, you were there to help me through everything. Whether I was working on a case, trying to defend the firm or fighting with Scottie, you were the reminder of a life that could have been."

"Good grace, now I'm the alternative," she said with a look of disbelief on her face.

He moved back into her personal space and countered, "No, you don't get it. You're too beautiful and hot to be a secretary."

"Even better, I'm being objectified!" she laughed, nervously.

"No it came out wrongly, what I mean is, of course you must have been wearing those dresses for me – some, I bought for you – and I got around to accepting the idea that they were meant to make me look good. But you know it's not true. I've always said that the people who work for me have to be a reflection of me but I never asked you to." he paused, trying to assert how much he had hurt her with his explanation. "You were a constant distraction. And I was boiling from the inside every time Tanner or Stephen Huntly or any other guy had to go through _you_ to see _me_ because they were free to look at you the way I couldn't."

"But, you were looking at me like that when I wasn't looking, weren't you?" she asked, point blank.

"What? I –" he changed the subject, getting back into some sort of comfort zone. "You had no right to torment me like that. You went too far with that kiss."

"Do I make you nervous, right now?" she asked, baldly, trying to hold his gaze with her own.

As if caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing, he held his breath a second too long before he averted his eyes from her and stated: "No."

He couldn't bear looking her in the eyes when he added: "Now excuse me but I have to go see my girlfriend and hope she doesn't leave me over this."

"You're not evil. You're impossible," she sighed, her words still loud enough for him to hear even several feet away from her.

Grasping the glass door handle, he put an end to their heated argument, "I'll see you in the morning."

She closed her eyes when she heard the glass door slam behind him.

* * *

She had asked him bluntly if she made him nervous. Why? To gauge his reaction, she thought, leaning against the now closed door of her apartment. Dropping her keychain on the floor, she followed soon after, bawling her eyes out. She was brooding over the entire night. They were standing on a thin line. She would have been crawling on the floor to her bedroom if she hadn't thought herself worthy of some dignity. He let his walls down only to bring them back up in a matter of seconds. She took off her high heel Manolo pumps. Those walls he had built to protect himself from the very idea of them together were not so unbreakable. She was certain now that he had been capable of looking at her that way for years. She knew. Of course, she knew. She would look like a complete fool in the eyes of the world now trying to convince herself she only dressed up to feel good about herself or with regard to her position as secretary. She managed to get undressed without ruining her $1,500 Roksanda 'Lavete' dress. Still wearing eyeliner and mascara that had smudged and run, she didn't bother to stop by the bathroom or to take off her underwear. Instead, she crawled into bed, trying to sleep it – something that should have made her feel more empowered – off.

He didn't sleep either that night. He was lying in bed with his girlfriend, feeling worse than the blues. He felt drained, empty.

The emotions they had shared last night had been excruciatingly painful. Painful for they spoke the truth. He is just as much of a fraud as Mike was, except in the love department. No, he is much worse than Mike. He's the one responsible for hiring Mike and parading him as an amazing lawyer. She was in on the lie. She always supported him and never broke his trust. She had been loyal all the way.

He had called Paula and asked her to come by. He had wanted to tell her. He did but he couldn't bring himself to. Instead he had just told her he wanted her to stay the night. He slept with her. Felt some release and woke up where he is now: in a fucked-up state of mind. He's thinking of his mother and how he's betraying two women at the same time.

He's seen her naked a million times; wishing she'd take care of him, wishing she'd push him over the edge and help them come to terms with their feelings. His mind had been racing about her, how vulnerable she looked standing in front of him. Paula could not have guessed she was the recipient of her man's longing for another woman.

He wasn't ready to get ready. To get all dressed up and go to work. Think of that kiss. See her naked one more time.

* * *

 **Thank you for all the great reviews. Please continue to do so and I'll continue writing cause let's be honest, none of us would share these stories if we didn't want some form of recognition for countless hours of drinking red bull in front of a screen, typing our eyes out :P**

 **Hope you enjoyed this chapter. I'll start writing chapter 3 tonight.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

Walking from the PSL lobby to his office, Harvey's brain was crumbling under a pile of thoughts. Would she be in her office this early? It was 7:30 in the morning and he had left his apartment in a hurry. He had left Paula a note telling her he would be busy at work and that he wouldn't have time for lunch. A last-minute scratchy addendum specified:

 _I'll see you. tonight. You pick the movie._

He had trouble writing that last bit. Not that he didn't want to spend time with her, but he didn't want to show too much affection with a kiss or a closing line that meant more than he thought himself capable of giving.

He paused for a moment before turning into their corridor. Two adjacent offices which had created a different view on things: an isolated or isolating proximity, he thought. He cleared his throat feeling this would help him confront her once more. He wanted – needed – to confront her again. Why confront when you can let things take their natural course? Promise to let things go, like he did back when he told her he loved her. And where did that lead? She had left him.

He hadn't been able to avoid the Donna case for the better part of six hours however and his lack of sleep certainly wouldn't help. There would be no other way to break the ice but to confront her again, no matter the outcome.

But she wasn't there. Instead he saw Louis walk up to him and call out his name:

"Harvey!" he paused for a minute, taking in the taller man's small eyes, deeper wrinkles and tired demeanor and added: "Wow, why do you look like shit hit you in the face?"

"Thanks Louis –" Harvey answered, unamused and offered his usual repartee, "After years of looking good, I can finally relate to you."

Louis brushed his friend's comment off and started rambling on and on, holding out his smartphone, "Never mind, why didn't you answer my calls last night? I know Jessica doesn't want our help – she texted me. But you agree with me that we have to take this Malik son of a bitch down anyway, don't you?"

Jessica. His mind had been so focused on Donna that he had – not forgotten but – omitted this part of a busy night. "She's getting disbarred whether we like it or not, Louis. She'll still be able to practice in Chicago. You and I are in this together now." Harvey said with a sad smile yet the tone in his voice was clearly claiming defeat.

Louis Litt was holding back small tears the way he knows best with his head held high.

"It's okay, Louis. We can do this. If Malik comes at our throats again, we'll push harder." Harvey continued, resting his hand on his partner and friend's shoulder. "This is our firm; we won't let it be stained by assholes."

"We have to tell Donna, Mike, Rachel, the associates… everybody. I'll let everyone know we should meet in the conference room at zero nine hundred!" Louis concluded military-style.

"Yes, sir." Harvey saluted with a grin he thought would never come. But before his partner could walk away, he asked more seriously: "By the way, have you seen Donna?"

"You know Donna doesn't come in until 8. Given the circumstances and my incessant calls I'm not surprised to see _you_ in the office this early but come on Harvey! Haven't you known the woman for God only knows how long? Wasn't it twelve years or something?" Louis quirked an eyebrow and sneered slightly.

Harvey sighed, shaking his head and offered his friend a small smile in return and said: "Thirteen actually." Louis could have sworn his partner had meant it as if it had been his entire life.

* * *

It was 7:30 when she hit the shower. Too short a night, she thought. Taking in the sight of her feet, arms, legs, breasts, touching her belly, she felt older – older than she had ever felt before. Past her childbearing age with no love life to speak of and a heart reduced to a mere grape from disillusionment. She had lost years for a life that would never come. She had friends at least – and freckles to die for, an ex-boyfriend of hers had told her once. Her family wasn't too awful but she didn't see her mother that often. Maybe she should give her a call sometime. Soon.

I might not even be able to give him kids, she thought, exiting the shower, drying herself and watching her reflection in the mirror. Maybe that's why he chose her. She's younger and he can build a future with her. That's a question she had never asked him – even out of pure curiosity. Children.

Grabbing a smaller towel from the hanger, she securely put it around her hair and cursed herself for being worse than most women out there. Imagining life when you can't even begin to fathom said life with said someone.

Back in her bedroom, she moved to her closet, rummaging through her outfits and dresses. She wasn't in the mood to wear any of those. She didn't want to look good. For the first time since she was rehired after the memo – mock trial – fiasco five years ago, she didn't want to have to fall back on his gaze for comfort and make her feel good about herself. One boyfriend lost, one argument bringing her to tears, she could still picture him smile right back at her in the morning. Even when they argued, she wanted to look good for him; she wanted to feel fulfilled through him.

She opted for a pair of Gucci black straight leg trousers, knowing full well she would still look okay for the office. She decided on a cream colored top with a portrait neckline and her favorite pair of black Jimmy Choo. High heel pumps were a dead given. She was trying to convince herself that she was doing this for her.

Once she was dressed, she thought about applying some make-up. She wanted to put herself first again but the eyeliner would have to be enough. She would be in the nude from fear of crying rivers again.

Taking a quick look at herself in the mirror, she felt nothing. Grabbing her purse in the hallway, she left for the last place on earth she wanted to go to. One has to live their miserable life anyway, and they need to provide for that. _From home to work me go_ , she thought, locking the main door on her way out.

* * *

At 9 AM sharp, Mike, Rachel, Harvey, Louis and Katrina were all seated in the conference room waiting for Louis's battle plan.

Harvey's mind was elsewhere. She hadn't arrived. Would she even show up? Of course everybody else had noticed and kept on suggesting they wait for Donna.

"I texted her about an hour ago but she didn't reply." Louis explained. This small information made Harvey worry.

"She's the COO. We have to wait for her." Mike added and Rachel nodded in agreement.

"I have no intention of starting without her." Louis said before moving to the glass door and then shouted: "Gretchen, text Donna again!"

"No Mr. Litt, I won't. I have texted Miss Paulsen twice already and she hasn't answered." Gretchen replied, scolding the partner a bit and sighed, "Maybe you should start without her."

"Who cares? Some of us have real work to do you know. So, please can we get this over with?" Katrina argued with an exasperated sigh.

"What is wrong with you?" Rachel cut in, "Are you suggesting –"

Tapping on the table, Harvey couldn't take it anymore and came out of his silent shell, "She's not coming. Let's begin."

"How do you know she's not coming?" Mike raised an eyebrow.

"Trust me, she's–" Mike saw Harvey's breath getting caught up in his throat and sat bolt upright with a jolt. Cut off by the sound of the glass door being opened. All gazes shifted to the woman who had entered the room. The closeted space became quiet as two pair of brown eyes locked.

They felt suspended in time.

Eventually getting her best poker face on, Donna walked up to the opposite side of the table and sat next to Rachel. She knew Harvey was glancing at her when she wasn't looking.

"Well I'm here now. So tell me what is going on, Louis?" Donna asked, making it clear she had heard the crew from afar, though desperately trying to focus on the issue at hand. "You said to meet you in the conference room ASAP twice."

"Jessica is getting disbarred. She wants us to take her name off the wall." Harvey said, making her glimpse right back at him for a moment.

"Oh my God!" Donna uttered suddenly.

"This is what I wanted to talk to you about last night." Harvey continued, trying not to put too much emphasis on his last two words. The scene didn't go unnoticed by the younger couple.

A strange feeling coursing through his veins had Mike decide he would be the one to tell Donna about Malik's involvement. "Malik went after her to get to Harvey."

The memory of Malik making it look like she had been whoring herself out to Harvey for years brought a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.

The redhead's reaction told Harvey she wouldn't let the firm – him – down. "Will she still be able to practice law in Chicago?" Donna asked, confused.

"She will." Rachel nodded and added, "But we need to acknowledge her departure from the firm as an event that wasn't related to Mike getting out of prison, nor that was Malik's doing."

"Yeah but the New York Bar Association and the DA's office will see through this." Mike countered.

"Which is why we need to make it look good!" Louis got the situation room back on track and continued, "I called Jessica thirty minutes ago and she's on board."

"On board with what?" Katrina asked.

"With saving the firm's reputation once her name is taken off the wall by any means necessary." Harvey explained.

"By throwing an expensive party? I'm sorry but since when is the COO an event planner?" Katrina asked rhetorically. Standing up from her chair, she added: "You truly don't need me for that. Now can I go back to working on my cases?"

"No." Everybody but Donna shouted as if they were part of a choir.

"Now if you want to stay at this firm, sit the hell back down and listen to the woman who's gonna have some real work to do to save this firm and incidentally, all of our clients." Harvey interjected. Both Katrina and Donna froze on the spot, only not for the same reasons.

"Donna." Louis added, expecting Donna to put her talent to use.

Frowning – instead of staring at her boss with her mouth agape, Donna crossed her legs and lied back on her chair. Her gaze switched from Harvey to Louis. Donna liked to take up a challenge and Katrina had just given her one. Her posture and how she bit the inside of her cheek had an undesired effect on Harvey. She closed her eyes for a moment, heaved a sigh and blurted out the details which were expected from her: "We need to throw a Fundraiser for pro-bono cases aka a send-off party in front of the entire NYBA, corporate firms' philanthropists and the District Attorney."

For the next twenty minutes as she was figuring out ways to help the firm, planning, deciding on something she mastered, listing all her various contacts, she felt younger and more confident than she had felt in forty-eight hours. She could do this. She would do this. For Jessica, for Louis and for the man who had given her something more. Today of all days, she still had that something. She was responding to their needs. She was doing her job.

Harvey couldn't help but stare at the woman before him, having blurred out his co-workers, his eyes focused on her moving lips, on how driven she looked. This could have been a movie with him as sole spectator.

"I think we've got everything we need." Louis said ending the meeting. "Now if you'll excuse me, it's prunie time. And Katrina? I expect to see you in my office at thirteen hundred," he added, marching out of the room.

"That means 1 PM, right?" Katrina sighed sending a look to Mike and Rachel who were heading for the door as well.

"This firm's our family Katrina. Either you want to be part of it or you don't." Mike retorted escorting Rachel outside the conference room with Katrina trailing behind.

Rachel couldn't help but glance back at her best friend. Donna stood still as a rock with a piercing look in her eyes, staring straight into the eyes of the managing partner. Their attitude, how they had exchanged brief looks during the entire meeting seemed eerie. Rachel had a lot of questions for her. Soon enough, she thought.

Harvey and Donna were still sitting across from each other. The question was who would fire up that conversation first. Harvey was about to speak when Donna stood up and headed straight for the door. Without thinking, Harvey stood upright and caught her by the arm. His hold on her becoming stronger with each second as he sensed she wouldn't turn around to face him.

"Okay, I get it. You don't want to do this here or now." Harvey whispered. "But just so you know, not matter what you say or what you wear, you always make me nervous."

In the span of three seconds, Donna's stance shifted and her mind was turned upside down: his firm grip, his gaze – looking good, right? The uncertainty of the situation was all over her face.

* * *

 **I hope you guys liked this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Got some serious kick out of it. Please please comment and I promise, you'll get a chapter within the next 10 hours.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

Donna felt her cheeks turn crimson. Her body tensed under his words and his touch. He had effectively rendered her speechless. He had gotten her bound to him all over again.

"So, this is what crossing the line feels like." Harvey admitted, tugging at her arm to make her face him. "I feel better now that this is out in the open."

"What are you playing at?" she asked him. She mentally thanked the foundation she had put on this morning. The skin-colored make-up hid her flushed complexion. "One minute you're defending me and now you feel like making fun of me or worse, humiliating me?" she asked, not quite understanding his acerbic demeanor.

"Tell me Donna, how is letting you know how I feel humiliating?" Harvey replied. Their faces barely inches away from each other. She could feel his breath tickling a soft spot near her nose.

Harvey continued with a self-righteous remark: "I'm only giving back, Donna." It hit her right then; she didn't look good to him and neither did he to her. Nothing looked good. No good deeds to expect and they were not on any terms. Nothing was going to come out of this.

"Take that smug smile off your face and let go of my arm or I'll–." Donna threatened.

"You'll do what Donna? Kick me in the balls?" he scoffed, letting go of her arm anyway. "Cause it sure as hell won't hurt as much as you revealing your feelings to me did." he added angrily, moving away from her and towards the large window.

"Just say the word and I'll quit my job. I'll go home and you'll never see me again." she said, exasperated.

"What?" he asked, confused. This is not what he had in mind when he had stopped her from walking out of the room.

"I'm not going to be able to take this, Harvey. Your outbursts are starting to scare the shit out of me."

"If it hadn't been for that rule of yours–" His voice softened, allowing himself to show her a piece of his mind.

"Don't even try to use that as an excuse, I decided to forgo my rule when I dated Stephen, you had plenty of time to make a move on me, but no! You'd rather tell me you love me but never go where we apparently both wanted to be." she said, watching him hide his face in his hands, breathing in loudly.

"Why kiss me?" he yelled at her, his face turning red.

"Because I needed to," she shouted right back at him.

"You had no right," he continued yelling, echoing something he had said to her long ago.

"I don't care!" she admitted, mimicking his thoughts. "Because you always say actions speak louder than words, Harvey. And my words haven't mattered to you for a very long time."

Suddenly, he grabbed the tray of drinks that was on the table and threw it against the wall. The sound of glass breaking startled her. In that moment, she felt responsible to the point where everything inside her ached. The man she used to know was just a figment of her imagination. He wasn't a man. He was a distraught boy whose fantasy world had been destroyed. His pent-up emotions had come crashing back into his heart. He was that broken glass. Was it her job to pick up the pieces? A therapist's? It stirred memories of Paula and how she was supposed to help him. Had she? Was she? Nothing seemed certain anymore.

Seeing his anger subside, Donna heaved a sigh and told him: "I'll be in my office but don't even think I'll let you walk right in like this."

As he turned around she was gone. He felt awful. He wished for her pity. He wished for the words she felt didn't matter to him anymore. But she was wrong. He had just blocked them out, discarded them – afraid they would lose it all. Instead of giving him a moment of comfort, she had seen through his bullshit and had lent him a hand. She had given him more. She had given him hope for a different kind of confrontation: a conversation.

* * *

Mike had seen his friend's temper rising from afar and had thought about stepping in but decided against it when he saw Donna could handle her own. He still felt he had to give his friend a piece of his mind and followed him.

Harvey headed to the men's room to freshen up. He had truly worked up a sweat in the conference room. He undid his tie from fear of having a panic attack. He looked disheveled. He definitely couldn't go see clients like this, he thought.

"I saw you yell at Donna in the conference room. What the hell is wrong with you?" Mike burst in, aggressively.

"I don't know, Mike," Harvey said, having trouble breathing. "I can't lose her," he managed to say between intakes.

"Okay, calm down Harvey. Here. Lie down," Mike said, helping his friend sit on the bathroom floor.

"What happened last night?" Mike asked when he noticed his friend's breathing had gone back to a normal rhythm.

"I went to her office to tell her about Jessica and she kissed me," he let out.

"Okay and I take it that you've been lashing out on her because of that," Mike answered his own question.

"What I want to do to myself I do to her," Harvey admitted.

"Did you tell Paula about the kiss?" Mike asked his mentor.

"I can't cause… if I tell her that means I have to make a decision," Harvey explained, feeling the weight of the world on his shoulder subsiding.

Sensing his friend relaxing, Mike asked, knowing full well he would be getting into dangerous territory: "Do you want a relationship with Donna?"

"What I want is not to lose my relationship with Donna," Harvey sighed, shielding his view with his hands.

"So you want to remain friends with Donna?" Mike asked, doubtful.

"I've never been friends with Donna," Harvey answered, letting his arms fall back down.

"You're in love with her," Mike realized – out loud.

"I think I need therapy, Mike," Harvey stated, keeping his expression blank.

"Well, that is certainly a possibility. But you've already dealt with your issues with your mother. Paula helped you through that," Mike said, trying to alleviate his friend's brooding expression. "You have to realize Donna isn't your mother."

"I know that, Jeez. Paula would say I'm projecting," Harvey explained and added: "I'm just not sure where I stand and it's killing me."

"What do you mean?" Mike asked, feeling he was going way over his head with all those questions. But his friend needed to talk and he would stay with him until the bitter end.

"I told Donna I inherited my mother's infidelity genes," Harvey said, completely lucid. "I felt it as a boy when I kept things for myself, never telling my father about my mother's lover. And I feel it now by not telling Paula about Donna."

Mike had never seen Harvey like this: opening up about his issues with 'infidelity'. The younger attorney was now able to grasp the extent of his friend's turmoil.

"You're not a cheater, Harvey. You never cheated on Scottie or any of your other girlfriends," Mike said in an attempt to comfort his friend.

"I've always thought about Donna sexually. I've cheated on all of them Mike," he said.

"Sure, Harvey. That's a good analysis. But maybe, the crux of the problem is that you've got all of this reversed," Mike countered.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Harvey frowned.

"You say you're angry at yourself but who's the person who got hurt in that little scenario of yours?" Mike was unstoppable.

"I don't –" Harvey tried before Mike cut him off.

"– follow, yeah, right well, I think it's the other way around Harvey. You don't really care about the other women in your life. I think you believe you've been cheating on Donna from the start."

"You're the worst shrink I've ever seen," Harvey said, his mouth twitching.

"In my defense, you've been acting like you're straight out of the looney bin," Mike shrugged his shoulders.

Harvey stood up, cleaned up his pants and straightening his jacket. Mike looked up, watching his friend head for the door and asked: "You know she'll think you're an idiot for believing you were unfaithful to her this whole time, right?"

"I know. But that doesn't make it less true," Harvey admitted, the palm of his hand resting on the door frame for a second before exiting the bathroom. Mike had hit a nerve and put into words what he couldn't. Maybe his own reaction had been a little extreme. He did love Scottie and felt something strong for Paula. But Harvey felt a dreadful pang of guilt nonetheless.

* * *

Harvey hadn't come by her office. For the better part of the day, she managed to work on the fundraiser and kept her mind occupied. Louis had come in twice to check on her progress. When she heard someone storm the door open she couldn't help but think it was Louis: "What now Louis?"

Raising her head, she saw Rachel come in: "I think you have me confused with someone else, Miss Paulsen."

Donna's mouth curled up in a smile and said: "I'm COO now, Miss Zane. Do I need to remind you that you have to knock?"

"Ouch low blow!" Rachel smiled back at her.

Donna offered her friend a seat and asked: "So, what's up?"

"You and I are going to grab something to eat – or drink, after work. I'm buying," Rachel informed the fiery redhead.

"I'm going to bring some work home with me tonight, Rachel. I'm sorry but I only have three days to plan this," Donna pointed out.

"Then I'll come by yours with all the necessary supplies and help you reserve the Palm Court at the Plaza, contact their catering service and send out invites to every single corporate lawyer in Manhattan."

"How do you know about all this?" Donna asked, dumbfounded.

"I went to Louis for some financial advice on a case. But he kept on talking about the fundraiser and how we had to hold the event at the Plaza and that only you could get the job done within such a short amount of time." she acknowledged and giving her friend a knowing smile, added: "And I figured you could use the help!"

"It's okay, Rachel. You really don't have to come. I can do this," Rachel could tell Donna was on the verge of crying.

"What is going on, Donna?" Rachel asked, putting a comforting hand over her friend's.

"I need this, Rachel," Donna admitted.

"I'm not taking it away from you, Donna. I just don't want you to be alone tonight," Rachel said, wearing a knowing look that said it all.

"How do you know?" Donna asked, understanding her friend knew about Harvey and her.

"First of all, those," Rachel gestured at her friend's pants. "And second, let's just say that, for men, Harvey and Mike talk – a lot," Rachel said, giving her friend's hand a squeeze. "I'll pick you up at 8," Rachel added and left the COO's office.

* * *

Her desk finally sorted out, Donna was putting her laptop away in its sleeve. Rachel would be here soon and she was thankful for that. She was exhausted and thought she would pass out as soon as she would close the door of her apartment. Turning the main lights of her office out, she heard two knocks on her glass door.

"Come in, Rachel. Just let me grab my purse," she said. As she turned around she saw him barely visible in the dim light. She could tell his tie was loose and the gel in his hair was gone.

"Harvey," she uttered, her voice barely audible.

"I'm sorry to intrude. I won't be long," he said standing at the threshold of her office.

She held her breath, not sure of what to expect.

"I don't ever want you to quit because of me," he began. "I have no right to cause you any pain just because I can't deal with my shit. I'm sorry for toying with your feelings; I was only trying to express my own. I don't regret you kissing me; I just wish it had happened under better circumstances," he continued, moving a bit closer. She had a better view of his eyes now. "I'm going to tell Paula about our kiss because my loyalty is all I have and you know it," he sucked in a breath and added, "I won't give you false hope but you have to know that it has always been you. You're mine, whether you believe it or not. I wish I could touch you, feel you respond to my touch and make you feel the way I feel when I look at you," he paused, searching his words. "But I began something with this woman and I can't go back on my word. I asked her out for a reason, Donna. And it's up to me to figure out why I want things to work with her."

"You can't say all of these things to me and not know what you want," Donna asked, wearing her heart on her sleeve and staring deep into his eyes; wishing she hadn't.

Harvey remained silent while coming closer to her. To her surprise she saw him lean into her, pressing his forehead against hers and say: "Because it's easier this way."

"This is selfish and ridiculous Harvey," she said taking one step back. She could make out a small tear forming in his right eye.

"Last night you chose to put your own desires above mine. Allow me some peace of mind, will you?" he asked, having some difficulty letting go of her arms.

"I will," she said, watching him go. "Except love is a feeling you have to fight for and not wish for. You are mine, Harvey. But I'm definitely not yours."

Her words had the desired effect. He froze at the threshold once more but before he could turn around and speak whatever was on his mind at this very moment, Rachel turned up and gave him a confused look. And with that, he was gone.

"Are you okay, Donna?" Rachel asked and then rushed to her friend. "You're shaking."

"He's afraid he and I wouldn't work. That's it!" She said in disbelief. "And right this instant, I wish I didn't love him." Donna cried out the tears she had swallowed. "And it hurts, oh God, it hurts to see him so caged in his thoughts," Donna concluded, accepting her friend's embrace.

* * *

 **THANK YOU ALL FOR THE GREAT REVIEWS. THEY MADE MY DAY AND THIS IS WHY I SPENT THE LAST 3 HOURS WRITING THIS CHAPTER.**

 **This one I just finished writing so I'm sorry for the mistakes that will catch your eye. It is unbeta-ed. My friend should be able to correct everything tomorrow. Please, let me know what you think. I was afraid Harvey would seem a bit OOC but I didn't think I had too much of a choice since I'm trying to peel away Harvey's real feelings.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **A smaller chapter but I wrote three chapters in three days so be nice to me. ;) I do my best to answer all your reviews when possible. For those I can't directly reply to, thank you so much for taking the time to let me know your thoughts on different chapters. I honestly believe Harvey's therapy has been partially useless and him dating his therapist on the show was his way of putting an end to his therapy and somehow feel 'cured'. But remind me who convinced him to go talk to his mother? I think most of you get where I'm going with this fic.**

* * *

Rachel had taken Donna home. Donna was grateful for the unspoken bond they shared.

"We still have work to do, Rachel," Donna said with a sheepish look on her face as she got into bed.

"This can wait 'til tomorrow. I'll ask Louis if we can come into work later than usual," Rachel reassured her friend. "That should give us time to send out the invites and find a DJ."

Reaching Donna's bed, Rachel quickly sent Mike a text:

 _I'm staying with Donna tonight._

"A DJ? Really?" Donna raised an eyebrow and chuckled.

 _I couldn't get her to drink or eat anything. I don't want her to be alone._

"What can I say, I want to see Louis dance before the wedding, so I can know what to expect," Rachel pondered her last clause, slightly amused and still multitasking.

 _I'll see ya tomorrow. Love you. Xx_

"Poor Louis. He won't know what hit him," Donna said, yawning.

 _Ps. If you're having drinks with_

 _Harvey right now, POISON him._

"I don't think Harvey will know either." It was Rachel's turn to yawn. She quickly realized the error of her ways. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring him up."

"I'm sure you didn't … but now you've got me … curious," Donna stammered, stretching up a bit.

Rachel looked down at her lap and said: "I just texted Mike and told him to poison Harvey if he was having drinks with him."

"Don't worry; I know Mike won't 'poison' him _tonight_. He's supposed to go talk to Paula about me sucking on his lips," Donna chuckled even though her arms were folded tight.

Rachel's phone messenger beeped and she started reading her text.

 _Okay, WOML. Take good care of her._

 _PS. Yeah, he's still with me._

 _Bullshitting me into thinking_

 _he's feeling better._

 _But he knows I know he's a mess._

"What does it say, Rachel?" Donna asked, knowing full well the text would be from Mike.

Rachel started replying to Mike:

 _Yeah, don't push his buttons._

 _Love you, see you tomorrow. x_

"It says 'Okay WOML. Take good care of her.' And that Harvey isn't with him," Rachel panicked and lied. Her friend nodded in agreement. He would probably be on his way to Paula's soon anyway. She had no intention of making her friend worry more than she already had. Rachel gave Donna a small kiss on the forehead and switched off the lights.

"What's WOML?" Donna asked, only delaying her incoming slumber slightly.

"It stands for 'woman of my life', I have no idea how Mike comes up with such corny things sometimes." Rachel's comment put a smile on both women's face.

* * *

"Two more, Dave." Harvey asked the _230 Fifth_ bartender, holding out two fingers.

"I think you've had enough, Harv'," Mike glowered at the bartender, handing him two Bens. "What do you say I call Ray for you?" he added, giving his friend a pat on the back.

"I'm not drunk, you know. And I'm not an idiot," Harvey grumbled, took his phone out and texted Ray to pull up the car in front of the building.

"Yeah, I know. But your girlfriend is waiting for you," Mike reminded his friend.

"If she's still my girlfriend after tonight," Harvey said bitterly.

"And how would that be an issue, exactly?" Mike hadn't debated on asking that question for long. Rachel would despise him but he didn't care.

"The question isn't how, smart-ass, it's why," Harvey countered, still too evasive for the younger attorney's taste.

"You haven't answered that one either," Mike jabbed.

"What says you if I let you off the hook this time and don't throw that last drink in your face?" Harvey said, irritated.

"You love it when I do that," Mike said, lighting up the mood by saluting Harvey with his drink.

"No, I don't," Harvey shook his head and checked his phone:

 _Just pulled up, Mr. Specter._

"See you tomorrow, boss," Mike added.

"See you, Mike," Harvey said, heading for the elevators.

Ever since he had learned about the kiss, Mike couldn't help but think about his conversion with Donna about her opening up to Harvey. The man felt responsible for putting Harvey in this position. It wasn't his place to tell Harvey what to do but he just couldn't help it. He just hoped Harvey would someday realize that the only way to resolve his relationship issues was to come to terms with his Donna fantasy; or to choose her once and for all over everybody else. Mike's phone buzzed several minutes later. The text he received read:

 _Why you ask POML?_

 _My love for her is the reason why_

 _she'll resent me someday._

* * *

It was close to 9:30 when Harvey knocked on Paula's door. He didn't know how he would broach the subject. Would he tell her outright 'Donna kissed me'? Would he tell her it meant nothing? His questioning flew right out of his mind when she opened the door.

"Harvey!" Paula beamed and was about to kiss him when he blocked her with a hand on her shoulder.

"I have something to tell you and you might want to sit down for this," Harvey explained.

"What is going on, Harvey?" she asked, confusion written over her face.

"Paula, please, let's go into the living room," Harvey said.

"I'm not moving until you tell me what's going on," Paula insisted, folding her arms defensively.

"I kissed Donna," Harvey blurted out, falling back on his sword again.

Paula stood still, staring Harvey right in the eye. "The living room, okay," she eventually said, as if she had complied first and got her answer after.

Harvey sat down next to her and waited for her to speak. "Are you breaking up with me?" she asked him, all her insecurities resurfacing.

"No, Paula. I want us to talk about this," Harvey said, taking her hand in his.

"Was this before or after we had sex last night?" she asked, remembering his behavior the night before.

"Last night, before we had sex," he admitted.

"Now, I see," she lamented.

"What do you mean by that?" he asked, frowning.

"You were different. More intense," she gulped, mulling his sexual prowess over out loud.

"Stop shrinking me and–" he tried to say before she cut him off.

"Who really initiated the kiss, Harvey?" Paula asked, lacking confidence in her line of questioning.

"She did," he admitted, regretting it the second he had.

"So you kissed her back. That's a normal reaction when someone takes you by surprise," Paula analyzed.

"It did take me by surprise but–" he began but was cut off.

"At least you're being honest about it. But where does that leave us?" Paula asked, bluntly.

"She was feeling vulnerable after the hearing. Malik went too far, asserting she slept her way to the top," Harvey shrugged off her question.

"Did she? Sleep with you to get where she is?" Paula probed, sitting up.

He shook his head. "What? No."

"But you've slept with her before, am I right?" Paula persisted, pacing around the room.

"Once and it was a long time ago," he said even though he didn't like sharing details of their life he felt belonged to them only.

"How did the kiss make you feel?" There. That question he definitely would have trouble answering.

"I can't say I didn't like it," he paused and inevitably, lied, "But it wasn't enough to tempt me."

"You mean it was a lapse in judgment to respond to that kiss?" she asked. Her quiet behavior perplexed him.

"If you wish to see it that way, I won't argue with you." Harvey saw this as an opportunity to rest his case.

"Harvey, I don't particularly like the woman for what she's put you through but still, I bear her no ill will." Paula acknowledged.

"So, are we okay?" he stood up, asking her while hesitating between using his puppy dog face and searching her eyes.

"I won't say I don't want to hit the woman in the face," she admitted and added, "But I understand she was in need of comfort."

Harvey surprised Paula by hugging her: "Thank you," he simply said.

"But her unrequited love for you is sick; she needs to start seeking love elsewhere," Paula added, kissing his cheek. Looking into his eyes, she concluded: "At least she's not working for you anymore."

His eyes, the objection – and slight melancholy that transpired, made her realize how threatened she really felt.

* * *

 **I'll begin writing chapter 6 tonight! Hit me with your best - Pat Benatar reviews!**


	6. Chapter 6

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Okay, I did it. Chapter 6 is up. Job's taking up a lot of my time but I still think I wrote this one fast. I hope you like it. Keep on reviewing cause it makes me want to keep going and develop / finish this story. This is unbeta-ed, so I'm sorry for all the mistakes you'll come across when you read it. I'm really trying to feel some empathy towards Paula but I can't say it's easy.**

 **Warning: a bit of sexually explicit content in this one.**

* * *

 _But her unrequited love for you is sick._ Harvey couldn't help but reminisce on Paula's most inconclusive conclusions. He had to lie to her. There was nothing sick about Donna's love for him. It was unadulterated even though she had initiated that kiss. The entire conversation he and Paula had shared seemed closer to a therapy session than a lovers' quarrel. It had actually been easier to deal with that way. Too easy. He had thought about hiding the fact that it was Donna who had kissed him first but Paula had seen right through him – or was it that she had been looking for a culprit? Driven by one's hatred of the competition before eliminating it? He'd never thought about his girlfriend possibly hating the woman that mattered most to him. 'The woman that mattered most to him'; he was putting Donna on a pedestal again. All Paula could see were unrequited feelings materializing in a kiss but she hadn't considered the terrible sickness within him. Harvey stopped staring at the blackened ceiling when he felt Paula positioned herself between his thighs, her face close to his groin. He had thought her to be asleep this entire time.

"What are you doing?" Harvey asked, stunned at her actions.

"You know what I'm doing," she said with a luscious voice.

But her tone felt plain to him.

"I'm tired, Paula," he said, breathing in.

"You need to relax and I'm here to help you do just that," she said, claiming him.

He wished he'd screamed right there: _You think giving me head is gonna make it all go away? Are you serious right now?_

She knew she was doing a poor job by blurting out medical mumbo jumbo. Her mind was going places she never thought it'd go to. She wished she were her for a minute for she hadn't been on his mind all night.

He actually felt sorry for her. She was trying her best to make him redirect his attention to her.

But it felt good for a moment, allowing him not to think. He needed sleep. Sleep is how you get better, he thought. He felt her mouth on him, shaking off his ghostly demeanor – only he couldn't focus on her. He closed his eyes and pictured himself sleeping in another Midtown bedroom.

"Harvey?" Paula asked confused, whispering softly before she realized he had fallen asleep.

* * *

Donna spent the next two days planning the fundraiser. Rachel almost never left her side, assisting her any way she could. Harvey hadn't shown up at the office too much, working on a new case with Mike. Donna had brought up Harvey a few times in conversations; and each time, Rachel knew it didn't bode well for her friend's sanity to think about the possibility of the two buddies working on something shady – albeit trying to do the right thing.

"–You know Louis is so full of himself when it comes to his 'temple'," she made fun of the senior partner, making a quote-unquote sign with both hands.

"Yeah, he treats it as such apparently," Donna sniggered and paused for a moment, eyeing her salad carefully. "I heard one of Harvey's least favorite clients is getting poached by VanDyke," Donna broached, eating a bite of her salad.

"Yes, he and Mike are trying to get to the bottom of this. Someone tipped off VanDyke that Visionary-Data wants to get out of a multi-million dollar class suit and that they don't think Harvey and Mike will handle it without colluding against its CEO. And Sean Cahill really wants to take down V-D's CEO, Gary Douglas," Rachel explained with a sad look on her face.

"And you think this has to do with Mike?" Donna asked, concerned.

"I know that's what he believes," Rachel admitted with a sad look on her face.

"Just because Mike would rather support the class action than that greedy CEO doesn't mean he would go against Harvey. And you know damn well that the first who would collude with Cahill would be Harvey, not Mike. Unless..." Donna paused, not liking this one bit.

"Don't tell me you believe –" Rachel began to ask, knowing where her friend was going with this.

"Yes, someone's trying to set him up." Donna sighed. "I have to disinvite Cahill," Donna gasped out and rose from her seat.

"Sit down, Donna!" Rachel exclaimed. "You'll jump at the occasion of saving Harvey. Well don't. You might make things worse," she paused and gave her friend some advice. "Don't disinvite Cahill. You need proof to accuse someone of collusion. And Cahill not showing up at the party would signal that. The entire state bar will be there; VanDyke will be there and he might suggest that Harvey be prosecuted for misconduct."

"And this opens doors to a lot of shit," Donna sighed.

"Exactly," Rachel nodded in agreement.

"Then what should we do, Rach?" The pencil skirt aficionado could sense her friend's desperation.

"I'll talk to Mike. You just stay out of it considering how unstable your relationship with Harvey is at the moment," Rachel said and added, smiling: "You just make sure this charity fundraiser is this year's major event. Treat it like a temple."

Rachel left Donna's office, grabbed her smartphone from her purse and started texting Mike:

 _Hey, do you have a meeting with Harvey today?_

' _Cause Donna and I were talking about the_ _V-D_ _case_

 _and she thinks someone's plotting against Harvey_

 _in order to prosecute him for collusion._

 _I honestly believe she might be right about this._

 _Warn him but don't mention Donna. xx_

A few minutes later, she received a text from Mike:

 _Hey WOML; you're right, something doesn't add up._

 _I'll tell him to be careful. xx_

* * *

The night of the fundraiser was fast approaching. In less than six hours, Manhattan's – the nation that is, most pre-eminent law firms, litigators, prosecutors, the senior staff at the NY state Attorney General office and professors would gather to celebrate Jessica Pearson's departure from her firm and NYC. Jessica herself knew that most of them would turn up at the chance to officially say goodbye to such a famous African American lawyer. A most adequate reason indeed. The New York bar itself couldn't pass up the opportunity to let the press know she and the NYBA parted on friendly terms.

Harvey had been glancing at the corridor to his office for the past twenty minutes when he saw Rachel leave Donna's office. He had been meaning to talk to her but Rachel had been a pain in his ass and the Visionary-Data case had taken up most of his time. It had been a welcome distraction anyway, he thought. He rose from his chair and headed for Donna's office for the first time in two days and knocked on her door. She was still wearing trousers – things definitely weren't back to normal. That didn't mean he didn't want to open her door again.

"Hey. Can I come in?" he asked.

Surprised, it took Donna a few seconds to reply: "Sure. Have a seat."

"Thanks," he said, taking the seat in front of her. "I never said it before but this feels weird," he added.

"You mean us seating like this," she raised an eyebrow. "I hope it's some good kind of weird."

"Yes, it is," he admitted.

"Did you pick out a tuxedo?" she asked him, thinking he should pick the Tom Ford one.

"I did," he replied, remembering each time she had chosen a tuxedo for him.

"Good," she managed to say.

"I wanted to let you know I'll be there around 8:45 because I'm bringing Paula and–" he said, trying not to over think it too much – unlike what he had been doing for the past twenty minutes.

"You have to pick her up at her place," she finished his sentence for him.

"Yeah," he exhaled. He thought about asking her if she was bringing anyone but that would have been just to be nice. He had no desire to know. Another part of the problem.

Harvey felt his phone vibrate in his vest. He glanced at it quickly. "Pal of my life's calling. Sorry, I gotta go," he said, giving her a boyish grin as he rose from his chair.

"Pal of my life, really?" Donna said, wittily.

"I will have you know that Mike Ross can't get enough of my corny tantamount to BFF. The poor boy can't help it; he looks up to me," he laughed and added, more seriously, closing the door behind him: "I'll see you tonight then."

No yelling. No pain. No tears. They hadn't had a conversation like that in what felt like ages. They seemed strong enough to let it go now. Let it all out – the kiss, their argument – of their minds.

* * *

At around 8:30PM, men and women, in tuxedos and beautiful gowns respectively, paraded into the Palm Court. Jessica Pearson arrived escorted by Jeff Malone and saw Donna, Louis, Mike and Rachel having drinks at the PSL table.

"You look amazing, Jessica," Rachel told the former managing partner.

"Breathtaking," Donna concurred.

"You two don't look so bad yourselves," Jessica winked at them both.

Jeff pulled up the chair where Jessica had to sit. But she didn't sit. Instead she called a waiter nearby, took a glass of champagne from his tray and said: "A toast–"

"To Pearson Specter Litt!" Louis said jovially but cutting off his former boss in the process.

"Not yet, Louis," Jessica shook her head and her mouth curved up in a smile. "This one is addressed to Donna," This threw Donna off-balance. "Thank you for organizing such a beautiful venue. Everybody's accounted for, no invite it seems were lost, and the food looks delicious."

"And the delicious boo– alcohol," Mike added with a smirk, raising his glass of Whisky as well.

"Thank you Jessica," Donna almost blushed. "But I would not have been able to do it without Rachel."

"You're welcome," Rachel mouthed at Donna.

"I've been standing alongside Rachel long enough to know she won't mind me stressing – and I think I speak for everyone at this table and beyond – how there wouldn't be a law firm to call Specter-Litt without you," Jessica finished her toast and drank from her flute.

"Speaking of beyond. Here comes Harvey," Jeff said extending his glass towards the entrance.

Donna couldn't help but turn around and come face to face with Harvey. Did Life, God or the Wonder Women of Awesome Island hate her guts so much that they had made him wear the Tom Ford?

She hadn't realized she had been staring at his not-so-sunken brown eyes anymore, his two signature moles, his perfectly combed hair, strong commanding jawline and smile when Jeff's words broke her out of her reverie.

"And his girlfriend, I suppose," Jeff added receiving a death glare from Jessica.

Her stunned expression turned to a blank one as soon as she saw the woman at his side. 'Knowing about it and seeing it' was a concept Donna thought she could handle. Until that very moment.

* * *

Harvey had picked Paula up earlier than he had intended to. During the car ride, Harvey had remained silent; occasionally humming as a means to reply to Paula. But his brain had been busy: thinking about the case, the charity event and Donna.

As soon as he stepped foot into the Palm Court, one of the guests patted Harvey on the shoulder and said: "You're not fooling anyone here Mr. Specter. Jessica Pearson might be one of the most amazing lawyers ever to be disbarred in the state of New York, but this little farce of yours won't make me donate a dime to death row or any kind of pro-bono cases which sure as hell won't come our way."

"Come on VanDyke, you and I both know you need those death row cases to boost up those lowest-to-date billings of yours," Harvey quipped.

"Hey look at me you asshole–" VanDyke warned, displeased at his rival's indifference.

Harvey Specter seemed off, staring into the distance.

"Why would I need to look at you when there's no one for you to poach here tonight? Harvey cut him off. "I think I've been making my point for two days straight now, so why don't you go enjoy the goddamn party?" Harvey asked. His tone was final.

"Ha-ha, we'll see if I do, Harvey. We'll see," VanDyke threatened Harvey, walking back to his table.

"I think this VanDyke's confidence has just been rattled," Paula smirked, "That was actually quite exhilarating."

"Well, the night's not over yet. There will be more than one VanDyke to deal with," Harvey sighed, leading Paula to the PSL table.

He vowed he would find the nerve it takes not to look at her this way. But the woman wearing a Dior dress was all he could see. Of course he knew the designer since he had bought that emerald gown for her.

* * *

 **Yes, I know, you have the right to be frustrated with me. Hit that review button to let me know just how frustrated you are.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Okay, so here's a very long chapter 7. I have a huge headache but I know you want this chapter now so I decided to publish it even if it's unbeta-ed and even if there may be a few inconsistencies. I will proofread it again tomorrow to make this chapter an easier read. Enjoy and please let me know what you think. ;)**

* * *

"Hi, Donna," Harvey said, followed by Paula saying "Good evening" with a blank _you-bitch-kissed-my-man_ look that said it all.

Donna could have sworn she had heard Paula say ' _he belongs to me'_ instead of "Great party planning."

"Good evening Harvey," Jessica greeted her fellow named partner and walked up to where Donna was standing. She set her eyes on the petite blond woman. "And you must be–" she began but Paula finished that sentence for her.

"Paula Agard, Harvey's girlfriend," she said, shaking the former managing partner's hand. Jessica couldn't help but notice the look of victory in that woman's eyes.

"Didn't you use to be Harvey's therapist?" Jessica inquired with a mischievous look in her eyes.

Harvey didn't miss it. There was a certain quality about that look. He always admired that about her. But he couldn't let it slide. "You of all people should know things change," he let out, giving this conversation a deadly blow by insinuating she was no longer his boss. He still felt an aggressive Jessica was better than having to think about what Donna and Paula would have had to say to each other hadn't elegance personified intervened.

"I guess they do," she said, her gaze switching from Harvey to Donna. "Good to know you've sought therapy elsewhere," Jessica added, walking back to the table.

Harvey didn't budge and Paula looked like she wanted nothing but to give this woman a piece of her own mind.

Donna thought Jessica was cunning in general but she had rarely seen her bitter or staring someone down. She didn't like the woman either.

"Donna?" Jessica called from all the way over the table and added, "Need your help."

"Excuse me," Donna said to Harvey and Paula. Saved by the bell, she thought.

Harvey turned around to face Paula. "The nerve of the women in your life," she uttered, almost clenching her fists.

"Jessica's always enjoyed doing that to me and as for Donna, she's had a rough couple of days, it shouldn't bo–" Harvey began until Paula cut him off.

"Well it does bother me," she admitted and explained: "I know, I didn't want to bring it up but the way she looks at you pisses me off. And what kind of a dress is that? She's such an attention seeker and that is personality–"

"Do you really think I want to listen to your psychobabble?" Harvey asked rhetorically, knowing she would psychoanalyze Donna. "She isn't bothered by you, why should you be?" he asked, slowly but surely considering they were the ones with a personality disorder.

Mike walked up to the couple and asked, "Hi Paula. I'm sorry Harvey but we gotta go now."

"And what should I do in the meantime?" Paula asked, incredulous.

Harvey said, giving Paula a peck on the cheek. "Just grab a glass of champagne and a chair, I'll be back before you know it. Dinner won't be served until 9:30 or something, I think."

"9:15 to be exact," Mike said.

"Calm down Hot Shot, I said ' _or something'_ ," Harvey quipped. "Anyways, it shouldn't be too long."

"Okay. Don't be too long then," Paula gave him a small smile.

"He won't," Mike said, speaking with a reassuring tone.

Walking towards the bar, Harvey asked Mike if Katrina had begun her assignment. "That conniving woman. This is great. It's show time."

"Harvey, how are you?" Sean Cahill suddenly came marching in, "I can't wait to see you in court in two days."

"Well I guess that is out of the equation," Harvey sighed, "Sorry buddy but I'm going to let Visionary-Data go."

The tall fair-haired attorney furrowed his brow and asked: "Who's poaching?"

"VanDyke is," Mike replied.

"Too bad, I would have enjoyed going against you one more time," Cahill acknowledged. "But I guess you knew you couldn't win."

"You've had that dream a thousand times, am I right?" Harvey smirked, offering a drink to Cahill.

"And slept like a baby afterwards," Cahill admitted. The three men raised their glasses and clicked them together.

* * *

Jessica was swaying through the crowd with Donna by her side, greeting all of Manhattan's elite with her legendary gait and nodding at them. Heading for the stage where she was about to deliver her speech, she asked the red head: "How much speaking time do I have again?"

"About 20 minutes," Donna repeated.

"Good. I may only remain impassive for so long. Those idiots want to see the conclusions of the century and that's what they'll get. And I'm not going to give them the pleasure of seeing me break." Jessica admitted.

"Nothing can break you, Jessica," Donna offered her former boss's boss a small smile.

"But apparently they can," Jessica said, seeing right through Donna – as per usual. They stopped near the stairs by the stage.

"No, I'm okay, Jessica," Donna shook her head.

"I know you're not. But I'll let it slide for now," Jessica said, studying the other woman's face. She was about to move up to the stage when she turned around and added: "Actually, I won't," Jessica said, catching Donna off-guard. "She feels threatened and her insecurities will devour her. These women can't help but scratch beneath the surface and she is soon going to realize he only has eyes for you, if she hasn't already."

"Jessica I don't think–" Donna tried to say before being cut-off one last time.

"Enough," Jessica put a stop to whatever the person she considered a friend was going to say. "I know him like the back of my hand and the way he snapped at me tells me something happened between the two of you and that you need to make it happen again." she said, heading for the stage.

Donna's heart was in a bubble, its beat adjusting to the crowd's applause. Feeling empowered by Jessica's pep talk, Donna was standing a little taller than she had before. She had felt support. Her mind wasn't even so focused on Paula anymore. All she really wanted to do was listen to the household name's speech.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jessica Pearson and as most of you know, this woman is back in town, eager to beat you one last time." The crowd cheered at Jessica's joke.

* * *

"Can you believe that the entire Sith community is here. Anita Gibbs, Malik and VanDyke," Mike said with a worried look on his face.

"Relax, Mike," Harvey said, understanding his junior partner completely. "Does that mean I'm a Jedi and that you're my Padawan?" Harvey teased, drinking his whisky.

"Good evening gentlemen," Anita Gibbs greeted the two lawyers. "Nights like these can be full of surprises, don't you think?"

The two men remained silent and unfazed.

"Oh come on, Jessica Pearson is getting disbarred and everyone is pretending she's just leaving for Chicago," she specified and added with smug smile, "I hope it is of some comfort to her that she won't ever have to work with two fraudulent lawyers."

"At least you can't call me a fake lawyer anymore," Mike smiled through gritted teeth.

"Oh don't get me wrong, you'll always be a fake lawyer to me," Anita admitted with calculating eyes.

"And since this is full disclosure time, you Anita will always be my favorite nemesis," Harvey sneered and added, "When is that get out of jail free card expiring again?"

"Oh Harvey, I've given up on seeing you behind bars. You see, your protégé's brave and bold resolve have helped me realize there are still good people in this world," Anita Gibbs answered with some unexpected kindness in her voice.

"Thank you," Mike said, uncertain.

"Don't thank me yet," Anita continued. "Someday, someone _will_ have your boss stripped off of what makes him who he is without me having to lift a finger."

"Every trick in the book tells me that I should act as if I didn't care, but I won't Anita," Harvey let out, honest to the bones. "You're a good attorney with a moral code. I might not be perfect but my loyalty is what it is and I'm inclined to help those worthy of justice. If you truly believe I'm just a self-serving corporate lawyer, then disbar me and everybody else in this room right the hell now. Now if you'll excuse me, I want to listen to my mentor and _friend_ 's speech," Harvey said, walking towards the crowd.

"What he said," Mike coughed, clearing his throat as he marched back to the PSL table.

Harvey joined Paula and gave her a quick peck on the cheek. "Hey," he said, "Sorry again. But this was important."

"All the secrecy," Paula said, "I have to admit it's a little frustrating."

Harvey barely smiled at her, already reminiscing Gibbs' words to him. He would have become a completely different kind of lawyer had _the person that makes him who he is_ not been in his life. He knew Gibbs words were empty threats. She was going deeper with this. Only she didn't know who that someone would be. But he did. The woman he couldn't keep his eyes away from: the redhead to the far end of the room.

* * *

"No one in this room could have guessed a death row case would change my mind about practicing law. Hence the reason why tonight isn't just about me but about doing something right. Pro bono cases can boost our reputation and yet reduce our financial growth. When it's all hands on deck, firms need more manpower to handle their cases. The people at my firm – well, this guy's firm now–" Jessica gestured towards Harvey.

"Who's this guy again?" Robert Zane joked, glancing at Harvey who raised his glass to him in return.

"Pardon me sir but I didn't catch your name?" Jessica said with a look of pride on her face.

"Goddammit, when will I ever learn?" Robert gave her a wink.

Off-centered from the central stage, Donna heard the crow laugh at Jessica and Robert Zane's little exchange.

Jessica then added: "As I was saying, the people at my firm and your daughter included, Robert, reminded me of why I became a lawyer in the first place. This is why I honestly believe partners should benefit from our huge billings – after we've paid rent and paid everyone from our associates to the IT guy – so as to work on non-billable cases we would turn a blind eye to otherwise. Even if some of us don't specialize in criminal defense, we are sharks, we want to look good, and when we see something as awful as the death penalty, it's a challenge."

Donna was amazed by Jessica's speech. Her face turned pale when Andrew Malik came into view. He walked up to her and said: "Good evening, Donna. Such a wonderful speech, don't you think?"

"What do you want Malik?" Donna asked cheekily, batting her eyelashes.

"Haha you got me," he laughed, rolling his tongue in his mouth, "Let bygones be bygones." Donna could see from the look in his eyes that he had no intention of burying the hatchet. "You know–", Andrew cleared his throat and continued: "You know I've always had a thing for you, right? And I actually wanted to know if I you'd like to get a drink sometimes."

"And why exactly would I want to get drinks with you?" Donna asked, taken aback.

"Well drinks lead to dinner and dinner leads to something Harvey isn't currently giving you," The Deputy Attorney General said rudely and pointed at the couple standing several feet away from her. Donna's entire being was on standby, dreading where Malik was going with this.

"Oh I think I hit a nerve. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry," he continued.

"You make me sick," Donna said, feeling his breath tickling her ear as he brought his face close to hers.

On the other side of the room Harvey was holding Paula in his arms as they listened to Jessica's speech.

"Who was that woman?" Paula asked, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Anita Gibbs? An old friend." Harvey shrugged off as something else caught his attention.

"She didn't look like a friend," Paula observed.

Harvey looked at the crowd for a moment and saw Malik and Donna.

Paula noticed Harvey become tense. "You know what Harvey? I'm tired of this," she said, disentangling herself from him. I don't know what's going on with your firm but I know you haven't paid attention to me all night."

"I know, I'm sorry but this is very important that I take care of some things for Jessica–" he said, his focus switching from Donna and back to Paula.

Something wasn't right, he thought.

"Nah, I think what I said to you during the hearing rang true – maybe not everything, but most of it did. You would do anything for him," Malik said, catching the indignation that surged up within her.

"What has he ever done to you to make you hate him so much?" Donna asked, searching Harvey in the crowd – half hoping he was seeing what was happening to her.

He didn't like what was going on one bit.

"I'm not just talking about Jessica or the firm, Harvey," Paula noticed Harvey wasn't paying attention to her for the second time in a row. "You're unbelievable! I can see you watching them," Paula said, angrily gesturing at Malik and Donna and added, "I'm leaving, Harvey. Call me in the morning."

Paula left him on the spot, hoping he would go after her, and that he would try and stop her from walking out. Seconds passed and nothing happened. She turned her head once to see her biggest fear come true: Harvey Specter was walking in the opposite direction.

"Let's do the hearing in reverse. Permission to treat the witness as hostile," he asked her and eventually shouted as the rounds of applause aimed at Jessica grew louder: "DO YOU DENY THAT HE GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING? THAT HARVEY SPECTER BREAKS AND ABUSES THE LAW?"

Half hearing Malik's filthy remarks, her eyes met another pair of brown ones. A few 'no' escaped her mouth. They had the undesirable effect of supporting Malik's outburst more.

Malik continued with a steady voice as the applause begun to subside. "And that he dragged you into this mess under false pretenses. Pretending to care for you? Fucking you at some point so you would owe him and long for him at the same time? That man is no Messiah, so why wait for him when it's clear you're just a cog in his well-proven practice of the law."

Having become fully aware that Malik's intention was to make Harvey do the unthinkable, Donna shrieked "No no no no no no no Harvey, don't!"

The man in question jumped in, punched Malik in the face, sending him reeling with an entire crowd as his witness.

"You filthy piece of shit, how dare you say that to her?" Harvey yelled at Andrew, rendering the room unusually silent.

"Harvey, stop!" Donna jumped right in, placing her hands on his chest to stop him from lashing out on the attorney.

"Are you okay?" he asked her, gasping for air. He cupped her face with his hands.

"I'm okay, Harvey," Donna nodded, realizing everyone in the room was staring at Harvey.

Getting back up, Malik smirked as he touched the blood on his nose. Enjoying himself, he ended the heated discussion: "That's what I thought; you would do anything for him. And so would he."

At exactly 9:16, a startled Jessica stammered her way through her parting conclusion: "Thank you all for coming and enjoy dinner." she got off the stage, trying to assert the situation.

Malik left the scene through a judgmental crowd – some of them giving Harvey scornful glances while others felt sorry for him. At least the sound level in the room had gone back to normal.

Harvey felt like the ground he stood on was shaking. His eyes fell and he let go of her face. There was blood on his hand. His head was spinning and he thought he had heard Malik say something about _hearing from_ _Disciplinary_ _Committee_ _in the morning_. His hand was hurting.

"What the hell happened?" Rachel said, rushing in with Mike, quickly followed by Louis and Katrina.

"Did I hear him correctly?" Louis asked Donna, "Did he say Harvey will be hearing from the committee?"

Donna nodded, still focused on Harvey. "Harvey, look at me," And he did but he looked like he was about to break. She took a look at his hand and said, "Does your hand hurt?"

"Yes," he nodded, still in shock.

"Get him out of here," Jessica said, joining them.

"I'll call Ray," Mike said, grabbing his smartphone.

Rachel helped Donna bring Harvey outside.

* * *

Ray was right on time. Both Rachel and Donna helped Harvey into the car. "It's okay, I'm fine," he said, grumpily. At least it looked like he was feeling better. The door was still open when Donna told Ray: "He needs to go to a hospital, Ray. I think he needs a scan."

"Sure thing, Donna," Ray nodded with a worried look on his face.

"You're not coming with?" Harvey asked grabbing her hand with his. Donna knew he was beseeching her to come with him. Turning a blind eye on how she felt at that moment wouldn't make her look strong. It would make her look weak. And she couldn't look weak. Like a cog in the machine that they were, Donna sat down next to him.

Donna couldn't help but glance at Rachel. In the spur of the moment, she had completely forgotten to grab her purse and coat. Rachel nodded her approval before closing the car door on them, "I'll get your coat and purse. Now go."

Donna had been waiting for Harvey for over an hour when he finally came back to the waiting room. She noticed the doctor had simply bandaged the wound.

"Doctor says there's no bone fracture and that we can go home," Harvey said, trying to put his vest back on. "And before you say anything, no, he didn't ask about the other guy."

Donna stood up and went to help him. The pronoun he had used didn't go unnoticed. The way she was helping him, closer to him than she had been in days made him weak in the knee. The gesture was the most _intimate he had experienced since their kiss._

Donna broke the moment when she realized her task was over, "Done."

"Thank you," He said, mesmerized.

"We should call Paula. Where did she go by the way?" Donna asked, still confused over the details of the way things had played out.

"She left moments before I lost it," he admitted, not sure of how he felt about what he had done. "Don't call her. Just take me home, will you?" he asked, pleading.

"Okay," she managed to say, shocked by the certainty in his voice.

* * *

Ray dropped them off at Harvey's. They had been silent through most of the ride. They carried that silence with them into the elevator.

Harvey had some difficulty using his left hand to open the door. Donna saw fit to help, took the key from his hand and opened the door.

Donna followed Harvey into the living room, closing the door behind him. He went straight for his bedroom.

She hadn't been to his apartment in months. There were new trinkets. Things Paula must have bought for him. Although not in the same spot, the cactus was still here. This brought a smile to her face.

"Can you help me take it off?" he asked from the threshold of his bedroom, motioning at his vest.

"Of course," she said, offering him one of her most natural responses of the evening.

She went to stand in front of him and helped him take off his vest gently, trying not to hurt his hand. Having stared far too long at his chest, she glanced over his shoulder and saw Paula's books on one of the nightstands.

"You're wearing my dress," he said, nonchalantly, getting her out of her drowsiness.

"You're wearing the Tom Ford," she eyed him suspiciously while folding his vest. He offered her a small smile.

She walked in the direction of his closet, switched on the light and saw women's clothes. Taken aback, she quickly put his vest on a hanger and walked out of the small room.

Harvey was leaning back against the wall. Donna didn't seem to know where to go next or where to put her hands, fidgeting too close to his bed. She had to speak. Break his piercing stare. Break the piercing silence that made her want to hide from him. There was never an awakening with him. She made him nervous for sure but so did he. He was making her nervous right this second; and in ways she never thought she would get to feel again. She didn't have better things to do with her time. She didn't care about where she stood. She only cared about him and she would suffer through another outburst if this meant there was a chance their situation would change. But never in a million years would she have expected him to say:

"I'm sorry, Donna."

"What?" Donna let out, her legs faltering with every step she took to meet him.

"I did everything he said I did," he explained.

"You heard him?" she asked.

"Most of it," he sighed, putting his left hand to his face. "He wanted me to hear it. He got his wish." Harvey added, clenching his wounded hand into a fist.

"Harvey, you did none of those things," Donna countered, grabbing his sore hand to prevent him from making it feel worse.

"All I've ever wanted was to protect you," Harvey explained.

"And you did, Harvey," Donna added, searching his eyes.

"Not just from him, Donna," he retorted. "But from me as well."

"Don't you understand, Donna? I'm the one responsible here. This–" he broke his sentence, slid his arms around her and firmly pulled her body against his. He pressed his lips against hers; she gasped and he deepened the kiss, gliding his tongue against hers.

He broke the kiss just as quickly as he had broken his sentence.

"–This is how I've wanted to kiss you, every day, since you came to my desk," Harvey said, staring at her stunned face.

"I don't care Harvey," Donna uttered. This is just how I want you, she thought.

"Yes, you do, Donna," Harvey countered and added, "I've made you lose years of happiness and made you lose the promise of a life with me. Cause that night you and I had wasn't just like any other night for me."

"Don't do this, Harvey," she said, cupping his face, searching his lips with hers.

"No, don't you get it? I don't deserve you, Donna. And I'll mess this up because it's you. Because I'm shit scared of losing you. You are inside my heart. You make me who I am," Harvey opened up to her, fearlessly.

"You're pacing back and forth when what you should be doing right now is listen to me," Donna began explaining, "You should understand that I don't want to lose you either."

"You're never gonna lose me, Donna," Harvey frowned, watching her stepping away from him – already missing her touch.

"I didn't want to bring this up but you're leaving me with no choice. What you did to Malik, reacting the way you did is going to cost you more than me. I told you not to do it, Harvey. I begged you not to," Donna said, about to cry.

"I don't care. He was taking it out on you. He insulted you–." Harvey was about to fly off the handle but she cut him off.

"No, Harvey. He insulted _you_ through me. This is why you went out of control. I was just a pawn in his little game. And that is why I tried to stop you."

Harvey walked to his bed and sat down on it. Running his left hand back and forth through his hair, Harvey finally broke the heavy pause that had settled in the bedroom.

"Leave me alone, Donna."

"No, Harvey," Donna retorted, walking up to him. "You're not the young boy in the painting anymore."

Harvey tilted his head back to look at her. She looked ravishing in the dim light of his bedroom. He definitely wasn't looking at her like a little boy.

"You have to face your demons," she said and started unbuttoning the top of her dress. Her own insecurities didn't get the best of her. Could she feel more out of place? Yes, she thought the moment she let the pads slip off her shoulder, the emerald fabric sliding through her fingers and dropping down to her feet. "You have to face Malik." She hadn't felt so scared in a long time. Goose bumps rose on her skin. She didn't have to command him to look at her because it was what he had been doing all along. She was undressing in front of him. This was the extent she was willing to go to. She was hoping he would meet her half-way.

She was about to unclasp her bra when he suddenly put his good hand to the small of her back, sending shivers down her spine. Her arm fell to the side. Caressing her back, he stood up and nested his head in the crook of her neck. She had given him a challenge. His sore hand reached the clasp of her bra. Donna felt desirable as the fabric slipped down. He began kissing her neck, leaving a trail of wet spots. Kissing her chin, he worked his way around her flushed cheek. His last kiss landed on the corner of her lips. He was facing her facing them.

"You're right, Donna. I'm not a little boy anymore," he said, his tone dead serious, before kissing her mouth ardently.

* * *

 **Author says, Harvey-style: "SEND ME YOUR GODDAMN REVIEWS OR ELSE I'LL-"**


	8. Chapter 8

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **CORRECTION (chapter 6 and 7): Donna wasn't wearing a backless dress. It was just a regular dress with a very classy collar, otherwise she couldn't have been wearing a bra.**

 **Chapter 8: Rating switch = M.**

 **As a reader I would read this one with a song you like. You know what kind of a song. Actually, I would read my entire fic with songs.**

* * *

Chapter 8:

" _You're right, Donna. I'm not a little boy anymore_ , _" he said, his tone dead serious, before kissing her mouth ardently._

She whispered something in his ear that would have made him cave on the spot hadn't he had to do something about his own clothes. As she was nibbling and biting on his earlobe, he felt the extent of his arousal. He hadn't even realized she had started unbuttoning his shirt.

She whispered something in his ear that reminded him of what he was doing. He was cheating on his girlfriend. Even if every fiber of his being told him to stop, he wouldn't have. Nothing could hurt him more now than the almost naked woman in front of him. It really didn't feel like cheating. It was what it was and it didn't make him feel guilty. He spun her around and gave her a slight push so she would sit up at the edge of the bed. She did look older. But she looked the same to him. Older and as beautiful as ever.

She whispered something in his ear that made her feel like he would take her somewhere she was supposed to be. Nothing was going to take him away from her tonight. She had started that sweet mistake they were about to make. It was a mistake because she was making him do what he had vowed never to do. The idea of leaving him had crossed her mind; with every step she had taken undressing in front of him like that. She did think about leaving and never coming back. But she had gone too far to give up on them and leave him high and dry. Taking in the sight of his bare chest, she watched him take his shirt off and admired the way his shoulders flexed. Yet, she wanted to be the one to guide him through it, lead him into her so that she could take the fall in the morning. He was unbuckling his belt when her hands grabbed his own and parted them to the side.

She whispered something in his ear that made him feel guilty. He gulped as he felt her hands against his erection, moving slightly upward to undo his belt. This was her crossing the line again. He felt shy suddenly. He had fallen so deeply in love with her over the span of a decade that, he didn't think he could hold up his end of the deal. He wasn't shy. He was scared.

She whispered something in his ear that would have their bodies talk. Donna wasn't lovable – she was fucked up. Everything, he thought. He kicked off his shoes and she bit her lower lip. He grinned back at her, dropping his pants and boxers faster than she had unzipped his pants.

"Harvey," she giggled as he pushed her backwards and moved on top of her. "Don't you dare – not with your socks on, you don't."

He grabbed her chin with passionate strength and kissed her mouth again, shutting her up. She felt his stiff member against various parts of her body, arousing her more at the slightest graze.

"How about I don't take them off and I do that instead," he said, caressing her hair gently. Staring into her eyes, inhaling her perfume as his gaze lingered down to her breasts. His good hand brushed against her left breast and settled between her back and the soft quilt. In return, she trapped him in her arms, her nails scraping his upper back.

She whispered something in his ear he felt as if he were hearing it for the first time. Had her lips formed a sensuous grin? Had her eyes been full of lust for him? He was about to make her feel the way she deserved to feel. He moved to the side as his sore hand reached her thighs and he slowly helped her take her panties off. She was fast lying flat on her back again. He placed his sore hand around her neck, feeling her quick pulse on his fingers.

"Tell me it's okay."

His allegiance to the pain made her feel weak. Did he desire pain more than her? Would she ever be enough? She was a fucking fool.

He ran his hand down between her breasts, over her belly and slowly reached her thighs. He growled feeling his bandaged knuckles caressing her opening. He took his cock in the exact same hand and fondled her slit.

"Harv'," she gasped, flushed to the bones.

She tried not to gasp again when he entered her. He pressed his lips against hers gently and felt her hips move to meet his thrusts. He pulled back to gauge her reaction.

She whispered something in his ear that reminded him of her desire to surrender to him. Sucking one of her nipple, he felt her fingers running through his thick hair, pulling at them ever so slightly. He had no intention of handing over the reins to her. He wanted to put her first. Panting close to her face, he wrapped his sore hand around hers and pinned her to the bed.

She whispered something to him that made him act selfishly. But he was doing it for her. This self-serving act aroused her more than if he had let her touch herself. His heart pounded in his chest as he was ramming her. Ramming so hard that her head was slapped against the bed. She was over the edge, clenching him. Her eyes were wide open. One moment her head was tilted forward and tilted back another, hoping to delay the inevitable as much as she could.

Moments ago she had whispered something in his ear that made her feel empowered and brave enough to risk it all.

"Fuck me."

* * *

In the darkness, he remembered the promise he had made to her. The promise that he would do anything to keep her close to him. Lying next to her in his bed, feeling her breath tickle his chest, he knew he had broken his promise. He wanted to be a fortune teller. Call on his future and tell it to shove it up its ass. He wondered how, once on cloud nine, one could still fuck everything up.

"I'm not leaving, Harvey," she said, spooning closer to him. Taking it one step at a time, he thought for she hadn't said _ever_. And he was okay with that.

* * *

No light struggling to get past blinds for there were none. A 360 degree city view and yet no one could see them. He was – they were – too high in the sky to be bothered. Donna couldn't regret it. What they had done, she thought, felt so right. Feeling his possessive arm around her waist, she felt secure. She didn't feel any guilt. The sleeping form beside her was the man of her life. She was staring at his face, his two moles, his strong nose and thin lips. One of her favorite traits about him was the two corners of his lips. She began tracing them lightly with her fingertips. She thought about how bold she had been. A temptress, a forbidden fruit of some sort, a snake – she hated the very allusion. She was no Eve. Her name was Donna – super cool, super fun Donna. But a desperate Donna all the same. Some men – a woman might toy with. But she hadn't been toying with his affections. He was it.

She heard his phone vibrate – the sound coming from his pants which still lay on the floor. Donna thought about how even good things wear on to a morning.

She was disentangling herself from him to get out of bed when he grabbed her butt.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked with his eyes still closed.

"I need to go home and change, Harvey," Donna said in earnest.

"You need to clear your head," Harvey retorted, opening his eyes.

" –and change," she countered with a wry look on her face.

"Okay," he said, not pushing it.

He let go of is hold on her and watched her get out of bed. Donna noticed Harvey's stare.

"Stop doing that," she raised an eyebrow, trying to cover her bare chest as she was picking up her underwear and dress. He was fucking her with his eyes all over again.

"Doing what?" he said and the left corner of his lips turned into a smirk.

"Is that how you wanna play it?" she asked, daring him to continue.

She slowly slipped her panties on, followed by her bra without looking once at this face. She could still feel the intensity of his stare. Dressing up in front of him was her way of saying thank you. There was no anxiety on his part. He was wrapped around her fingers for a moment. This would be a fleeting moment for sure but a moment still.

He climbed out of bed and walked up to her. Halfway through pulling the dress up over her body and covering herself, he pressed himself against her – making her feel the extent of his appreciation. He held his breath for a moment and put his warm and very likely swollen hand on her cheek.

"Thank you," he mouthed and moved behind her.

It startled her. What was he thanking her for exactly? She felt him pull her dress up, placing each one of her arms in the sleeves and tracing her body ever so slightly with his fingertips. Pulling her hair to the side, he began buttoning the top of her dress up and kissed a soft spot on her neck tenderly.

She felt him shiver behind her. He had doubts.

She turned around quickly and said, searching his eyes: "Harvey–"

"For everything," he cut her off and kissed her. His stare had shifted from playful to cold in a matter of minutes. She watched him walk about the room to pick up his clothes. He put his boxers on and eventually searching for the phone in his pants, he said: "I'm texting Ray to come and pick you up."

That statement meant so much and nothing at the same time. He didn't know where they stood. But, did she either?

She put her high heels on and saw him froze from the corner of her eyes. Perhaps missed calls or texts from Paula, she thought. "I'll see you at the office, okay?" she said, giving him one last hopeful look.

She walked out of his bedroom, confused and unsure.

She reached the front door and as she was opening it she heard him call her name: "Donna."

She turned her head and saw him walk up to her with worried look on his face.

"Donna, I–" he stammered.

What he was about to say never made it to her ears for she had seen, from the corner of her eyes, a woman with a petit figure standing straight in front her.

"Donna?" Paula asked, bewildered.

* * *

 **Please REVIEW like hell even if this chapter is shorter. Pretty please. I wanted to update the entire chapter but I'm extremely busy this weekend so I can't write too much.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Again unbeta-ed. So, I'm sorry for any mistake you may come across. xx**

* * *

Donna found it kind of funny that Paula would be standing right in front of her at Harvey's doorstep, right this second – this could only be some seriously sick playwright or TV show writer's doing. This was going to be the role of a lifetime for a thespian, Donna thought.

"What is going on?" Paula asked bumping into Donna as she forced her way into the apartment.

Paula noticed Donna was still wearing her gown and that Harvey was only wearing boxers. Harvey remained silent, mouth agape.

"I deserve an explanation right now," Paula said, turning her back to Donna.

Donna could understand the position the woman was in.

"I'll just go," Donna said. This was her cue to go – her presence would only make things worse.

"Where do you think you're going?" Paula said angrily, still staring at her boyfriend.

Donna knew this was aimed at her. She took a chance and decided to close the door. Things would be said, thoughts exchanged for better and for worse.

"Harvey punched Andrew Malik in the face last night," Donna said, clearing her throat, "He hurt his hand and I took him to the hospital. We came back here and I slept over." She lied.

"So you're saying nothing happened between the two of you?" Paula said, turning around and added: "The problem here Donna is that my boyfriend's in his briefs and knowing your history–"

"I didn't say that," Donna simply said, "But it isn't for me to tell you anything."

"You bitch. You're proud of yourself aren't you?" Paula started crying, "You think you have him wrapped around your fingers and that he's going to love you and give you all that you want?"

"Paula, stop!" Harvey said but it was to no avail. "Yes, we slept together."

"Then, what makes you think that if he can do something like this to _me_ that he can't do it to you? What does that say about you? That you're a masochist ready to be cheated on?" Paula shouted, tears forming in her eyes.

"Because she's different," Harvey said, daring to stare Paula in the eyes.

"Stop bullshitting yourself Harvey! You believe you've been cheating on her all those years. Do you take me for a fool? I used to be your therapist. Everything that led me to understand your mommy issues began with her." she explained, pointing the finger at Donna. "Your celibacy, your relationships, even our relationship were part of your process. There's more of your mother in you than you think."

"Paula I'm sorry to cut in here but your analysis is only helping you. Not him."

Harvey was at a loss for words. This entire conversation was about him, about his demons. He couldn't take it.

"You!" she said, walking up to where Donna stood. "You're like the Ghost of Christmas Past. You can only show him so much. But what you don't know Donna is that you're making him worse. You're an idealized version of his mother. And now he's always going to hate you for what you did even if he loves you." Paula wasn't going to stop. Donna figured she should wait for the right time to stop her. She thought she was doing the woman a favor, having helped in shattering her heart to pieces. No woman deserved that. "I hope you remember this next time you two fuck: he is screwing his mother through you." She vented and kept going at Donna's throat – her words worse than a dagger piercing through her heart.

This was the tip of the iceberg as some call it. Donna slapped Paula in the face. Both women gasped at the same time. Paula froze on the spot and put a hand to her cheek, trying to ease the pain. Donna hated herself beyond reason. But she had to protect him. And this was the only way she could think of at that moment.

Donna began, bluntly: "There is _nothing_ I can say that will make you feel better right now. This is my doing, you're right. It was a mistake to do what we did while you and Harvey were still together. But he asked me to be with him last night. He didn't ask you. It wasn't a mistake. He wanted me. Not you. As much as it pains me to say that to another woman, having been cheated on myself, don't blame him. He and I needed each other last night. And sometimes, nothing can stop you from going after what you need." Donna sought a much needed pause and finally added: "Hate him, yell at him, and think of me as a bullshit ex-secretary who has been whoring herself out to her boss for years, I don't care. But don't you dare shrink him down to a bullshit analysis – which you know it is. This man is one of the most extraordinary men you'll ever meet. Give him a chance to apologize to you."

Donna grabbed the front door handle and opened the door. "Just talk to him," she said, tears forming in her eyes as she met Harvey's bloodshot ones, before leaving them both.

The fiery redhead started to cry, holding on to the sweet memory of them together for a moment; the outcome of her desire – her decision to sleep with him – an all too bittersweet compromise.

* * *

Paula could not control the nervous laugh that escaped her mouth and said: "Well now I guess it's just you and me!"

"Let me go grab a t-shirt," Harvey said, motioning for her to sit. "Please."

Paula hesitated for a split second but figured this was the only way to end this – the pain she felt.

Harvey came back to sit in front of her on the couch. They were eyeing each other carefully. She was waiting for him to speak. He couldn't. He didn't know where to begin. He decided to switch sides and went to sit next to her – not too close to her or too far from her.

"Just don't touch me, please," Paula whispered, glancing at her knees. There would be no comfort in him comforting her.

"Promise," he said, rubbing his face with his two hands.

Paula noticed the bandage he was wearing for the first time. "So, I'm guessing this is what this Malik guy took in the face," she said pointing at his hand.

"Yes," he said resting his hands on his thighs and added, feeling this was his cue to speak: "You were right to leave last night. I wasn't the exemplary boyfriend."

"You haven't been for almost a week," she said, still focused on his hand.

"You have no idea how sorry I am," Harvey apologized. She understood that his apology wasn't just about him being an awful boyfriend.

"Why did you go out with me when you knew how you felt all along?" Paula asked switching her gaze to his face.

"Because you were the first woman I thought of when I made peace with my family–"

"And became the head of your firm," she finished his sentence for him and added, "I know all that Harvey. But that's not what you said to me back then."

"It's the truth, Paula. I wanted to be with you."

His honesty had her heart skip a beat. But Paula couldn't help but be of service to the man who had cheated on her. She deserved a medal.

"But not for the right reasons, Harvey," she explained. He eyed her suspiciously, unsure of where she was going with this. "You told me you weren't the same man that you were and that I was the one you thought of sharing this new beginning of yours with."

"How is that any different from–" he began but she cut him off immediately.

"Because my perspective on this is the one you cannot see," Paula explained and sighed, thinking there should be hell to pay for what she had allowed herself to feel. "I let myself believe you were rid of your demons. But I guess I'm the last step to your process – your recovery," she emphasized.

"Why are you shrinking me again?" Harvey asked, almost angry at her even though he had no right to be.

"Because that's my way of processing what happened, okay? The only way I will be able to move forward with my life," she explained and added, "Can't you allow me that at least?"

"I didn't use you to get to her if that's what you think," Harvey admitted.

"I know you didn't. At least not on purpose," she began, calming herself as much as she could. "I just have one question to make sure what I'm about to say is relevant."

Harvey nodded, ready to answer everything that was on her mind.

"Was it Donna who convinced you to go talk to your mother?" Paula asked, quieting her breathing.

"She did," Harvey acknowledged.

"She enabled you, Harvey. She's part of your triggering mechanism."

She noticed how Harvey was looking at her confused. "You needed someone to deny what you already knew but had no desire to face. You chose me because I was the one to help you get back on your feet when she left you."

"I've always been attracted to you, Paula," Harvey said, trying to reassure her on that at least.

"I know you are – were. Who wouldn't?" She joked, offering him a small smile. He couldn't help but admire her strength right this second. "But do you remember how I had no desire to explore your relationship with Donna beyond what it said about your mother?"

"Yes," he said, gulping.

"Well, I didn't do my job properly then. I knew I was attracted to you. And this Donna seemed to mean so much to you that I never thought I could compete."

"You were a good therapist, Paula."

"Believe what you will. But I should have explored this further," Paula admitted. "Did I ever tell you that the day you stopped coming to therapy, she came rushing into my office and thanked me for helping you?"

"You didn't. I didn't know," he babbled.

"What you and her did last night was wrong, Harvey. I told you I'd call in the morning but I decided to come instead and–" Paula said, small tears dropping from her eyes. "Here," she said handing him back the key he had given her two weeks ago. "You should know that I came here with the intention of threatening to give it back to you. Guess it doesn't matter anymore."

Tears formed into Harvey's eyes as well. "Paula," he sighed.

"I know you're sorry, Harvey but it doesn't mean it won't hurt me for a while. I'll resent you, you know that."

"It's all that I deserve," Harvey agreed.

"No, Harvey. You deserve to express the love you feel and feel it in return. I'm just sorry I'm not the one you want to share this with."

He took her hand in his bandaged one. "You deserve to be happy with someone who isn't as messed up as me."

"You're not messed up, Harvey. You've gone astray, that's it. But I'd be careful if I were you. The lengths she went to…" Paula clarified, pausing, "She's got demons to face too."

"I'm just as responsible as she is," Harvey corrected her.

"You don't need to defend her. I know you are. It takes two to tango," Paula shrugged.

She got off the couch and walked to the front door, opened the door and said: "For her sake, accept who the man beneath the suit is and fast or you will lose everything. Goodbye, Harvey," And left. Therapy was over.

* * *

Harvey went back his room and witnessed the mess they had slept in. The man in a suit could still feel her gown slip through his fingers, revealing her freckled skin to him. The smell of her perfume mixed with that of her skin. Mental pictures and slow motions of two human beings giving their all to the other.

In a hurry, Harvey put on the tux he wore the night before and hailed a cab outside his building. He didn't care about taking a shower. He didn't care about calling Ray. He didn't even think about Malik's threats. All he wanted to do was go after her. He told the taxi driver Donna's address. Playing with the key in his hands, he realized he could never go back.

Fifteen minutes later, he was standing at her door, withholding neither breaths nor heartbeats. Everything. He was ready to give her everything. He knocked at her door.

Donna half-opened the door. Harvey could tell she was still wearing her gown and saw the amount of tears she had cried by the way yesterday's mascara had smudged.

"Donna, let me in!" he said.

"I can't," Donna said, shaking.

"Please, I need to talk to you," he begged, trying to shake off the feeling that something was wrong.

"I can't do this, Harvey," His smile was gone.

"What the hell are you talking about?!" he asked, exasperated.

"I don't deserve you," she said, turning her eyes away from him.

"I don't care. It doesn't matter what Paula said. I want every–" he began before she cut him off.

"I'm sorry Harvey. But I'll never be able to forgive myself," she concluded, closing the door in his face.

And made him want to drop to his knees.

* * *

 **I hope you enjoyed this chapter - and even if you didn't PLEASE REVIEW LIKE YOU GODDAMN WANT ME TO WRITE THE NEXT ONE.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **THANKS TO ALL OF THOSE WHO REVIEWED AND THOSE WHO DIDN'T CAUSE I CAN READ STATISTICS AND I KNOW YOU'VE READ MY AWFUL FIC! BLESSED BE THE DARVEY FANS. Anyway, you see how fast I write when you review? ^^ ;)**

 **New chapter! Unbeta-ed again because it's late, and I have a life (a bed) to go back to. Wrote this one in the span of 4 or 5 hours. So please REVIEW THE SHIT OUT OF IT.**

 **Edit: And I know that 20,000 words later my take on our power couple might be a little out of character but I think you can forgive me for that since the show managed to introduce the F-word, a British poptart and a very unstable and weak Donna in the span of three months.**

* * *

"Open the door, Donna," he said, banging on the door with his injured hand. He gave it one last blow before giving up and rested his head against her door frame.

His heart was breaking. He could hear her cry on the other side of the door. "Someday, Donna. I'll break that door for you," he said, hesitating one last time before leaving.

In the elevator, going down, he sent Rachel a text which simply said:

 _Something happened last night._

 _Please, go see her. She's at her place._

 _She needs you. And I need her. Harvey. x_

Harvey headed back to his place to take a shower and change. Why hadn't he broken that damn door? He wondered. Did he feel giving her some space would make her realize her mistake? He was more thankful than angry at her. She had made him do the impossible. She had made him come to terms with his feelings for her. They could have everything now and that's what he wanted. He just hoped she wasn't too far gone.

Thoughts, thoughts and more thoughts. Harvey Specter used to be a man of action but he didn't know how to handle this particular situation. No more dwelling on that, he thought. His second text was for Ray to come and pick him up.

* * *

Donna was curled up against the door, crying over the way she felt about herself. Some time had passed since he had left her. She didn't know long she had been at another threshold – that of her door was the obvious one. She needed a hot comforting shower to wash away the cool wet tears on her face and neck. She stood up slowly, her legs almost too weak to carry her. She took off her close in the living room, not caring where she'd leave them. She would clean up later. The shameful fiery redhead went to her bathroom, opened the medicine cabinet. Maybe she should take a pill, or two to sleep. Pills. The pill. She hadn't even thought about that last night. She was supposed to take hers at 9. She hadn't. The chances of her getting pregnant at her age were slim anyway. She looked for an old prescription of Ambien tablets and took two. Needing to knock the edge off, she remembered her mother saying: 'Take one when you're down and two in case of emergency'. She swallowed the two sleeping pills straight. And as if on autopilot, she headed for the shower. The warm water coming from the shower spray soothed her just enough for her not to panic. She never mentioned a condom. Baby or an STD – care to bargain? A nervous laugh escaped her as she pictured Paula having the drip – hoping she hadn't passed it on to Harvey and so on. Yeah, that's not funny, she thought. She was the other woman. If someone deserved anything remotely awful, it was her, she thought. She thought she had heard someone banging on her door again before she let herself fall on the bathroom floor tiles. She dozed off, thinking about how his hands were a beautiful nightmare on her body and how they had let her heart go free for him. She didn't have it in her to risk losing him. She had to let him go.

* * *

Harvey was walking through the PSL lobby when an errand boy handed him a letter. Signing the receipt, he noticed Mike joining him. "Hey Harvey. Are you okay? You had me worried sick last night? Did you go to the hospital? Wait," he paused before adding, "What happened with Donna?"

"I – she–" Harvey stammered. Mike realized that his very own Bruce Wayne had somehow lost his bat suit.

"Hey Harv', I didn't–" Mike began but stopped dead in his tracks, putting a friendly hand on his mentor's shoulder instinctively. He felt that all he could do was offer his friend a reassuring smile.

Harvey didn't know where to begin. He opened the letter feeling that the only thing he was capable of doing at that moment was move his fingers and open the letter.

"This is from the Character and Fitness Committee," Harvey spat out, "This is a disbarment hearing–" Harvey couldn't breathe.

"This is Malik's doing, Harvey. There is no way I'm going to let that piece of shit disbar you. We're going to fight this," Mike tried to reassure his friend.

"They want to put me in a grave, Mike," Harvey stated, panic coursing through him. "I can't deal with this now." he added.

"I understand, Harvey. Let's see. May I?" Mike said, asking Harvey to hand him the letter. "The hearing starts tomorrow. They won't be able to enter the final order of disbarment without following the proceedings to the letter." Harvey felt his phone vibrate, took it out and read the text that popped up on screen.

 _She's not answering._

 _She used the spare key under the mat to open the door._

 _I can't get into her apartment, Harvey._

 _What is going on? I'm truly worried now._

"Mike–" Harvey tried to say, putting his phone back into his pocket.

"I will apply to the court to subpoena witnesses. And as you know, if they try to use collusion against you, we have Katrina's tape. I mean, Louis, Jessica, Rachel, Alex, and Donna – hell even Cahill – they will all testify to your impeccable character. The committee won't be able to prove you were misbehaving," Mike babbled.

"MIKE," Harvey shouted. "When did Rachel leave for Donna's?"

"I don't know – maybe an hour ago, an hour and a half? Why?" Mike asked.

"Take care of that hearing for me. I have to go," Harvey said, rushing to the elevator. Before the elevator door closed, Harvey said: "I know you won't let me down, Tiger."

Left with the letter in his hands, Mike decided to text the people he thought as Harvey's crew and scheduled a meeting. All hands would be on deck.

* * *

206\. He was there. He couldn't hear anything on the other side of the door. "Donna, open the Goddamn door!" He banged on her door as he had done a few hours ago. He hadn't eaten in over 12 hours, only for a disgusting black coffee on his way to work. "Okay, you know what? Remember my promise? I'm breaking that Goddamn door now." he said, careful enough to use his left arm. Hitting it once. Nothing. The door hadn't budge and as a reward, he felt a huge pain running from his shoulder to his elbow. Hitting it twice. The lock was getting loose. Hitting it thrice. It was close to giving way. Hitting it one last time, he managed to get the door to open. When the lock broke, he thanked his boxing training, and not some force from beyond that would have bestowed inhuman strength onto him, for it.

The lights were dim and the corridor too dark for the light of day. Silence haunted the apartment – save for the sound of water dripping, coming from the bathroom. Moving in the direction of the bathroom, he heard the shower spray as he got closer. The bathroom door was half-open. "Donna?" he asked concern evident in his tone. No answer. He opened the door anyway, noticed how the tiles were drenched. Gradually, his stare switched from the floor to the shower itself. He saw porcelain freckled skin and wet darkened red hair. She was lying still in a fetal position under the shower.

"Donna!" he said, hurrying up towards her, feeling how cold both the water and her body were. "What did you take?" he said, turning the water off. "No, no, no, come on, wake up!" he added, shaking her to snap her out of it. Out of ideas and scared beyond reason for her, he told the unconscious woman in his arms: "Sorry, Don'." He slapped her about a bit. She slowly began to drift in and out of consciousness, shivering and moaning in pain.

"Good," he heaved a sigh of relief. "That's good." He picked her up in his arms and said: "Hold on." He walked out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.

"I'm cold," she said, her teeth chattering.

"I know. I know," he said, enjoying the way her head and, curiously, wet hair felt against the crook of his neck.

He reached her bedroom, managed to turn down the bed and gently lay her down on the sheets. He walked out of the room and thought of a way to close the broken door. He pulled up a chest of drawers that was nearby and effectively made it impossible for anyone to walk in.

He went back to her bedroom, running a hand through his hair. In a matter of seconds, she took his breath away. He couldn't help it. His full-fledged staring gaze focused on her nakedness a little too long.

He averted his eyes again and walked up to her bed. In turn, he got undressed – leaving his boxers on.

"What… what are you doing?" she said with a stutter, still shivering.

He lay down next to her and rolled her on the side. Pressing his chest against her back, he placed the bedcover over them and took her in his arms.

"I'm just warming you up," he whispered into her ear and eventually nuzzled into her neck.

Reject me all you want, he thought, I'm never leaving you out of my sight again.

Regaining some of her neurons, Donna realized this – the situation he found her in – had made her look like an attention seeker. She slowly began to remember the pills and the shower. "I just fell asleep, you know," She explained.

He hummed strengthening his hold on her. She could sense his uncertainty. But like poison coursing through one's veins, she felt her blood start up again.

She felt his arms around her waist and gave into his warmth; her heart was pumping faster and her blood vessels were functioning again. "Harvey–" she let out and paused, "Why won't you just let me give up?"

"You've always known why," he concluded.

Seconds – maybe minutes later, he felt her fingers rest on his.

* * *

 **THOUGHTS AND... I GUESS YOU WANT MORE?**


	11. Chapter 11

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **And as promised, a very long chapter. Again sorry for all the mistakes you might come across. It's unbeta-ed. My beta is too busy having a life while I... well you get the idea. :P**

 **EDIT: If you notice any time line / plot mistakes, please let me know so I can correct. Cause I have a double life you see, teacher by day, writer by night and you might wonder when I actually sleep.**

* * *

She had been sleeping in his arms for over two hours when he moved out of bed, leaving her nestled under the covers. Feeling less drowsy, she immediately missed the contact of his warm skin against hers.

She noticed the blinds in her bedroom were drawn and couldn't make out where he had gone. The bathroom probably. She moaned slightly, touching her cheek which she guessed was bruised.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you," he said, walking back into the bedroom and went to open the blinds. She watched him sit down on the edge of the bed, turning his back to her. She saw him fidget, probably rummaging through his clothes. She heard him turn off his iPhone.

"You didn't," she half-lied for she probably would have slept longer had he stayed in bed.

"Care to explain that to me?" he said, putting the Ambien tablets on the mattress and turned around to face her.

"I didn't want to have to struggle with this. I didn't want to think," she said, gesturing with her index finger between the two of them. "I only took two."

"May I remind you that you didn't eat last night? Nor did you eat this morning," He explained with a serious tone. "You were tired, feeling stressed out… I mean, you passed out under a cold shower."

Was the best closer in New York City that observant? "It was warm at first," she growled, cursing herself for replying to him in that particular way.

"Well, I asked Rachel to come by and you didn't answer. So I came straight here and you… you scared the shit out of me, Donna," he said, rising up from the bed and picking up his pants and shirt.

"Well, I've been broken-hearted before, Harvey. But it's not like I would ever feel the need to OD over you," she countered. She was being harsh. Probably too harsh.

"Doesn't mean it couldn't have happened," he said, putting his pants on and facing the floor beneath him.

She rolled her eyes and almost rose out of bed herself, until she remembered she wasn't wearing any clothes.

This didn't go by unnoticed to him as her movements made him tilt his head back. he sighed: "Oh so now you don't want me to see you naked?" He was eyeing her carefully and she felt her cheeks, especially the bruised one, turn a different shade. Some things you couldn't control, she thought.

"Yeah, sorry about the–" he said, breaking the silence that had set in and pointed at his own cheek.

"Did you actually slap me?" she asked, cutting him off, bewildered.

"I figure you don't like that kind of foreplay, do you?" He smirked, trying to ease the tension between them. She smiled back at him and a small laugh escaped her mouth. His heart could have burst right that second.

Slipping his shirt on, he asked, bluntly: "Did you mean what you said? That you want nothing to do with me, anymore?"

She didn't answer and folded her arms, bringing the sheets closer to her chest. Donna was perfectly capable of not answering his questions but she didn't have it in her not to watch him dress up.

Somehow, he knew she wasn't going to give him answers. "Anyway, I have to go," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "I'll be back tonight and we'll talk." He said, averting his eyes and buttoning his shirt all the way up.

"Are you giving me the day off?" she asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

"I sure as hell am after what happened!" he shouted.

"You know you can't boss me around any–" she replied, daring him to launch into a one liner argument.

Fixing his tie, he cut her off: "And you better open the door, this time. I'll call someone to fix your door this afternoon."

"You're not trying to give me some space, are you? It's about something else. What is going on, Harvey?" she asked, searching his eyes.

"You know how I love the way you can read people, Donna?" he asked, fixing his tie and continued: "Well, now is not the time to read me."

She took his word for it and stopped asking. Something was wrong but he wasn't pushing her to define the situation they were in. Therefore, she had no right to ask why he had to rush back into work. She couldn't help but ask the other question that was at the back of her mind though: "What happened with Paula?" she tentatively asked.

He put his jacket on, sighed and said, heading for the door: "I broke up with her, Donna. Not because we did something you think is unforgivable. I did it because you're unforgettable."

Images flickered in her mind. Sharp and feisty: adjectives that used to qualify her 90% of the time now reduced to a mere 10%. She felt broken. This love that she had been waiting for – now truly back from the dead, had come at the worst of times. She wasn't worthy of his forgiveness. Would he ever truly forgive her anyway? At the threshold of a downward spiral and feeling close to being at the end of her rope, Donna lost her grip.

She needed space. But she needed him too.

"Harvey!" she called after him. The cool air of the bedroom hit her as she hurried out of bed, ran after him in the corridor and hugged him from behind. "Thank you for–" she paused and smiled softly, "for breaking that damn door." she said, placing her cheek against his upper back. He nodded enjoying the contact of her body pressed up against his before he broke it off and left her apartment.

He hated that he had to give her space. He didn't know if he had the strength to hold it together for the both of them.

Reading Mike's text again, he knew he had to avoid that hearing at all costs. Even if this wasn't a court per se, never go to court, he thought. Never go to court.

* * *

Donna stared at her broken door for a moment and placed the chest of drawers back where Harvey had put it. She went back to her room. She grabbed a sweatshirt and a pair of jeans from her closet. She put them on and headed to the kitchen. She wasn't hungry but she needed to eat. She noticed her coat and purse on the countertop. Right, I opened the front door with the spare key, Donna thought. This is why Rachel wasn't able to get in – she had never found it under the mat. She grabbed her phone from her purse, found a cable and connected it to the nearest plug she could find.

She swiped it open and saw three missed calls and four texts from Rachel:

 _I'm coming over! Do you need your usual latte or something stronger?_

…

 _Harvey told me something happened between the two of you!_

…

 _You're not answering. I'm in the cab, worried. Are you okay?_

…

 _I'm at your door. Why aren't you answering?_

…

She was about to dial Rachel's number when she received an email notification.

 _ **From:**_ _Harvey Specter_

 _ **To:**_ _Donna Paulsen_

 _ **CC:**_ _…_

 _ **BCC:**_ _…_

 _ **Subject:**_ _Broken door_

 _NYC Handyman_ _will be at yours in an hour to repair your door. On the firm._

 _I'll see you tonight._

 _Harvey Specter_

 _Managing Partner at Pearson Specter Litt_

She smiled, realizing that he hadn't had the time to change his signature. It should read Specter Litt from now on. It was a small detail. But not so small to her. She would have been the one to change it had she still been his secretary. She still did a few things for him as COO but it wasn't like it used to be. A series of bittersweet memories resurfaced: the few times she had actually touched him in years, their morning ritual, their whisky nights, their banter, listening in on his conversations, their longing looks that made her hope so many times and the can-opener. How could such a device have so much meaning to her – to them. The device has always symbolized a form of closure. The trial ritual was just a bonus. Something that belonged to them and only them – reminding them of a secret that once was – and once in a while, it was a blast from the past. The device itself meant so much more. It was the sign of a new beginning, a break up and a friendship at the same time. It brought her happy times in an all too bittersweet context. Years lost. He was never going to be ready. And now he's the one who doesn't want to let go of her? She had never failed him, indeed. But by doing exactly that, working for him and with him, she had failed them. She had put away the idea of them as a couple. All it took was one moment of weakness seven years later. It took one kiss to break that context. She had never been so scared in her entire life. Letting go is always going to be easier than losing.

She decided to call Rachel to let her know she was okay:

"Hi, Rach'" Donna said.

"Donna! Are you okay? I was scared something bad had happened to you." she replied.

"Well, according to Harvey, it almost did," Donna said.

"Meaning?" Rachel asked.

"Well, I hope you've got time. It's a long one to explain," Donna chuckled.

"I've got all the time in the world for you," Rachel replied.

"Harvey and I slept together last night," Donna said without beating around the bush.

"I kind of figured something like that had happened," Rachel admitted as well.

"How did you know?" Donna asked, impressed with her friend's ability.

"In his text, Harvey told me 'She needs you and I need her' and I put two and two together," Rachel paused and added, "This is wonderful, Donna! I'm so happy for you but what about–"

"Paula?" Donna cut her friend off and added, "She came by this morning when I was about to leave."

"Oh, God," Rachel blurted out.

"Oh, yes," Donna agreed. "I won't go into details but let's just say this messed me up royally," The redhead paused and explained: "I'm not even sure how I managed to get home but I did. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had done."

"What do you mean what you had done?" Rachel asked, voicing her concern.

"I'm the one who lured him into having sex with me," Donna said, ashamed of herself.

"Donna, I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but you didn't lure him into anything. The man always second guesses himself when something happens to you, even remotely. Translation: he wanted this as much as you did."

"One doesn't really explain the other, but, hey! What do I know?" Donna sighed over the phone.

"You're Donna. You know everything," Rachel said in an attempt to cheer her friend up.

"It doesn't change the fact that I've touched on a sensitive subject. He was unfaithful to her," Donna wasn't really moved by her friend's comment.

"Then you're both responsible," Rachel retorted. "But it doesn't matter because you guys can finally be together."

"I wouldn't be so sure, Rachel," Donna said, "Harvey came banging at my door but I didn't let him in. He wanted to tell me he had broken up with her. Instead, I left him standing there and–" Her voice broke. She gulped and managed to add: "Let's just say I needed to stop thinking so I took two sleeping pills not really caring what would happen if I did or where I took them."

"Aw… Donna," Rachel let out. "Do you want me to come over?"

"No, Rachel. I'm okay. Besides, Harvey has apparently made it his mission not to leave me alone." Donna let out a small laugh – this was a first in a long time, she thought.

"Do you mean he came back… and rescued you?" Rachel asked. Donna thought her friend was on another planet or living a romantic movie vicariously through her.

"I guess I have you to thank for my broken door too," Donna replied.

"So let me get this straight. He broke your front door," Rachel asked, stunned, "and you're telling me you're still having doubts? God, I think you're actually worse than him."

"I know he didn't want to show it to my face, but he's having doubts too. I could tell earlier. He told me he had to go and–" Donna began but was cut off mid-sentence.

"Donna, Malik's coming after him sooner than we had anticipated."

"What?" Donna asked, startled. She had been so engrossed in her undefined non-relationship with Harvey that she had forgotten about what had triggered the last 18 hours' series of events.

"He and Mike are trying to prevent tomorrow's hearing from happening as we speak," Rachel replied.

"What are the charges against him, Rachel?" Donna asked, sounding too professional for her friend.

"Donna…" Rachel begged her to stop asking.

"The charges, Rachel," Donna asked with a peremptory tone.

"Malik called the ethics board and is suing Harvey for professional misconduct, verbal harassment, intimidation and physical assault on a fellow member of the bar," Rachel explained.

* * *

"Come on, Craig. You know this is bullshit. Malik's only doing this because he's furious that I won by threatening to put him on the stand and question his own shady shit," Harvey told Craig Siegel, hands in his pockets.

"You physically assaulted the man in front of the entire New York Bar association, Harvey. And this isn't some isolated incident, many litigators support Malik's case against you. There has been talk of collusion between you and Cahill. I mean, these guys want to get rid of you," Craig admitted.

"Are you saying your hands are tied?" Mike asked, "Because it sounds to me like you've already made your decision and that the hearing might not even be necessary."

"Don't you try to make me say what I didn't say to get the case dismissed," Craig sighed.

"So it only takes the man a day to begin the proceedings? If I remember correctly, it takes weeks to have letters sent, to make phone calls and subpoena witnesses, interview or ask them to testify." Harvey got angry and said:"Are you telling me he did that overnight?"

"No Harvey, tomorrow's just the disciplinary proceeding–" Craig sighed, taking off his glasses.

"Didn't think so," Harvey said, bitterly and added, "This is a witch hunt – a planned witch hunt and you're right. Have you ever heard of due process? The court can hold that the proceeding violates the requirements of 'due process' in that the respondent was not afforded the full, fair and impartial hearing to which he was entitled."

"It won't work. This hearing is happening whether you like it or not. I like you, Harvey. But I suggest you start preparing you defense," Craig replied, putting his glasses back on.

"You're right Craig, I'm not going to let him strip me of who I am."

Harvey stormed out of Craig Siegel's office, quickly followed by Mike.

Outside the building, Harvey was standing in front of his Lexus. Ray was waiting for them in the driver's seat. Mike eventually spoke up: "I'm going to put Katrina and Tanner on the witness list."

"Why would I want Tanner to testify for me? He'll go against me in a heartbeat."

"I don't think so, Harvey. Besides, he knows who you are and how easy it is to hit someone in the face when it comes to a case. It'll appeal to the committee that you can be honest about your temper but that what happened with Malik–"

"Wasn't within the confines of a case. That's brilliant, Mike," Harvey said, cutting his partner off.

"But you're not gonna like what I'm about to say," Mike said, troubled.

"No way. Don't put Donna on that list," Harvey shook his head.

"Harvey, she's not on theirs which means they know she'll testify against Malik," Mike explained.

"How do you know she's not? Harvey felt out of the loop.

"I got a copy of their accusatorial proceeding when you left the office this morning," Mike admitted.

"Who else is on that list?" he asked.

"Sean Cahill, Charles Van Dyke… and Louis," Mike listed the names, pausing on Louis.

"This is starting to sound like my life is on trial instead of a disciplinary case," the older attorney said.

Harvey loosened his tie, a rush of panic sweeping in. "I'm a lawyer, Mike. This is all I am. I can't get disbarred."

"I know Harvey and I promise you, I'll testify to your good character, I'll do everything in my power to save the life you once granted me," Mike paused and began to struggle to find his words. "But the law isn't all that you are, Harvey. You're more than that. You're my Batman. You're the coolest guy I know. You know movie quotes by heart. You're kind. You're loyal. You're a man of his words."

"That speech would have held some truth two days ago, Mike," Harvey explained and stared his friend in the eyes, a tear escaping his right eye. The tear gave Harvey's face a sunken appearance. His voice broke when he said: "I don't just gamble, Mike. I cheat–"

"No, Harv', you play the man. Logic isn't always on people's side; you know it better than anyone else. And yours isn't right at the moment. So, I'm going to do what you do best. I'm gonna give you your truth." Mike explained and chose his words carefully. "You and I both know there's only one woman you've been loyal to through the years, Harvey," Mike cut Harvey off and paused, thinking this through, "You need to apologize to her. Not to the others. They never really mattered to you, no matter how much you've tried to convince yourself."

Harvey looked mesmerized by his sidekick's demonstration. "I've been meaning to do that since this morning but I'm afraid she's too far gone, thinking she's alone in this. That she's solely responsible for our awful timing."

"Then give her time. She's only human. And so are you," Mike said, patting his friend on the shoulder as he got into the car.

"Is that why you never called me Superman?" Harvey countered feeling reinvigorated for a moment.

"Goodness! Does that mean I'm Lois Lane in this scenario?" Mike realized, staggered and closed the door.

* * *

Donna thanked the handyman for his service and stared at her brand new lock for a moment. She would need a new spare key. Well, two now – maybe. She went to sit on her couch and finished her tea. It was only 6:30 and she had been waiting anxiously for the moment Harvey would show up. She hadn't really had a day off since she had been fired. Some nights off and weekends – that was her life. He would give her a day or two off once in a while. She had only taken two consecutive weeks of vacation in three years. She was his go-to girl in everything related to his practice. He had taken some time off himself during those two consecutive weeks. She knew he needed her – those were his terms. And terms of endearment to her. Irreplaceable… unforgettable; where was he going with all this? The fear of losing someone always makes you say stupid things. She knew he meant them but he had put such an emphasis on them that he almost looked out of character. The Harvey she knew never opened up about such things. She had turned to him for comfort and vice and versa. She had lain entwined in a wish. Wishing for something and seeing it full-blown in your face aren't the same. One is a feeling of desire; and the other makes you want to quit from fear of disappointment. A suffocating feeling of dread reached her throat as she realized that she would have to move forward with or without him. The exact same feeling she had felt when Louis, unaware of what was on her mind, had made her realize she was letting the love of her life get away.

Lost in her musing, she didn't hear the first knock on the door.

"Donna?" She heard and along came a second more forceful knock.

"Harvey?" she said even though she knew it could only be him.

"Yeah!" She heard him say all the way from the other side of the door. She stood up and felt every step she walked as if her feet were digging deeper into the floor, digging her sanity grave in the process. She went to open the door at the end of the corridor.

"Hey," she said, seeing him standing tall in front of her. Looking up, almost stargazing. He took her breath away.

"Hey," he said, "You're not going to close that door in my face again, right?" He paused and smirked, "I mean not after I've had it repaired."

She rolled her eyes at him and moved to the side to let him in. "I brought you dinner." he said and she closed the door.

"Thanks. I didn't really feel like making dinner," she said and went to sit at the table.

He joined her, eyeing her suspiciously. "I hope they didn't forget the chopsticks," he said, trying to alleviate the tension he knew was setting in.

"Harvey–" she began but he cut her off.

"So, I guess we have a lot to talk about," he said, dropping the bags on the table.

"When were you gonna tell me about the disciplinary hearing?" she said, without warning.

Oh boy, he thought. "You vented once at me for not comforting you and now you're criticizing me for doing exactly that?" he countered.

"How is leaving that huge detail out bringing me comfort now?" she kept pushing, folding her arms.

"I was trying to protect you," he spat out.

"Keeping things from me, Harvey, is going to make me question things even more," She explained with a gentler tone. "Harvey, you are at risk of getting stripped off of your license and you didn't see it fit to tell me? The law is your life, Harvey!"

"Our life!" He shouted and it startled her – his words a lot more than his volume.

He licked his lips and added, bending over and resting his hands on the table. "You and I work in pair. I've told you this before: I can't be me, without you."

His words resonated in her mind. "So, if I decide to prioritize your well-being over my disbarment, maybe I have my reasons."

"Will they be calling me as a witness?" Donna asked, too dumbfounded to ask anything else.

"Probably not, but Mike put you on our list," Harvey replied, closing his fists against the table.

"That is risky and you know it. They could turn it against you. And make it look like you've been harassing me sexually for years," she said, depicting a situation that had always been so far out of their minds.

"They'll probably be too busy with Louis to do that. I punched him the face, remember – what if he breaks and–" Harvey stopped mid-sentence and tilted his head back to seek reassurance in her eyes.

She saw how frightened he was and quickly caught his hand with hers and said: "They're not going to get anything out of Louis. I trust him."

"They might antagonize him," Harvey said, closing his eyes and letting the touch of her hand soothe him as much as possible.

"And so what if they do?" She asked rhetorically. "Don't you think these people capable of making up their own minds?"

To him, she was blazing – her mind, her looks – whatever she would say, he would always look up to her. But also he knew this time it would be worse than going to prison, it was about his worth as a lawyer – his dignity and pride. "They'll stop at nothing, Donna."

"Then why don't you take it as a sign that none of them will ever measure up to you – except Mike, but he's on your team so he doesn't count." She winked, feeling a sense of purpose.

"This – helping me with my shit – I haven't seen you like that in days," he realized and smiled back at her, sitting down.

She grabbed the take-out bag and took out the cups and chopsticks: "Guess there were chopsticks after all."

The metaphor didn't go unnoticed but he also understood now wasn't the time to ask.

* * *

They mostly ate in silence except for some small talk about the food itself and regarding possible drinks. They had settled for beers. They were almost done eating when she brought up his email signature.

"You need to get rid of the Pearson in PSL," she said, taking a mouthful of rice. "Remind me why you haven't hired a replacement yet?"

"Everybody's my secretary now," he shrugged, stirring his practically empty curry Thai rice with minces of pork together with his chopsticks. "And in case of emergency, you're right next door."

"I haven't done any secretarial work for you in weeks, Harvey," she explained.

"True, but you've been helping out a lot anyway," he countered, taking a mouthful of his dish.

"Because you told me–" she tried but he cut her off.

"No, I've never had to tell you a thing–" he began with a cheeky grin before getting played at his own game.

"I've always known, I know," she finished his sentence. "It's those eyes of yours, those goddamn pleading eyes, huh." she said, pretending to be grossed out.

He almost said 'You love those eyes' but he felt their conversation was too good to be jeopardized by his feelings for her. He snorted in amusement instead.

"You're hopeless," she said, dropping her chopsticks on the table. "Give me your phone."

"What?" He quirked a brow.

"Hand it over!" she said, holding her hand out.

"Fine!" he said, using his fingerprint to open it before he gave it to her.

"I know your password, you know?" she said as she began working on the device.

"What are you doing?" he asked, his gaze lingering.

"Working my magic," she said, pursing her lips.

"Email signature almost updated," She smirked, pride written all over her face. Doing this for him reminded her of a different time and a different place. An irreplaceable secretary she was, indeed, she thought as she put the device back on the table. "And done!" she let out.

"I love you," The four letter word escaped his mouth.

She titled her head and she saw his eyes bear into hers. "What?" she half asked, knowing exactly what he had just told her.

"I'm sorry. But I can't help it. I had to tell you. I need to–" he said before she cut him off again by rising from her chair.

"You love me today but what if you don't love me tomorrow?" she asked.

"Why would I stop loving you when I've been feeling this way for years?" he asked right back at her and rose up from his chair as well.

"Maybe all I'm saying is that this, our friendship and working relationship, is enough," she said and paused before adding, "That we are enough without risking losing one another," she said, moving into the kitchen to throw the empty cups in the bin

"You have no right to do that to me," he said, closing his fists the way he had earlier. "You pushed me out of my boundaries; you broke my walls down and now you're asking me to let it all go?"

"See, this is all my fault," she said running a hand through her auburn hair.

"I didn't say that. I said you made me realize how much I love you," he explained, following her into the kitchen.

"Maybe it's not even love! Maybe what you're feeling is just lust. I was so wrong to have done what I did. I forced a physical response on you and made you cheat on your girlfriend," she went on and on, closing the trash with her foot.

He wasn't even listening to her anymore. He just grabbed her by the elbow and made her face him.

"Did I ask you to stop?" he blurted out.

"I–" she tried before he cut her off again.

"Did I?" he repeated, his stare piercing through hers.

"NO, I DIDN'T!" he shouted. "BECAUSE IT DIDN'T FEEL LIKE CHEATING AND YOU KNOW IT."

She instinctively grabbed his open collar and breathed in loudly, "I know, Harvey. I know," she said, moving her hands slightly to touch his neck.

He nestled his face into her neck and added, calmer than he had been: "This was us, being who we are supposed to be." He kissed her neck and she closed her eyes, tears rolling down her face. His display of sincerity and empathy made her tighten her embrace. "And I'm so sorry it took me so many years to understand it fully. But please, don't give up on me now." They found themselves hugging each other tighter and tighter.

A few minutes passed before they broke apart.

"I'll give you all the time you need," Harvey said and added, "You know I will."

"You're leaving," she stated, matter-of-factly.

"Yes, I should go," he said, making her sense how hesitant he was.

"Yeah..." She nodded and he gave her a kiss that was supposed to land on her cheek but ended up on the corner of her mouth.

He almost felt her kiss him back before he left her on the spot and ran out the door a few seconds later.

* * *

 **I w** **rote this chapter in two days. I think it is one of my favorites so please send me your reviews.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Again unbeta-ed. So, I'm sorry for any mistake you may come across. xx**

* * *

"Mr. Specter you are called here today to stand before a jury of your pairs to determine whether Mr. Malik has cause, to ask for a procedure of disbarment against you. May I remind this assembly that Disbarment is the removal of a lawyer from a bar association or the practice of Law, thus revoking their law license or admission to practice law. Now, Mr. Specter, do you understand the charges held against you?"

"Yes, I do," Harvey said, wearing his favorite navy blue three piece Tom Ford suit.

"Do you understand that this is a disciplinary hearing?" Seidel asked.

"Yes," Harvey gulped. This didn't feel like a simple hearing. Everybody who either liked or hated him was there. And the people who hated dealing with him were more numerous.

"That if the procedure moves forward, you risk disbarment?"

"I understand," he said, turning around to catch a glimpse of his closest friends and colleagues: Louis, Alex, Katrina, Jessica, Rachel and Mike.

"Should you get disbarred, you are allowed to appeal the order of disbarment at the end of the procedure."

"I think we all know this isn't a trial. So I suggest we get down to business," Mike said. Harvey agreed with his friend.

"I'm only reminding you of this because lawyers tend to think a disbarment procedure allows oral motions. They don't. I see Mr. Ross feels the need to support you but he cannot under no circumstances object and move this assembly to strike an inadmissible testimony from the record."

"He knows Mr. Seidel," Harvey nodded, giving a sideway glance at Mike, thanking him for his support regardless.

"Mr. Specter, you may sit down," Craig Seidel began and added, "Mr. Malik, come forward, please."

Malik stood up from where he sat, on the left side of the jury and began his argument giving a death glare to Harvey. "All of you know or have heard of the great, great Harvey Specter."

"Mr. Seidel, this is infla–" Mike said from behind where Harvey stood.

Harvey closed his eyes and shook his head, knowing full well what was going to come out of Craig Seidel's mouth.

"Mr. Ross, do I have to ask you to leave this room? You are not Mr. Specter's lawyer here. Either you stop acting as his lawyer and support him through this tough time or I will have you thrown out," Seidel explained, warning Mike.

"Sorry sir. Bad habit, I guess. But Mr. Malik could at least make an effort and remain close to the facts instead of calling Mr. Specter names."

"I was merely suggesting Mr. Specter is known to be an amazing lawyer," Malik supported his former claim.

"Mr. Malik, go straight to the point, please," Seidel also warned Malik.

"I wrote a motion for the disbarment of Mr. Specter on several grounds. First, on the ground of professional misconduct. It has come to my attention that for the past two weeks, Mr. Specter and Sean Cahill who is prosecuting the Visionary-Data class action have made contact on several occasions. Visionary-Data's CEO, Mr. Gary Douglas' lawyer, Harvey Specter, I suspect, is involved in a scheme to take down his own client. Collusion between the two men has been suspected before although we have no evidence to support it."

"Have you seen Donna?" Harvey asked Rachel, switching on his chair.

"No, I'm texting her again, right now," Rachel said, swiping her phone open and Harvey turned back around to face Malik.

"Second, it is a known fact that Pearson Specter Litt clients, associates, colleagues as well as then-fake-lawyer Mike Ross benefited from Mr. Specter's ability to close people – using verbal harassment and intimidation to do so. I can easily demonstrate to the jury how Mr. Specter even used his position as then-senior partner to intimidate and sometimes assault his colleagues."

"Harvey, look!" Mike whispered in his friend's ear.

Harvey turned around once more and saw Donna in her navy blue dress. His eyes switched from worry to appeasement in a matter of microseconds. She offered him a small smile and mouthed "sorry" to him.

"Mr. Specter, are you not interested in hearing my case against you? Or would you rather be somewhere else? Let's say with your secretary for instance? Sorry, I meant ex-secretary-slash-COO." Malik expertly reprimanded Harvey, mocking him and Donna in the process.

"Why play dirty again, Malik? I thought you had more faith in your opening argument," Harvey retorted, unable to keep his cool anymore.

"Notwithstanding this but I agree with Mr. Specter here, stick to your argument Mr. Malik," Anita Gibbs jumped in. She had remained silent until that very moment. She might want the hot shot lawyer that he is locked away for good but at least she was capable of setting things right, Harvey thought. Specter one. Committee zero.

Keeping an impassive look on his face, Andrew Malik quickly resumed his observations: "Finally, on the ground that Mr. Specter was seen physically assaulting fellow members of the bar on various occasions."

"Hearsay!" Alex stood up from his seat, unable to contain himself.

"Do I have to ask your entire firm to leave this room, Mr. Specter? This isn't a court but a disciplinary committee," Anita said.

Harvey shook his head no and sighed. Specter one. Committee one.

"Please, resume Andrew," Seidel said.

So they were on first name basis now? Harvey and Mike both thought and glared at each other.

"I, myself got punched in the face yesterday. Mr. Specter is lucky I'd rather have him disbarred than sue him for battery, Mr. Williams," Malik added, his dark humor put a slight quirk on his mouth.

Harvey couldn't believe what he was hearing; the depths this man was willing to go to crush him.

"I will end my motion recap by saying that most of the people in this room have witnessed Mr. Specter giving in to his feelings over the years. Harvey Specter may be a good lawyer but his methods and the pattern easily found in his professional character should make us question his practice of the law. I believe a man has the right to win but not by any means necessary." Malik finally used a well needed pause – and for the audience as well.

Harvey rose up from his chair and closed his fists on the table. "And manipulating people isn't any means necessary, you conniving p–" Harvey couldn't help but let out. Seidel cut him off before there was no going back.

"Mr. Specter, another word and this procedure will happen whether we deem your presence fit or not," Seidel threatened and added, "Now, Mr. Specter, do you wish to say anything before we enter the witness list from both parties?"

"If what you want is to see me lose then, enjoy these proceedings because I won't break in front you," he said switching his gaze from Malik back to Donna. The woman looked startled and couldn't help but question his assertion. He turned around, faced the jury once more and closed his own opening. "Otherwise, I trust the lawyers that you are to assess whether my character is an issue or a manipulation of words."

"We will convene again tomorrow and call Mr. Malik's witnesses to testify and enter the depositions and or evidence against you. May I remind you that the Rules of Evidence work differently in the disbarment procedure? Evidence that is deemed irrelevant or prejudicial may not necessarily be deemed inadmissible. But ultimately, the burden of proof still applies," Seidel said, ending the first of many days to come.

Harvey stood up and walked up to Donna and took her hand in his, asking her to walk out with him. Outside the Character and Fitness committee review room 2104, Donna tried to slow down Harvey.

"Harvey, what is going on?" She asked, pattering beside him. He led her into the men's room.

He closed the door and said: "I'm done, Donna."

"No, no, Harvey, don't say that," Donna shook her head.

"I'm never going to be able to practice law again. They want my head on a silver platter. There is nothing any of us can do." He loosened his tie; something she had noticed him do a lot in the last week.

"You're wrong, Harvey," Donna said, moving her hand close to his face. Tentatively, as if asking for his consent, she gently rested her hand on his face.

He leaned into her touch and closed his eyes, "Questioning the witnesses, whatever evidence we try to enter, Seidel's a friend of Malik's, Anita has an ax to grind and Van Dyke has wanted me out of the game for years and let's just say, he's probably pulled a lot of strings to get me here today."

"Let's go, Harvey," she said, out of the blue.

Staring at her staring at his jawline – the one she had been caressing with her thumb – he gasped, "What?"

Her eyes shifted to Harvey's in an instant and she added: "Let's get out of here."

Donna linked her hand with his, trying to be of some comfort while she led him out of the men's room.

They were met by Malik on their way out. "My, my! What do we have here?"

"Malik get out of the way," Harvey said.

"See, your entire face screams the worst poker tell ever – but seeing you come out of the men's room with the redhead playing mommy to you is just an added bonus." He laughed and added, beaming: "I had a feeling I would get to you."

Donna felt Harvey's hand clench. He was about to burst. "You know what Malik. You did get to him." she said, never letting go of Harvey's hand.

"Donna–" Harvey tried but she kept going.

"You made him realize he's a stand-up guy who is going to win because you're full of shit," Donna said.

"A stand-up guy, really? He really must pay you in full to say that–" Malik began to ask but wasn't able to continue his rant as Louis and the gang came marching down, fast.

"What is he doing here?" Louis called out from afar.

"Get out of here, Malik!" Mike added, right behind Louis.

"Fine, we don't want to risk charging your entire herd with assault now, do we?" Malik asked rhetorically, before walking down the corridor and into another part of the disciplinary committee lobby.

"Harvey we need to go back to the office and help you prepare your line of questioning and submit Katrina's tape just in case." Mike explained.

"What tape?" Louis asked.

"We asked Katrina to tape our discussion with Cahill about dropping Visionary-Data. We just had a feeling Van Dyke and Douglas would try to prove collusion." Harvey said, his own thumb moving across the back of Donna's hand. Seeing his friends had calmed him down.

"That's good! And it can be admitted – oh shit–" Louis stopped himself, chuckled and asked Mike, "but you did collude at first, didn't you?"

"Say it louder, Louis, I don't think they heard you all the way over from the brown room of pain," Rachel said, rolling her eyes.

"That answer was fifty shades of amazing, Rachel," Louis let out.

Eyes wide, Donna was afraid to ask. "Don't tell me you've read–"

"All three books, yes," Louis cut her off, dead serious.

Mike, Rachel and Donna couldn't help but smirk at Louis' guilty pleasure. Even Harvey's eyes lit up for a moment.

"Mike, I'm not fit to–" Harvey began to say before Donna stepped over.

"You'll prep him tomorrow morning, Mike," Donna said, letting go of Harvey's hand to step closer to Mike and finishing Harvey's sentence in the process.

"Okay. Of course. It's already six o'clock anyways. We wouldn't get too much done. Better we start early," Mike managed a small smile and put his arm around Rachel, protectively.

"See you tomorrow," Harvey said, walking down towards the exit with Donna alongside him, Harvey only wished he would one day put his arm around Donna the way Mike had done to Rachel seconds ago.

"Is it just me or Harvey and Donna were holding hands?" Louis pondered out loud and added, "Am I missing something?"

"I think you need a day for this, Louis," Rachel said, smiling.

* * *

"I thought you weren't gonna come," Harvey said, outside the building.

"I just didn't know what to wear." she teased and asked. "Cab or Ray?"

"I drove here, actually," he said.

"Has Mr. Specter been thinking about an exit plan in a getaway car?" Donna raised her eyebrow in surprise and smirked.

"Sorry to crush your dream of riding alongside Alec Baldwin, but driving relaxes me," he said, pausing, "I needed to stop thinking."

"Where is your car parked?" she asked, trying not to corner him into having the define-our-relationship talk.

"In the parking garage on the other side of the street," he said. Getting the car keys from his pocket, he said, "Would you care to drive, Ms. Paulsen?"

Donna beamed and grabbed his keys. "And where would we be going, Mr. Specter?"

"Out," Harvey said, naturally, dialing someone on his phone. He used the crosswalk hoping she would follow him.

To say that the New York wind was blowing in her face would be an understatement, Donna thought. This single preposition felt like a gust of wind destined to that New York fall foliage. Autumn leaves were falling as she was; barely hanging on. The range of colors making her one with the city. And it was so, simply because she hadn't thought about them going out on a date until now. They were doing everything in reverse and she didn't know how to protect her feelings from him. Her heels took over her busy brain however, and pounded the pavement as she tried to catch up to him.

Leaving 27 Madison Avenue was an easy thing to do. The lower Manhattan traffic wasn't even an issue. Harvey entered an address on the car monitor and told Donna to just follow the GPS.

"Benedict Road, Todt Hill? Why are we going to Staten Island?" she asked him, suspicious but then put aside her own apprehension. "Not that I don't enjoy driving for forty minutes without purpose."

"Why does everything have to mean something with you? Can't I just enjoy watching you drive my sports car?" he asked, leaning back in the passenger seat.

"You're right, I'll pretend I'm not me for forty minutes and let you think you've won this one," She said shrugging and then pressing the gas pedal.

* * *

Forty minutes of pleasant talk and enjoying each other's company had been a really good idea, Donna thought. The red head had been singing along with 80s and 90s pop songs, as well as condescendingly accepting last minute directions from Harvey. The night had fallen, a cool breeze had settled and they had reached their destination.

"There, it's the one on the right," Harvey said and added, "Pull up, here."

"I do remember seeing this very expansive house somewhere before," Donna pondered.

"You have. This is Robert Zane's house," Harvey said, getting out of the car.

Donna followed him and thought about one special little girl growing up in this house.

"If you're thinking about Rachel growing up inside these marvelous walls, you're wrong. Robert didn't get this house until Rachel turned 16," Harvey explained.

"How do you know that?" Donna asked, bewildered and remembering Rachel's photograph perfectly. She was indeed older in the picture.

"He's invited me over before, you know," he shrugged.

"You mean you invited yourself over," she countered with a smirk.

Harvey gave her his best 'no comment' face.

"Why did you ask me to bring you here, Harvey?" Donna asked the question that had been on her mind for forty-two minutes.

"Robert Zane did everything he could to become the best lawyer, make a name for himself and earn more money in one lifetime than most men. But it never was just about him. He did it for his family, to provide for them and give them a better life. He bought a house here to escape the harsh reality of being a corporate lawyer. Of being someone who wasn't always thinking about what was just and right, but about what was best for his clients. Robert Zane is a grounded man. He is that stand-up guy," Harvey said, putting some emphasis on his last two sentences.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Donna asked, knitting her brows.

"I don't own that house, Donna. I don't have a family. All I have is my fancy apartment, my sports cars and my money," Harvey admitted.

"So you truly wanna fight this like a bitch," Donna said with a deadpan look on her face.

"I brought you here to show you why you are right to doubt the sincerity of my feelings for you," Harvey kept going.

"How do you know I'm not talking about the procedure you're facing?" Donna argued.

"Well I'm not," He began, shouting and added: "I'm not like Robert Zane. I can't promise you that kind of stability when I have been going off course for years."

"Bullshit, you brought me here to make you wake the hell up," Donna said, walking around the car to stand before him. "Besides, you were never off-course, you just weren't ready."

"Why are you getting mad at me? You're not even letting me finish!" Harvey said, startled by her anger.

"Because you've been acting like a goddamn coward all day. You brought this on yourself, Harvey," she spat out.

"And what does that say about you? You say you need time when I fear we've used up all our time," Harvey countered.

"That's because I thought you had to be the one that wasn't ready but I've come to realize that I'm not ready. I thought I was when I kissed you but I'm not. If you and I were to have sex right here, right now, I would be using you to feel confident about our relationship. That's what I did the other night and I hate myself for it," she admitted, lowering her gaze to the ground.

"Donna–" Harvey tried before she cut him off again.

"So don't you dare try to tell me I haven't done anything wrong because I did and I'm going to have to live with this every day. I'm going to have to look you in the eyes and see the man who loves me as the man I betrayed," she said before pausing and saw him lower his gaze too. She added: "Don't talk to me of stability – which I know you can provide. The problem is me, not you, Harvey. You will never be able to trust me again, do you understand?"

Harvey said nothing and kept his eyes fixated on the ground beneath him. She watched him take his iPhone out from his pocket vest and saw him make a quick phone call in front of her. "Harvey Specter, here. Cancel my reservation please. Yes. Thank you," he said, giving her an icy look that shattered her heart.

"I think I should take you home," he eventually said and snatched the car keys dangling from her hand, in a swift forceful move.

"Yes, I think you should," she sighed, getting into the passenger seat.

Date's over, they both thought. Was it even one to begin with?

* * *

The car ride back to Donna's was silent. The radio wasn't on. There was no music to sing along with. It was just him, focused on the road and driving faster than she had. No directions to be given on her part. He knew the way back to the city.

He pulled over but didn't stop the engine. She exited the car not expecting him to follow her. He drove off into the city lights just as fast as he had dropped her off. He didn't bestow a look that should give her hope; not that she wanted some. It was easier this way, she thought.

Standing on the pavement, her legs cold from the night wind, she entered her apartment building and walked up slowly to her 206 door sign. She was dreading the moment she would open the door. Trust. She didn't see herself worthy of his affection. Her inability to have faith in the future she desired made her mad. The way he had suggested they go out on a date had tugged at her heart. She never would have guessed the Zane mansion was just a quick stop. He had planned something and she had crushed his expectations by refusing her own. Protecting him at all cost had always been her mission – whether that meant she had to protect him from himself or from her. She fumbled in her purse for the key to her apartment and put the key into the lock. Before she could turn it clock-wise, she gasped as she felt something pull her away from the door and spin her around. She dropped her purse and barely had time to catch a glimpse of his face that he greedily consumed her mouth. Harvey pressed her up against the door and devoured every inch of her lips, tongue and jawline, listening to her every moan. He sucked on her lips and breathed her breath, letting her touch him the way he wanted to be touched. He moved from her cheeks and neck to her mouth, back and forth. She closed her eyes and forgot the last hour of her life. She felt every angle he used to trap her mouth against his, muffling her surge of pleasure and crashing criminal sensation. Every part of his stubble scratching spots on her face she didn't even know existed. She didn't think he had ever kissed her that way before. The feeling of his hand running from her neck to the back her head sent her reeling. He slowed down their rhythm as he became aware of how her response demanded more and more oxygen. She lost track of time. She didn't want him to stop. Yet, he did stop it. He kept his hold on her but opened his eyes to look at her flushed face.

"There's something I've been meaning to give back to you," he said, still panting.

"What?" She gasped.

"Trust is something you earn, Donna," he said, taking a key from his pocket and added, "This belongs to you," he said, putting the key chain and its key in her hand.

"Don't let it slip through your fingers again," he said, stepping away from her, the confident look upon his face unmistakably real and decidedly doing the work for two.

Out of breath, she watched him leave her again; the best shot he had hit her with yet, now in her hands and slowly leaving her lips.

* * *

 **You can imagine how I loved writing the last part of this chapter. Please review the hell out of this one and let me know your thoughts, pretty please. ;) xx**


	13. Chapter 13

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Sexually explicit material ahead, almost poetically correct though: P You have been warned.**

 **Promised the next chapter tonight so here it is. Any mistakes, typos, etc. let me know... and sorry about those. Please review this chapter because I really need your imput.**

* * *

It was a perverted thing to do. Making her crave after him the way he just had. Had he just corrupted her body and soul? The COO knew how toxic she was to him but had almost forgotten how toxic he was to her. Forget the disbarment, it seemed Donna Paulsen, Harvey Specter's moral compass had been put on a leave of absence. Unbeknownst to her, Donna was right about one thing. Doubtful and desirable Donna had been called in her stead. She had not let him finish his little story about Robert Zane… about family life. Too scared to picture the best future there was? Too afraid to hope? She used to listen a lot more. She used to read people. How good it felt to put the pieces together and to put her own key next to his on his keychain.

That make out session had fried her brain. She didn't see it as them doing something wrong but his longing for her felt almost surreal. You don't help and support someone by having sex with them, Donna thought. Yet, she couldn't shake out the feeling that he wanted her to join him back at his place for a hot and steamy night. 'This belongs to you.' It was a perverted thing to say. His apartment, his sports cars and his money – none of those things belonged to her. Those were things he couldn't offer her. But the key to him did belong to her. How blind she had been. That kiss wasn't about knowing anything. It was the perfect build-up to persuasion. This man has been holding the belief that they are meant to spend the rest of their lives together. She used to read people. She had managed to distort that as well, blinded by her need to protect herself. She was too far gone now to turn back around.

She turned the key clock-wise and entered the apartment. Walking down the corridor and dropping her purse on one of the stools, she took off her shoes and began to undress. Something resembling white noise was calling out to her. Her mind had been drifting over countless thoughts for the better part of twenty minutes and her legs and arms were almost acting on their own. Fully naked, she reached the bathroom, her slow gait allowing her to feel the cool bathroom tiles and soft mat under her feet. Going in the doorless shower, she put her arms around him.

"Hey," she said, resting her head on his upper back.

"Hey," he said back, recognizing her voice, arms and hands. "I'm going to sound stupid, but is this a dream?"

"It's not, I let myself in," she said, her voice hoarse.

He turned the shower head off. Harvey seemed to relax.

"I'm glad," he smiled, feeling her body cooling his own down.

"I can't stop. I don't want to stop," she said, kissing his upper back. She began caressing his chest hair with one of her hands and ran the other down to his sex.

Donna couldn't really fathom moving on. She needed to tell him how much she knew him. And sex was the kind of comfort he needed at this time. This wasn't about getting him ready for a fight, but reminding him that her, needing time, didn't mean she didn't want him. That she needed him in that way, too. There was no denying she still doubted herself. But she had to give it a try. He was on the receiving end of this act of love. She wanted him to surrender to her.

"I need you. I don't want you to stop," he said, leaning into her touch and panting with every stroke.

Harvey couldn't really see where they were going. But her coming to his place and into his shower unannounced had given him reason to hope. He wanted nothing but to see her out of his life two hours ago. Well, until he realized she had never let him finish talking in the first place. His uncertainty got the better of him. Stop dodging everything. Tell her, no, show her, Harvey thought.

"You have me," she said, feeling one of his hands rest on the one fondling his torso. She couldn't believe they hadn't even made eye contact yet. He hadn't felt blindsided by her actions. She loved touching him and sending the message that she had him too.

He didn't see a wall in front of him. All he saw was her, strutting in the corridor to his office, wearing her navy blue dress and her nude pumps. He could smell her Narcisso Rodriguez perfume from up close instead of inches or meters away – whatever metrical system his brain could muster.

Unable to shut down entirely, and being who he was with his uncertainties, Harvey couldn't help but use what little activity his brain had to think.

"And after tonight?" he asked, tentatively as he placed his inactive hand against the shower wall, steadying himself.

"Ask me in the morning," she said and it was all it took for him to give in, completely. He moaned her name once. Twice. Maybe more, maybe less. It didn't matter. What mattered was that she wanted to stay just like this: protecting him, hugging him as he rode out his climax. Looking at him during sex would make it all too real. And she wasn't ready to do that.

"Harvey…" Donna began, a few moments later, her tone serious.

"Donna..." Harvey gasped, turning around to face her.

Donna looked at his face with adoration in her eyes and said, running a hand through his wet hair: "There's no way that they're going to protect you if they don't care about you."

Harvey pressed his forehead against hers and asked: "Donna?" Benevolent and confident Donna was back – focused on his professional life. Even if the two – his personal and professional life – weren't easily distinguishable, this wasn't the Donna he wanted.

"You have to show vulnerability. Show them how loyal and kind you are," she continued, eager to say more.

"Tomorrow," he said, shutting her up with a kiss and pushing her up against the bathroom wall. He grabbed her butt, lifted her up and helped her wrap her legs around his waist. Trapped between the wall and his body, she felt captivated by his strength. She felt herself surrendering to his will.

Part of their relationship was based on a power play. A power play that was never a reflection of their intimacy but a culmination of what couldn't be: the very situation they were in right this moment. She would never be like him and he would never be like her. He had always been looking at her that way and so had she. He just wished she could accept that none of this was a mistake. Harvey started looking at her with lustful eyes and showed her he wasn't ashamed of wishing to do what he was about to do. The way his mouth hung on to all the sensitive spots on her body, making her benefit from his unadulterated appreciation reminded her of all the times things between them could have turned out differently. He noticed she had been averting her eyes.

"Look at me," he said, his breathing erratic against the tall redhead.

The other part of their relationship was based on trust. He needed her to trust him. About everything.

Whatever was about to happen, there was no point in trying to resist him, she thought.

"Start looking at me, please," he pleaded, holding her still with one hand. His other hand followed a trail from her neck, running his fingers between her breasts and down to her crotch. The sensation made her arch her back. Claiming her and showing her how he had chosen her a long time ago. She switched her brown eyes back to his parted lips.

"I am, Harvey," she gasped, moaning intensely.

"Look into my _eyes_ ," he stressed, increasing his rhythm on her.

If he were to grab her jaw right there, it would imply he had control over her. If she were to look him in the eye on her own, it would imply abandonment to him. Unwilling to decide, she picked the better option, she tried to kiss him again. But he kept on refusing her, teasing her with his provoking words and fingers.

"You're your own woman, Donna," he sighed and stopped his frantic exertion abruptly. "I'm just trying to show you where my loyalty lies," he said, his eyes still focused on her averted ones.

"Harvey…" she tried, touching his lips with her fingertips, staring at his slightly older and yet perfect jawline, his lean shoulders and strong biceps – the result of regular boxing and work-outs.

"And it lies with you," he said smirking against her fingers, building her arousal up again. Arrogance. She needed his self-satisfaction to give in to his challenge. This was the other part she needed. Harvey Goddamn Specter in the flesh. Honest and confident Harvey. Brave enough to transfer his high self-esteem onto her; acting as an antidote to the darkness inside of the woman he loved.

She couldn't keep up the illusion anymore and gave him what he wanted; what she had been meaning to give him for so long. Her whole body clenched and she set her eyes on his before she felt as if they had rolled at the back of her head.

"God, you're beautiful," he let out, watching her squirm free of her complicated self under his touch. Heaving as she clung to his neck, roaming her hands freely to his chest, Donna didn't know where to hold on for support. But he did hold her; he had been holding her this whole time. Through it all.

It took her a moment to find her footing again.

He helped her down and placed her arms around his neck for support. Breathing in his sent, she nuzzled her nose into his neck. He was so tall and handsome. She had never felt as good as she had this very moment. She didn't feel too old or too young in his arms. She felt as if she had burned so very brightly.

He had burned twice as bright as she had. Holding her still in his arms, he couldn't say he wasn't tired but the feeling of being with her outdid any inconveniences he might have felt in his legs or upper body region.

"Feeling lighter?" she joked.

He grabbed her hand and kissed its palm, "I knew you had put on weight," he retorted.

"I could say the same about those few pounds you've put on over the years," she kept pushing as he led her to the bedroom.

"Guess you won't mind putting on a few extra then if I make you something to eat," he winked at her.

"That would be nice, can I go lie down for a sec'?" she asked

"Of course. I'm gonna put something on," he said, kissing her lightly on the lips.

"You're right, I don't want the entire city of New York to see you in the nude," she teased, lying down on the bed as he walked to his closet.

"I'll be right back," he said, giving her a childish smile enjoying how possessive she was.

Probably dysfunctional, she thought. But she had no doubt now that they would, at least, go down together.

"You know," he began, putting his shirt on, "I do feel lighter. Lighter than I've felt in years."

"I meant that as a joke, you know," she said, staring at the ceiling on the bed. He sorted out the clothes in his closet to find a pair of tracksuit. "Donna, I –"he continued, putting his tracksuit on. "What I mean is, you know how, after the kiss, when I ran after you, I said some terrible things to you. And ever since our kiss, you haven't told me how you feel. I opened my heart to you and–" he didn't hear her say anything and took it as a sign to continue. "But it doesn't mean that I want to be with you because I don't want to lose you. Of course I don't wanna lose you. But this isn't about making your needs my needs," he added, walking back to the bedroom. "It's because I love you and tonight you've shown me that you could come to terms with that and accept–" he stopped himself mid-sentence when he saw her huddled up on the bed, still as a statue, breathing evenly.

"Donna?" he called out to her and moved closer to the bed. Her eyes were closed. She was asleep. He pushed the covers aside and got into bed with her. He pulled the covers up over them and whispered: "Breakfast then. Yeah, breakfast it will be."

A small tear landed on the pillow under her head.

* * *

Donna opened her eyes and groaned when she heard his alarm ring. 7:30 AM. The tune was fine but she didn't have it in her to wake up, just yet. It hadn't been a good night of sleep for her. She had woken up a few times and attempted to fall back asleep to the sound of his breathing and heartbeat several times without success. All she could think about was how their ultimate break up would look and sound like. He would call her names, ranging from filthy whore to cheating bitch. He would let all his anger out on her. Or he could just act coldly about it, like the way he had canceled the dinner reservation he made last night.

She felt him move locks of hair which were hiding her neck. He kissed the crook of it, lingering slightly longer than he had intended to. "Stay in bed." He got out of bed, making sure to put the covers back above her frame.

The sex had been amazing. They had lost themselves in this – now almost resolved – sexual tension. They had definitely not made love. But in a way, it had reached a level of intimacy that would be hard to let go of. Too hard to let go. Just like that, she had snapped back into her daydreaming years – and the nights too, in which she would take control; make him beg her to give him all that she wanted to give. Years of exchanging charged looks had turned into touching, kissing, stroking and… fingering. Even the word sounded too pornographic for her taste but that was what he had done. She hadn't expected it. She should have; he had done it before. Harvey took that control and had given back. Not because she had acted nice and given him pleasure, but because he loved her. That insanely hot man – the one she had been longing after for so long had given her one of her best orgasms in years. Yes, she had no intention of reminding herself of the number of years which had gone by. Yeah, he had been her knight in shining armor the entire night and she, well, she shouldn't use the third person when thinking about her inability to express herself with words. First time they had sex, she forgot who Donna was by compromising her loyalty to him. And last night, for the second time around, she made it look like all she wanted to do was have sex. But it wasn't all that it was. Kissing him to know? Having sex to dig deeper into that discovery? He had confronted her about that, implying her kissing him that night had been about her expressing her love for him. 'I'm in love with you, Harvey,' he had said, making fun of her. That wasn't it. She wanted to know if she could pursue a relationship with him. She had to know whether _he_ was in love with her or not. No matter how many times he says it, loving someone cannot be enough. That night, she realized she would never have the strength to do this on her own. She couldn't trust herself not to break up with him. She really did love him too much to risk losing him forever. How stubborn could he really be for their sake?

She fell back asleep and woke up about an hour later to the smell of freshly brewed coffee and pastries. It intrigued her a bit. She got out of bed and wanted to get dressed when it hit her that she didn't have comfy clothes. She had nothing to wear besides her dress and coat. She noticed a hanger on the doorknob of his bedroom double doors. The corner of her mouth turned into a smile when she saw her dress, bra and knickers with a post-it stuck on it which read: _Wear what I put on the chair by the closet instead._

She moved to the closet and put on his dry-cleaned white shirt. The piece of clothing smelled so good. There was a black tracksuit. It was his size. At least it wasn't Paula's or some other woman's. She put the tracksuit on too and headed out into the living room.

"Hey!" he said, hearing the doors close behind her.

The man behind the counter was beaming. It took her aback but she eventually replied, "Good morning…" and moved to sit on one of the stools.

"That… truly doesn't do your legs justice," he said, pointing his index finger at his tracksuit before going back to a more important task: setting a plate of croissants on the kitchen island.

She knitted her brows together, sighed and rose up from the stool. "You're unbelievable," she said, shaking her head in disbelief before she started taking off the object of discontent. She then picked it up from the floor and threw it all the way over on the couch.

He paused with the coffee pot in his hand and gave her a look-over that made her blush. Yes, she had started it but it certainly did not mean his reaction couldn't affect her.

He gulped slightly and said, "Please, don't mind me Ms. Paulsen if you start feeling like taking my shirt off as well," he smirked, cornering her with his smooth repartee.

"Of course, how could seeing my legs make you stop thinking about that part of my anatomy!" she said, sitting back on the stool and crossing her legs. Too seductively for him apparently for he began staring at her intensely.

"So, who did you bully into fetching us croissants?" she asked.

"Yours truly." he said, serving her coffee in a mug. "I went to the corner of 64th St and Broadway."

"These come from Epicerie Boulud?" she asked, wide-eyed in astonishment. "I mean, you didn't have to."

"Yes, I did. We didn't go out last night. Least I could do was to make it up to you with breakfast. Besides I needed to go for a run."

"I thought you had quit running after you started going to the boxing club," she said, taking a mouthful of the croissant in her hand. "Gawd, I hate you, this is so good," she grunted her approval.

"A feeling! My life's complete," he said, holding an invisible knife and fake-stabbing his heart repeatedly. She gave him a look that said 'don't even begin'. He abruptly cut off any potential vocal intervention on her part by saying: "First. Sue _Monsieur Boulud_ , not me. Second, you told me to lose weight."

He put the coffee mug to his lips and took a sip from the hot dark beverage.

"I never said that. I said you've put on a few extra pounds yourself," she said, raising an eyebrow. She grabbed her own mug and drank from it. Her eyes softened and all she could think of were his eyes staring straight into hers. He wouldn't mention what he had begun to say last night unless she brought it up. If she did mention it, she would break this moment of peace. If she didn't, it would haunt her. "Running is good but boxing is better for your upper-body," she admitted, going for option number one.

He leaned forward over the counter and folding his arms over it, said: "I've wanted to kiss you like that ever since I've known you."

"What?" she mumbled with the last bit of croissant in her mouth. She hadn't expected him to say that. Out of the blue for her but well-considered for him; she noticed Harvey looked dead serious.

"In front of your door. I would have kissed you after a proper date – dinner – but you cut the grass under my feet," he explained, watching her avert her eyes again.

"I'm sorry," she said.

"Don't be. That kiss… even I couldn't believe how good it felt. And you, using the key I had just given you... what you and I did… let's just… please, look me in my face and tell me everything's okay."

She shifted her eyes to his and stated: "You know only you could kiss me the way you did last night–"

"Good. Cause I want you and I to move in together," he cut her off and seeing the very bright but startled look on her face, added, "someday… soon."

"Harvey! What the hell? Don't you think that you have more pressing matters to deal with at the moment than moving in with…" she trailed off.

"Moving in with whom? Or should I say moving in with what? Cause I can tell from the tone in your voice that you don't think so highly of yourself," he said, moving around the counter to go stand next to her. "I love YOU. Don't run away from me." he pleaded her, taking both her hands in his. He began massaging her forearms, sending shivers down her spine.

"There's no way out of this, Harvey. I'm… I'm not in a good place. You and I can't have everything," she frowned, sounding more confused than devastated.

"This is where you're wrong. Remember when you used to believe we could have everything?" he asked, hopeful.

"I said you had everything but I didn't. And this…" she said, gesturing between the two of them. "you and me is everything to me and I can't–"

"Tell me you're not in love with me, right the hell now," he threatened, cutting her off again.

"Giving me ultimatums isn't going to make things easier for me," she explained, shrugging off his threat.

"See? You can't say it because you know you'd be lying! After years, you kiss me, give me hope and you crush it as if all of this had been for nothing. Keep telling yourself that we won't work. Worse, keep telling me that we won't work. I think you might actually allow this nonsense to destroy us. Only, again, you will have me destroy it for you. And that, Donna is an ultimatum," he said, running his hand on his neck and walking to his couch.

"What do you mean, again?" she asked, softly.

"Your rule… just because I asked you to come work for me after you and I had slept together didn't mean I didn't want it all at the same time," he explained.

"I woke up to an empty bed that morning, Harvey! And you explicitly told me that you wouldn't have come over if you had thought about taking another job," She reminded him of their conversation.

"Cause it was you who made me want to fight to get that job. You're my drive, my adrenaline when it comes to the law. You always point me in the right direction and you've prevented me from screwing up more times than I can count. I rushed out of your apartment that morning to go see Jessica, feeling happier than I had felt in years. And at the coffee shop, I told you I didn't want to lose you and I'll always remember the look you had on your face at that precise moment. You wanted a relationship with me and I got scared… I couldn't ask for more because I knew you would have told me to shove one of my offers up my ass," he said, licking his lips to cool his mouth down.

"And I took that job for you," she uttered, staring at the floor, trying to hide the tears that were coming.

"There hasn't been a day where I haven't thought about that bitter compromise," he said and watched her stand up and heading for the bedroom. "Where are you going?"

"Empty bed, Harvey," she said.

"What?" he said, getting off the couch and hurrying after her. He grabbed her hand and she turned around to face him.

"How could I know you wanted me that way too that day?" she shouted in his face. "It took me years to figure out you were still attracted to me!"

"Donna… I realize I handled it poorly that morning but I just–" he began until it was her turn to cut him short, although she had vowed not to do it again.

"You just what, boss?" she replied, bitterly and added, "you just thought 'screw this, she's just another one night stand, she won't mind, right? If she asks nicely, I'll fuck her again someday?'"

"I have never fucked a one night stand the way I fucked you," he said, unable to stop himself. Hard. Deep. He had used the informal verb on purpose, mimicking her own use. Between a razor blade and the sweetest declaration there was, Harvey Specter wanted nothing but to settle with his adversary; playing a dangerous game no less.

"Come again?" she dared him to say it again.

"I've never fucked anyone the way I fucked my secretary," he stressed again, striking the easiest chord of all. Donna slapped him.

"I love you," he kept pushing, standing still in front of her. He could feel his wounded cheek pounding.

She slapped him again.

"You make me want to fight for the man I can be," he continued. She began sobbing and stopped herself from slapping him. She pressed the palm of her hand against his chest instead. He replied by pulling her into a hug.

"You made me the lawyer that I am today. You made me go see my mother. You found Mike for me…" he added, still unfazed by her previous actions.

"I can't give you everything, Harvey," she cried.

"I'm trying to show you that you are my everything. I will fight for us. I don't care if I have to wait years for you to stop resenting me and join me in this. But I'll make us win..." he paused, feeling her head pressed against his chest and added, smirking, "otherwise… well, you might sue me for sexual harassment."

She laughed and sniffed back her tears. He chose that moment to tighten his embrace.

"I'm sorry that I snapped at you," she said, tilting her head back as she put her hand against his cheek.

"Let's not mention that again. This week has been hectic," he said and gave her a quick peck on the lips.

"Yeah…" she said and reminded him of his obligations, staring at his lips, "you need to go see Mike and prepare for this afternoon.

"You used to say those things in a more professional way Ms. Paulsen," he indicated, smiling that handsome smile of his.

"Go check your face before my mood swings come back," she joked and added, taking a step back "Can't believe I just said that."

"You put up a good fight. It's a bit sore but I don't think it'll bruise," he said, letting go of her to go check his face in the mirror. He then noticed her grabbing her knickers from the hanger that was still on the doorknob.

"Did we just… argue while you weren't wearing anything under–" he stopped mid-sentence.

"Yep," she chuckled and headed for the bathroom before he could say anything else. If he had, she was fairly certain she would have given him what he wanted.

She never saw him rest the palm of his hand against the bathroom door or heard him say those three little words again.

She would have told him. She would have. She couldn't shake the feeling that she would never be enough. But she would have told him how much she loved him right there. Back then. Everyday for thirteen years. Forever and ever.

* * *

 **Show me the love or hatred. As long as you want me to keep writing this fic, I'm at your service. ;)**

 **I have a lot of time on my hands this week [SO-HAPPY-TO-BE-ON-A-BREAK] so I'll be able to upload soon. Might even be able to do so tomorrow night.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Super duper long chapter ahead. You better review the shit out of this one if you want me to upload fast.**

 **If actual law students or lawyers are reading this fic, please try not to mind my way of using US laws and regulations. Try not to think about the legality of things. Some things I read from constitutional law, other things you come up as you go. It's clearly supposed to look realistic but it really isn't.**

* * *

You will have me destroy it for you. Destroy this nonsense. Is this nonsense worth becoming a relationship? He's ahead of me regarding everything. He wants to move in with me... Stop it, Donna. Stop it, she thought to herself, spitting bits of her watery toothpaste in the sink.

"Donna? I need to grab a shower too. I went for a huge sweat this morning, remember?" he said twenty minutes later, banging at the bathroom door. "And it's not like I don't risk losing my license to practice law or anything–" he stopped himself mid-sentence hearing her disengage the lock.

"Forry…" she mumbled, opening the door for him. Harvey noticed the toothbrush in her mouth and how she was adjusting and tightening the towel she had wrapped around her body. He thought this to be the cutest sight he had ever seen.

"Is that my spare toothbrush?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hm, hm," she agreed, lazily with a slight bob of her head. He was beaming and it made her anxiety subside.

He also looked like he wanted nothing but to take that towel off. She rolled her eyes at him and went back to brushing her teeth in front of the mirror. She bent over slightly to get a closer look at her teeth, granting him a better view of her butt. Harvey laughed a little and began to howl.

"Stoph howlin' lika wof ath gotem moon!" she said, utterly exasperated, with a mouthful of toothpaste between her teeth and tongue.

"Just howling at yours, Don'," he smirked and gently brushed the exposed piece of flesh with the back of his hand before heading for the Italian shower. Harvey began slipping out of his tracksuit. Donna kept brushing her teeth while enjoying a good view of him in the mirror. He caught her looking at him from the corner of his eye. She saw him take his boxers off and stopped polishing the inside of her mouth. Her lady parts jumped up a few degrees. He turned the water on and all she could see were water drops running down his back and bare ass. 'I haven't fucked anyone the way I fucked my secretary,' she remembered him say. God, I hate him, she thought as she spat the toothpaste in the sink. She took some water, gargled and stormed out of the bathroom before she did something she wouldn't be able to regret – again – later. And then regret some.

* * *

He got out of the bathroom twenty minutes later, wearing his bathrobe.

Fully dressed, she was sitting at the edge of the bed, putting her shoes on. "I have to go home and change. I'll join you–"

"I let Ray know an hour ago. I'll wait for you in the car," he winked at her with his perfectly shaved face, almost dried hair and bright smile. She figured he wouldn't leave her out of his sight.

"Thank you," she said, watching him walk to his closet. "You know…" she began to say, stopping him in his tracks, "I see how hard you try… you want things to go smoothly and to be easy for me."

Slowly transitioning into a relationship? Checked, she thought.

"What's so hard about calling my driver to ask him to drop you off at your place so you won't have to explain why you're wearing the same dress two days in a row?" he asked.

No one will notice, she thought. But she hadn't worn the same clothes two days straight in thirteen years. People _would_ notice.

Slowly dreading every step she'd take? Double checked.

"Does it mean you don't want anyone else to know besides Mike and Rachel?" she asked, uncertainty written over her face.

"I'm not ashamed of our thing if that's what you think. I want no one to know so we can work on us. No complications, no trials and tribulations. But at the same time, I want everybody to know… except you need to figure out what you want," he acknowledged.

In the span of a week, Harvey hadn't stopped surprising her. 'Thing' and 'figuring out what you want' in the same sentence? This was their new arrangement. Those moments were about them and about protecting themselves from the outside world. He was doing his best to make sure no outside intervention would ruin everything for them. They would be the only two people responsible in case things turned sour or for the worse. Well, technically she would be the Eve to their Fall according to what he had said only just a little over an hour ago; not that she didn't agree with him on that.

"Then maybe it doesn't matter if I don't change…" she tried before he cut her off.

"I don't want Malik to know," he stated, bluntly, "the guy will easily pick up on such things."

She cast a questioning glance at him before he added, sighing as he walked back to his closet, "The last thing I want is for him to use my relationship with you to knock me down. He'll say horrible things to you or about you and I know I won't be able to control myself."

"Harvey, he will try, no matter what I wear. He knows there is something between us," she said, standing up.

"What do you mean?" he said, taking a navy blue three piece suit off its hanger.

Donna stared into the distance and reminisced. "When the both of you worked for Cameron Denis, there was this one time where you and Cameron had gone out for drinks and he got into his head that he would just hate your guts, I guess. Then, he accused you and me of being intimate even though we hadn't been… yet. I thought he was jealous at first but then I saw the look in his eyes and he just despised you and your ability to seduce people."

"I'm an idiot," Harvey said, dropping the suit on the bed. "I'm so sorry, Donna."

"You couldn't have known…" she said, frowning.

"Yes, I did," he sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Remember how the self-centered and obnoxious jerk that I was thought he could have everything?" he asked.

"I think you kind of still think you can have everything," she quipped, surprising herself in the process. She was the one trying to alleviate the situation.

"Well, I had everything, the best cases, I was Denis' hotshot sidekick and you know how I can't keep up with people's names." She could tell he didn't look back on his younger self too kindly.

"I know absolutely everything but this," she indulged him, sensing his heart was in the right place even though he looked like he was about to reveal a monster out of the bag instead of a cat.

"And you know who else I had? The most beautiful secretary," he said, staring her in the eye and kept going, "So when Mike brought me that case, I said I didn't remember the guy. Well, in hindsight, I kind of did… because I overheard him and some other guy talk about you once...and how he wished you went under his desk instead of mine." Harvey closed his fists when he said it.

"What did you do, Harvey?" she asked, fearing the worst.

"I called them out on their bullshit and I told Andy to go fuck himself and that if he ever came near you or worse–" he paused, certain he didn't want to go there. "That I would beat the shit out of him."

"I get that he's a pig but it doesn't mean–" she said before he cut her off, bitterly.

"Well, I had to have it all, Donna!" he added, moving anxiously about the room. "And I knew I wanted you that way and I panicked… so I implied that you and I were together." he admitted.

"As in…" she began, not really needing convincing.

"Yes," he nodded, staring at the ground beneath him. "You have no idea how ashamed I was – am–" he tried to say but she cut him off on the spot.

"This is why everyone was making assumptions about us. Cameron, Bertha and… This is why Malik made it look like I–" Donna said and stopped herself from exploring the bombshell Harvey had dropped on her further. Taking a step back, she put her hands to her face and began pacing the bedroom.

"No, they didn't know. We've always flirted and you know it! That's why they were making sarcastic comments every chance they got. But Malik never told them; otherwise Cameron would have asked me to make you sign a love contract to prevent you from going after me with a sexual harassment lawsuit," he explained.

"I can't believe it," she said, letting her arms fall alongside her body. "You're telling me that, against your better judgment, you told a man who literally called me a whore that you, my boss, were screwing me on a regular basis?"

"I said you and I were in a relationship. And I did it so he wouldn't say or do anything else!" he claimed.

"No, Harvey, you lied because it's your thing, you play people. You didn't do this to protect me!" she said, taking offense and added, "You did this to protect your almighty ego. Like you said, you had to have it all!" she shouted at him and paused before adding, "No harm no foul at the time, I guess."

She picked up her purse and stared at the double door leading into his living room.

"Yes, I lied. I lied because I couldn't stand the way he spoke of you. And I wanted you in that way so, I got weak and jealous," he said, blocking her escape and tried to cup her face with his hands. But she refused his touch and began pacing again, trying to steer clear of him.

"It's that possessiveness... it's sick! And you've been lying to me this whole time. You and I… we… we'll wear each other out." She caught her breath before adding: "For thirteen years you could... never let go of me and I've never been able to move on." She was on the verge of crying; he could tell. There. She resented him. For one innocent lie. For making her long for him for years. Because he had it all and she had nothing.

"I had no right, I know but I wanted to tell you the truth and then… we moved passed the idea of having a relationship outside of work, so I never told you." he said, trying to hold back his own tears. He had hurt her beyond repair; one huge misstep in thirteen years he had been meaning to come clean about for a long time now.

"And if you've kept that for me for so long than maybe you never deserved me at all," she cried.

"I made a mistake keeping it a secret from you but I thought I would lose you if you knew. You were always too smart to get involved with a jerk like me," he said, blocking her pacing and putting one of his hands on her face and the other on her chest – on her heart.

"I guess you'll never know," she trailed off, averting her eyes from his, feeling suddenly more tired than she had in days.

"I love you. I can't let go of you, Donna. Your hair," he said, sensing she was putting up less resistance. He then tucked a lock of hair behind her ear and continued "your heart," and pressed his palm against her chest. He then searched her eyes and uttered, "your passionate and kind eyes. The way you roll them when I say something stupid and…" he trailed off before he gently began kissing the corner of her mouth. He could almost feel her lean into his lips before she pushed him away again.

"Stop Harvey! You doing or saying all those things to me won't change what you've done. You used me. Do you know how that makes me feel?" she cried out.

"Please, Donna, just… don't," he begged her.

"Take a cab. Or you know what? Take your fancy Ferrari Daytona and own up to the legend, I don't care. I'll tell Ray you'll go straight to the office," she said bitterly, throwing him off balance as her shoulder knocked his when she rushed by him.

Harvey was staring at this suit when he heard the front door being slammed shut. Guess I had me destroy it for us, he thought before he rushed to his closet and tore it apart, and making all the suits that were hung tumble to the floor.

* * *

Donna had gone home to change but didn't have the heart to give her hair a good brush or to apply make-up. Ray hadn't questioned her about Harvey and had been parked outside her apartment for twenty minutes when she came back down.

He got out of the car and opened the door for her. She thanked him as he closed the door.

Back in the driver's seat, he started up the engine and began driving her to Lexington Avenue. He couldn't take his eyes off the redhead's face in the rear view mirror. The line under her eyes redder than usual. He knew she had been crying under that empowering mascara and eyeliner.

"Are you okay, Donna?" he eventually asked, trying to show compassion.

"I'm fine, Ray," she said.

"You know… he's a piece of work," the driver added.

"You tell me," she huffed.

"But his heart is always in the right place," he admitted.

"When it serves him," she countered, staring absentmindedly at the street.

"Well, sometimes, sure," he began and added, "but we all make mistakes, right?"

"He rarely does," she whispered, bitter.

But Ray kept going as if he hadn't heard her: "Once, I drove him home…maybe three months ago. Argh, I shouldn't say this but… he was drunk as shit, rambling on and on about someone, a woman, who told him she wanted more." he paused, selecting his words carefully.

"He asked me: 'Hey, Ray, what's it like to want more?' or was it something along the lines of 'what does it feel like?' I don't remember… but I told him that sometimes I wish I could have a better car, a better mortgage and a better pay," Ray laughed.

Donna was staring at Ray's eyes in the rearview mirror now. "And then he asked me if I had any regrets?"

A background song had built up inside Donna's ears as she waited for his next words. Playing and playing alongside Ray's words, the sound as scratchy as that of an old record. She held her breath when he spoke again.

"I told him I didn't need more from life." he admitted.

"Why?" she asked, adding a lyric to her song.

"You know why!" he said, taking his smartphone from his pocket and showing her the lock screen. There was a picture of Ray's wife and kids.

"Whatever is going on, it's not my place to discuss Mr. Specter's business or love life. But in all the years I've worked for him, I had never seen him so distraught," Ray admitted.

"So what happened after that?" she pressed him for details.

"Nothing, his expression was blank. I just took him home and we never spoke of it again until–" he paused.

"Until?" she begged him to continue.

"Until he asked me to drop off Ms. Agard once," he said and added, "You know I've always liked you Donna?"

She gave him a small smile in appreciation and he continued, "So when I took him home, I allowed myself to ask: 'is she the more you were looking for?' because I knew he would remember what I was referring to; and he said something that tore at my heart… he said he could never have more."

The song her mind had made up ended on a very abrupt distortion sound. He had brought this on himself but her heart ached for him nonetheless.

* * *

Harvey drove his car to the firm and parked it in the underground parking lot. As if fate had decided they were bound to chance meetings, the elevator doors opened onto the ground floor to reveal Donna.

He was watching her intensely as three other people entered the elevator. "Hey," he said, moving to the side to let her in.

"Hey," she said back, getting into the small cabin.

Her song came back on as the elevator started taking them to the higher floors. She was staring at the closed doors but could sense him watching her from the corner of his eye.

The people between them stood as human shields, preventing any other form of communication between the two.

They reached the lobby and she left first. Harvey sighed and blinked a few times before exiting the elevator and following her where she was going anyway: the conference room.

Louis, Mike and Rachel were already there and watched Donna enter the room, quickly followed by Harvey. The beautiful mixed-race woman eyed Donna carefully, casting a questioning glance.

"Let's get on with this. My disbarment starts in two hours," Harvey wasted no time to say and sat down next to Mike.

"Glad to see you're in such a victorious mood," Mike stated, bewildered and added, "witnesses today; decision tomorrow, remember?"

"Okay, mini mock-hearing is on," Rachel said taking control of the meeting, knowing full well that something was off.

"Cute." Louis rolled his eyes.

"We have to prepare you as well, you know?" Harvey said, sending Louis a don't-do-anything-stupid look.

"Trust him, Harvey," Donna cut in.

"Good to know you place your trust in the right kind of people." he said, bitterly.

"What's that sup–" Louis began before Rachel cut him off, shutting everybody up.

"Who wants to go first?" Rachel asked, bringing back a soothing, calming atmosphere to the table. Donna would eventually talk to her but she had no intention of pressing her into doing so yet.

"Who's playing Seidel and Malik?" Donna asked.

"Louis!" Mike smirked.

Harvey's facial expression relaxed when he saw his own hotshot taking the reins.

* * *

The disciplinary hearing was about to begin. The jury consisted of five people including Gibbs and the president – or master of ceremony as Alex Williams had quipped a few times – Seidel. Harvey had driven Mike, Louis and Alex to the Madison Avenue building while Rachel, Donna and Katrina had decided to take a cab. But Ray had been waiting for them outside the Lexington building and had offered them a ride. 'Free of charge,' he had winked at the redhead, suggesting his boss didn't know about this tiny little slip.

On the 26th floor, Craig Seidel began the hearing in the dark wooded assembly room by stating a few facts: "I would like to remind the audience that Mr. Specter has never been convicted of felony therefore isn't subject to automatic disbarment. Only Mr. Malik and Mr. Specter are allowed to ask the witnesses questions. This jury will not put Mr. Malik or Mr. Specter to the stand. Any Evidence presented to this assembly is deemed admissible," Seidel paused, took his glasses in his hands and cleaned them before adding, "I will ask you to act as gentlemen and follow the legal precedents on New York State's disbarment hearings. According to Cohen v. Hurley, privilege against self-incrimination is a valid claim if you wish to use it Mr. Specter. The legal question of the fairness of the coming procedure however, cannot be put forth at this hearing." He put his glasses back on and concluded: "No oral motions allowed; only the jury can decide whether to strike a witness' testimony from the record. Mr. Malik, the first witness is yours."

Anita Gibbs read from the witness list: "I call Gary Douglas to the stand."

Gary Douglas rose from his chair and went to sit next to the jury. Moments later, Malik began his line of questioning.

"Thank you Mr. Douglas, I know your trial began yesterday so this won't take long. Mr. Specter has been your legal councilor for ten years, correct?"

"Yes," the Visionary-Data CEO said.

"And you've been meaning to seek representation elsewhere, haven't you?"

"Yes," Douglas admitted.

"Why? Malik asked.

"I suspected Mr. Specter wanted to tank my case. And that the prosecutor, Sean Cahill is in on it."

"What made you think that?" Malik continued.

"The rumor mill is big in Manhattan. Everybody knows Harvey Spector and Sean Cahill have been exchanging favors for years," The CEO let out.

"No further questions." Malik said and went back to his chair.

Harvey who had remained unfazed stood up and closed the middle button of his suit jacket and asked his first question: "Who is representing you now, Mr. Douglas?"

"Mr. Van Dyke," Douglas answered.

"Is Mr. Van Dyke one of those Manhattan rumor mill members? Is anyone else in this room part of that big friendly group?"

"Maybe." Douglas said.

"Answer the question with yes or no, Mr. Douglas," Gibbs said abruptly.

"Yes and yes," Douglas admitted.

"Please, would you be so kind as to indulge us and give us names besides Mr. Van Dyke's?" Harvey asked.

"Andrew Malik and Anita Gibbs," Douglas replied with a cringe-worthy look on his face.

Seidel stopped Harvey's line of questioning and said: "Mrs. Gibbs, do you wish to strike this from the record, considering you are a member of this jury?"

"No, I accept the incrimination," Anita Gibbs said.

Donna could tell Harvey looked more relaxed. Mike, Louis, Rachel, Katrina and Alex all bore happier looks on their faces.

"Why didn't Mr. Van Dyke suggest a malpractice?" Harvey asked.

"You should ask him. Isn't he a witness too?" Douglas countered.

Harvey shrugged his comment off and asked: "Do you agree with the disbarment procedure that was plotted against me?"

Malik stood up and asked the jury: "The witness cannot be allowed to answer that, Mr. Specter is testifying!"

"No oral motion, Mr. Malik! Mr. Specter has every right to give his personal feelings on the legal action taken against him just like you, yesterday, when you said you would use his personal attack on you as proof of his inability to practice law," Seidel warned Malik and stated, "the witness will answer the question now."

"Yes," The CEO said.

"Why?" Harvey asked.

"Because you're not loyal to your clients and you colluded with him against me," he said, pointing his finger at Cahill. "You were going to cost me my company," Douglas said aggressively and added, "and you deserve what's coming to you."

"No further questions." Harvey said and sat back down on his chair.

Anita Gibbs took the witness list in her hands and said: "Mr. Malik, do you wish to call Mr. Van Dyke to the stand?

"Yes," he said and stood up. Charles Van Dyke went to sit where Douglas stood only a minute ago.

Malik cleared his throat and asked: "Mr. Van Dyke, did you poach Mr. Specter's client?"

"Yes," he admitted.

"Why? Your billings are still relatively high." Malik said, moving about the room.

"Going against Harvey Specter is one of my favorite hobbies, I guess," he admitted with a forced laugh.

"I'll ask Mr. Specter's question then, why not sue him for malpractice at the same time and make more money out of it?"

"The poor fellow is going to get disbarred. Stripping him of his money seemed too low, even for me," he explained.

"Did you suspect Mr. Specter and Mr. Cahill of colluding against Gary Douglas when you first approached him?" Malik asked.

"Yes," he nodded.

"Care to explain?" Malik kept pushing.

"I'm aware of Mr. Cahill's antics and his fake enmity with Mr. Specter. I needed more proof to convince Mr. Douglas that the two men would probably collude against him." Van Dyke explained.

"Did you get that proof?" Malik asked.

"Yes, at Jessica Pearson's mockery of a fundraiser," he said and added, "I saw Sean and Harvey having a pleasant conversation over drinks. I don't think this is really appropriate before trial."

"This is not uncommon though, Mr. Van Dyke," Malik stated. Harvey could tell that this wouldn't help his case against him. "Any more proof?"

"Sadly no," Charles said.

"Your witness," Malik said to Harvey.

"Congratulations on your poaching, Charles." Harvey said.

"Thank you, Harvey." The older man replied, grinning.

"I'd like to enter into evidence this video taken by my associate Katrina Bennett the night of the fundraiser. Katrina stood up and gave the tape to the clerk who began video-projecting it.

The entire conversation between Harvey and Sean played in front of the crowd, leaving a few mouths agape.

"As you can see, Mr. Cahill and I were not colluding. We knew Van Dyke was trying to poach my client and make it seem as though I was colluding with the prosecutor on this case. Mr. Cahill is my friend and he knows Jessica Pearson. If I hadn't invited him to this party, Van Dyke would have had more grounds to suggest a malpractice suit to Mr. Douglas. So, I asked Ms. Bennett here to videotape our conversations just in case. You can see me clearly expressing my concern over the poaching and how, therefore, I chose to stop representing Visionary-Data and its CEO, Mr. Douglas," Harvey commented.

"This is an unequivocal bullshit maneuver! You cannot let this slide," Malik shouted.

"Not that I can hold you in contempt, Mr. Malik but I will ask you to remain seated while Mr. Specter concludes his argument."

"I have nothing more to say." Harvey said.

"Let's take a break. We'll convey again in fifteen minutes," Anita Gibbs said.

The room went from silent to loud in the span of a few seconds. Donna quickly exited the room in order to avoid having to speak to Harvey. She would have to, sooner than later, anyway. Rachel followed quickly after her and said, "Donna, wait. Don't worry we don't have to talk about you and Harvey. Let's just go grab a cup of coffee."

Donna sighed and nodded in agreement – her best friend's intuition always, impeccably, spot on.

"It's almost your moment to shine," she joked and added: "Are you okay?"

"I haven't been so scared in my entire life." Donna admitted.

"I would be too," she admitted and repeated, sighing "I would be too.

In the hall, Cahill gave Harvey a pat on the shoulder and said: "That's one accusation they won't be able to hold against you."

"Yeah," Harvey sighed and added "one dismissed, two to go."

"You can do this, Harvey. I know you have it in you. I have to go back to prepare for court but I've written my own testimony to support your case and legendary character. I gave it to the clerk," he concluded, winking at the other lawyer.

Second time someone had used that adjective. This time it made him smirk. "Thanks Sean," he began and surveyed his surroundings before adding, "and take that SOB down for me, will you?"

Cahill winked at him before exiting the hall.

"Hey, Harvey," he heard Louis call him. "I'm up next. Don't worry, I won't let you down."

"Thanks, Louis. And, I'm sorry about earlier... I've had a shitty day," he acknowledged.

"Does that have anything to do with Donna?" he asked.

"How do you know?" Harvey frowned slightly.

"I'm more intuitive than you might think. But, Harvey," he paused and licked his lips before he added, "Tanner won't come in today, so Malik asked him to write a written testimony which he will read in front of the court–", he corrected himself, "ugh – assembly…"

"And this changes things because…" he asked, confused.

"Donna and I will be the last witnesses to speak today. There is no way you can get disbarred now."

"I wouldn't be so sure of that, Louis," Harvey sighed.

"Have a little faith, Harvey." Louis smiled.

Harvey's phone began to buzz and Louis retreated to where Mike and Katrina were. Smiling at the name of the person calling, Harvey answered with a swipe of his finger and said: "Jessica, so nice of you to show up."

"Harvey! Don't forget not to bring your sunscreen when you come cheering for the Bears. You won't need it," she laughed on the other end.

"I think you got me confused with someone else, I'm a Giants fan – a white man can't switch teams like that," he said.

"Mike just texted me and told me it's going well so far," she said.

"As well as it can," he acknowledged, still doubtful.

"You're Harvey Goddamn Specter, you're indubitably doubtless!" Jessica claimed, trying to cheer her former minion up, and added: "Unless your current state of mind has nothing to do with the disbarment procedure."

"I don't know what I'm doing with Donna," he admitted. "I tried to be honest about my feelings and about something I did in the past that could compromise today's hearing and–" he tried before she cut him off.

"You can have whatever you want with her, Harvey. Because whatever you want, she wants too," she said, omitting the pronoun on purpose. "And if telling her the truth can protect her from Malik's possible accusations then you did the right thing."

"As long as it protects me, right?" he shook his head, hating himself.

"Sometimes protecting someone else means protecting yourself – or was it the other way around?" she said, the ambiguity of her words piercing right through his heart.

* * *

"Before you call Louis Litt to the stand, Ms. Gibbs, I'd like to read Mr. Tanner's written testimony and enter it as evidence of Mr. Specter's professional misdemeanor and propensity to revert back to intimidation and physical assault when things don't go his way," Malik said.

"Please, proceed," Anita Gibbs said.

"Thank you," Malik replied and opened the letter. The man stared at the letter a few good seconds before Craig Seidel asked him: "Is something the matter?"

"No, Mr. Seidel. Sorry!" he said and began reading it. "Since this isn't a trial and considering I cannot be here today, I will make this testimony seem as if I were here today. There is no doubt you can call me Harvey Specter's biggest foe. I'm a Yale educated lawyer who graduated at the top of his class. Mr. Specter and I are about the same age and I'm definitely more handsome than he is," he paused, hearing the audience laugh.

This was definitely Travis's letter, Harvey thought, smirking slightly.

"All joking aside, I'm a senior partner at Smith & Devane capable of humility when one is asked to testify for or against another lawyer. Harvey Specter is a formidable adversary. You get as good as you give. If you consider boxing in a ring worth accusing Mr. Specter of physical assault, I will only say this: you're going against the wrong guy."

Travis Tanner didn't mention his issues with his mother. Travis Tanner did give a shit. One could definitely hate with respect, Harvey thought.

"This testimony isn't really helping your case Mr. Malik, do you still want this entered?" Seidel asked.

"Yes," he said.

"Let's call the next witness then," Anita Gibbs stated.

Louis was about to stand up when Malik said: "I would like to call Mike Ross to the stand."

"He cannot do that! He's not on the accusation's list." Harvey cried out as he rose from his seat.

"Yes, he can, Harvey," Mike said.

Harvey blocked him on his way to the stand and asked "How?"

Mike whispered, "I put my name on yours so it wouldn't look suspicious but I didn't think he would call me considering I wasn't on their list."

Harvey nodded at this friend and let him through. Mike went to sit next to the jury. Harvey put his hands against his face, cursing himself for being so out of the game.

"Mr. Ross…we all know you used to be a fraud and that your former boss Jessica Pearson knew about it. So allow me to go straight to the point and remind you that the committee which stands before you is the one that allowed you to become a full-fledged lawyer," Malik threatened and then added: "Do you deny that Harvey Specter physically assaulted former associate Stephen Huntley?"

"How do you know that?" Mike asked, confused.

"Because I know, Mr. Ross! And I have a sworn testimony from Mr. Huntley who is currently serving two life sentences in prison to prove this happened in the work place," he said, handing the letter to the clerk. "Now answer the question, Mr. Ross."

"I don't deny it but–" Mike began before Malik cut him off.

"Do you deny that Harvey Specter physically assaulted name partner Louis Litt in his office? Malik continued asking.

"Again, you're omitting the context in which those situations happened. The firm knew about it and voted to keep Harvey at the firm and–" Mike tried again but Malik was in a raging mood.

"I don't care about the context. The people in this room have to understand at some point that such behavior can under no circumstances be tolerated from a member of the bar. I have no further questions," he concluded and sat down.

"Mr. Specter," Anita Gibbs said and added, making a hand gesture to indicate he could begin asking him questions, "your witness."

Donna saw Harvey glancing at her. That split second told her Harvey was going to do something stupid, probably something that would make or break his case. "No, Harvey, don't," she muttered to herself.

"Mike, do you remember when I asked you to hit me two years ago?" he asked with a saddened look in his eyes.

"Harvey, why is that relevant to–" he began.

"Answer the damn question, Mike," he almost shouted, banging his fist against the table.

"You asked me to punch you and I wouldn't, so you used everything you had on me to make me do it," he said and paused before adding, "and then I hit you."

"Be honest; tell the jury I intimidated you. Tell the jury I intimated my own associate." Harvey said.

"You knew how frightened I was. You did intimidate me," Mike said, unable to look at his friend. "Why are you doing this, Harvey?" the young attorney couldn't help but ask.

"Why did I make you do it?" he asked, discarding Mike's question.

"Because you didn't want me to give up," he admitted, feeling the weight of that moment. Understanding now how his best friend, and mentor, was feeling right this second.

"I have no more questions." Harvey said.

The room fell silent as if frozen in time. Rachel and Donna hadn't realized they had been holding hands this whole time. Louis understood that he would never be called to the stand. This scene had been riveting for Malik. The man had been given more ammunition than necessary for sure and Louis knew it.

Anita Gibbs stared at the witness still seated to her right and told him, "You can go now, Mr. Ross," and then turned to Andrew Malik, "do you wish to call the defense's last witness, Ms. Paulsen to the stand?"

"How could I not after that?" Malik asked rhetorically, taking pleasure in doing so.

"Mr. Malik, let me remind you that you're still in front of the character and fitness committee. I would suggest you behave accordingly," Seidel threatened and added, motioning for Donna to come and sit beside the jury, "Please, Ms. Paulsen."

"It is 7:30 PM, Mr. Malik, so make it short," Gibbs said.

"I will," he said, eyeing Donna carefully as she sat.

Mike rested the palm of his right hand on Harvey's shoulder. His reassuring grip not reassuring in the slightest, Mike thought. Harvey's mind had been drifting further away until he realized Malik had begun asking Donna about him.

"Ms. Paulsen, hi! Nice dress by the way," he said, giving her a slight look over.

"Careful Mr. Malik," Anita Gibbs said, not letting his remark go unnoticed.

He shrugged it off and asked, clearing his throat: "Do you remember Mr. Specter taking a swing at me the night of the fundraiser?"

"You're so full of yourself, basking in your _I'm king of the hill_ fantasy world, making snide remarks about my dress." Donna snapped at him.

"This has been an exhausting day, for all of us Ms. Paulsen. Don't comment, just answer his questions," Seidel said trying to put her back on the right track.

"Yes, I remember," she answered and added, "because you wanted him to react impulsively."

"I don't understand, Ms. Paulsen," he began, "how come my interference triggered such an outburst?"

"You used inappropriate language, loud enough for him to hear and made assumptions about my relationship with Harvey," she stated, switching her gaze back to Harvey.

"And what is the nature of your relationship with Mr. Specter exactly?"

"I'm in love with him," she said, not giving it a moment's thought. Harvey let out a gasp, with his eyes opened wide.

"That is not what I asked, Ms. Paulsen. I asked what the nature of your relationship with Mr. Specter is," he repeated.

"No, what you want to know is whether I've been having sex with my employer for years which is what started this nonsensical disbarment procedure in the first place," she said, effectively letting him know she knew what Harvey told him all those years ago, and added, "so don't even try to add sexual assault to those bullshit charges."

Mike, Rachel, Louis and the rest of the gang were smiling seeing Donna handle her own and defend their managing partner. Malik didn't seem to like it one bit.

"Okay, you got me, Ms. Paulsen, of course why hadn't I thought of that?" he quipped, opening his vest. He licked his lips and a smile creeped up the corner of his mouth, his white teeth gleaming too bright to signal anything good. "So are you moving in with him? Are you going to start a family with him? Cause from where I stand, you cannot have whatever you want with this man. See, I think he's been bullying you into being with him for years and that is not the kind of situation a woman in her right mind would want to be in."

"He's never bullied me into–" she began but he cut her off.

"Tell me, how long did it take the man you put on a pedestal to give you that promotion?" he asked.

"That manipulative son of a bitch!" Louis mumbled under his breath.

"He never would have gone with sexual harassment. This was about unsettling her," Rachel continued her friend's trail of thoughts. They both looked terrified.

"How is that relevant?" she asked.

"Answer the question, Ms. Paulsen." Seidel said and added, "And you Malik better be going somewhere with this or I'll ask the jury to strike this out."

Malik nodded and Donna eventually answered: "Twelve years. It took twelve years."

"Usually, legal secretaries remain legal secretaries. But you never were that sort of secretary. Yet, if you were that special, why did it take him so long to upgrade you?" he asked.

Upgrade…his insinuation would have driven him over the edge hadn't Mike stopped him from standing up.

"Watch your tone – or vocabulary for that matter, Mr. Malik," Anita Gibbs threatened, glancing at the redhead who was shaking to the bone and finding herself on the verge of tears.

"I'll tell you why. You're just another pawn. One of his dearest; but a pawn nonetheless," he cried out, "This man uses people under false pretenses. Everything becomes personal with him and your reaction, Ms. Paulsen tells me that I'm right. And this, members of the jury, is my closing argument. The defense can have her."

"Well, Mr. Malik–" Seidel began only to be interrupted by Gibbs.

"Mr. Specter, the witness is yours," Anita Gibbs said; the prosecutor was probably unaware of the impact her words would have on the man who was leaving his side of the room.

"Donna… I," he trailed off, "thank you."

He thought about Jessica's earlier words for a moment and ended up asking: "If I may be so bold as to enquire, using Mr. Malik's own words, do you remember when I 'fake-fired' you a few years back?"

"Why bring this up?" she asked, confused.

"Answer however you want to answer that." he said giving her a small smile.

She didn't like that smile. That smile was hiding a heart that sang of sadness.

"I wasn't fake-fired. You had to fire me because I had made a mistake. But you didn't have it in you to do it yourself. So you asked Jessica to do it for you." she explained.

"And I remember telling you she wouldn't let me do it. She not only did it to protect the firm, but she also did it to protect me, because she knew it would hurt me more than anything else. Sometimes… protecting yourself means protecting someone else," he paused, turned around to face the jury and said: "I'll give you my closing argument now if you don't mind, given the circumstances."

"Was your closing argument final, Mr. Malik?" Seidel asked.

To which Malik replied: "Yes, Mr. Seidel."

"Then proceed, Mr. Specter." The president said.

"You were given the power to investigate the charges against me. I hope you will see that I'm just as flawed as anyone else here. I've done horrible things. I have a chip on my shoulder, that's certain. But maybe this is part of the reason why I made it possible for a good man like Mike Ross to become a lawyer. He's the smartest of us all. Maybe this is why Louis Litt ended up becoming one of my closest friends because if you know our history together, you'd know it was a long shot. This man has been trying to become a better man, he's an example to us all." he paused, licking his lips before he switched his gaze to Donna, "But she… she guided me through it all and I failed her. Her grievances against me are valid."

Her teary eyes bore into his soul like a knife in his guts. "Andrew Malik is right about one thing though, she never was that sort of secretary. She's the kindest and most loyal person I know," he ended up saying, never breaking eye contact until he addressed the jury one last time: "You cannot be a good lawyer if you care about people, but over time I've come to learn that you cannot be the best without caring. So, if my inability to control my emotions on several occasions gives you enough cause to disbar me… then do it. But don't use my relationship with my former secretary and Mr. Malik's inherent jealousy as grounds for it."

"Do you have anything _else_ to say regarding the possibility of you getting disbarred, Mr. Specter?" Seidel asked.

"Only that these people are a pretty good summary of who I am as a lawyer." Harvey said, leaning in to give Donna a kiss on the cheek. The woman jolted slightly in response. Startled by the kiss, she looked around her and saw the entire room staring right back at her.

"Very well," Seidel cleared his throat and concluded the hearing by saying, "we'll convey again tomorrow and give this assembly our decision."

"I need some air," Harvey told Donna with a crazed look on his face and added, "Yeah, it'll do me some good."

Donna didn't even have time to stand up that Harvey had stormed out of the room. She tried running after him, taking her heels off but those efforts would be to no avail. He had already taken one of the elevators.

Moments later, Rachel saw Donna outside the building. She was fast approaching when she saw her friend break down in tears. Donna fell on her knees.

"Donna!" Rachel called after her and instantly pulled her into a hug.

"I do want to move in!" she exclaimed between sobs.

"You're not making any sense, Donna. What are you talking about?" Rachel asked, worried.

"I want to be with him, I have to tell him," she said, responding to her friend's embrace.

"Where did he go?" Rachel asked.

"I don't know," she cried in her friend's arms and kept on repeating, "I have to be with him, I have to be with him."

Until there was no point in saying it to a car-filled street anymore. The sound of tires bounced off the city of concrete walls; echoes disappearing into emptying streets. Darkness had settled upon endless traffic lights. Red lights after green lights after stop signs. There were fewer people to count on the sidewalk or crossing the streets of Lower Manhattan. It was better this way. No one would be concerned about a forty-plus year old woman crying in another woman's arms in the middle of the sidewalk. "I have to be with him," she repeated, her voice muffled by the sound of fast cars; until there was no point in saying it at all, for a black Ferrari Daytona had come crashing into a traffic light at a high-speed at the corner of Madison Avenue and 23rd Street.

* * *

 **REVIEW BECAUSE I REALLY NEED TO KNOW WHAT YOU THINK! BE HONEST!**


	15. Chapter 15

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Little suggestion: listen to the song "Whatever you want" by Cold Showers as well as "For Now" by Pink. I listened to those while writing.**

 **Not beta-ed yet. That man went back to having a life...**

 **Hope you like this chapter, please review it. If I can get as many as I got for the last one that would be awesome. Those reviews truly make me want to keep on writing.**

Harvey Spector fired up the engine and got out of the indoor parking lot on the other side of Madison Avenue. He turned the good ol' radio on because his classic sports car didn't have Bluetooth. A car like that didn't need modern technologies. Clutch control instead of automatic transmission. No software; just a regularly equipped car. The driver had to be able to feel the leather seat like a second skin, push the clutch down and clench the gear lever. Take the wheel and enjoy the sound of the engine with just the right amount of volume turned up to a fine tune.

A song with the lyrics _'you can have whatever you want'_ was playing over the radio. Harvey didn't know this song but it soothed him. Of course he was thinking about Donna; about his imminent disbarment. She was in love with him. He was about to lose his license but there was hope for them. All his senses were on alert for her. He felt a pang of guilt for leaving her back there, but the song made him forget his troubles. " _It's everything that you are, deserving all that was mine, it's whatever you want, it's whatever you seek, it's everything that you are, it's everything you believe."_ You can have whatever you want, Harvey thought to himself. Lawyer or not, she could be yours.

Manhattan's uniform grid of streets offered him so many straight lines. She can have whatever she wants of me, he thought. The road ahead, his heart, her heart… everything was set in a straight line. He sped up because he felt lighter than a fallen leaf; feeling the first days of November wind blowing in his face. The fresh air was doing him so much good. He sped up because he wanted to get back to his apartment fast and do something impulsive. He sped up because there still was a chance she would forgive him. He had to act fast. He could have waited an hour; he could have waited a day; but he just didn't care. He wanted to do it now. But he realized he didn't know what kind of endeavor he would take one. Too late. He had sped up to catch the green light. Headlights low beams coming, as bright as the light she represented. Engine; getting brighter; breaks; calling to him. And then it all went dark like the night sky above.

* * *

"Is she all right?" Mike asked Rachel, who was still hushing Donna's sobs. She shook her head no.

"Donna! What is going on?" Louis asked, out of breath, taking her hand in his.

"Where did Harvey go?" Alex asked no one in particular, "He was supposed to give me a ride home."

"Maybe Ray can come pick us up again?" Katrina suggested.

"Donna sent him home after we got here." Rachel said.

The teeth-nose-teeth man suggested Alex and Katrina take a cab.

Louis hailed a cab for them. The blonde-headed thanked him. Alex shook the name partner's hand and told Donna, "He's going to be all right Donna. I'm fairly certain Harvey isn't going to get disbarred."

"I hope you're right, Alex," Donna said.

A yellow cab pulled over as Alex, Katrina waved goodbye.

"We should go, Donna," Rachel said, searching Mike's eyes for support.

"Yes, Donna. Let's take you home," Mike added, trying to hail a taxicab as well.

"No," the redhead said, "take me to Harvey's apartment."

"Okay," the thirty year old man nodded.

Louis helped Donna up and noticed she had hurt her knee.

"I'll be fine, Louis," she said, having regained some of her outstanding composure.

"Got one," Mike said.

They all got in and Donna gave Harvey's address to the driver.

"You don't mind if we go there first?" Donna asked her friends.

"Not in the slightest, it's the closest apartment anyway," Louis said, giving her a small smile.

The driver began to make small talk as soon as he eased his way into traffic.

"I'm going to have to make a little detour to get back on 5th 'cause I just saw a car crash on the corner of Madison and 23rd. The EMTs will be here soon, blocking the road," the driver said.

"Oh my God," Rachel said, her eyes widened and her mouth opened in a shocked 'O' shape. Rachel squeezed her friend's hand to remind her that she was still with her in spirit even though she was chit-chatting with the driver.

"It looks bad," the driver said.

"What happened?" Louis asked.

"I think the guy saw a car that was gonna turn left on Madison. Probably tried to avoid it and ended up crashing into a traffic light in the direction of the park," The taxi driver said. "I think he was way above the speed limit," he added, pursing his lips disapprovingly.

"What kind of car does he have?" Mike asked.

"A Porsche Carrera," he paused, trying to remember the scene, "a cabriolet, I think."

* * *

"Yeah, corner of 23rd, the guy's car is _FUBAR_." Harvey could hear the man's voice. He paused for a second and added, "One victim only. Yeah, hurry up!"

Harvey slowly opened his eyes and was able to put a face to the voice.

"Hey, buddy! Are you all right?" The man said, putting his phone back into his pocket. "Can you speak? What's your name?" he added.

"Harvey…" The lawyer managed to say.

"Argh, I'm no medic but I'm sure I have to talk to you," the man said, skirting around the car "The name's Miguel and I just called 911. They're on their way."

The response times for emergencies are between 4 minutes and 8 minutes, Harvey remembered. It was for a case; a long time ago. He had learned that one had to keep his brain as active as possible when bleeding out. That Miguel guy was right. At least, it didn't look like he was brain damaged. He didn't know if he could move. He wasn't about to try.

"Just don't try to move, buddy and please, stay awake!" Miguel said. Harvey blinked a few times, listened and listened until he couldn't anymore. Things became dark again.

He was awakened by rattling noise and the sound of a fire extinguisher.

He opened his eyes again. Firefighters, cops and an FDNY ambulance with one, no, two paramedics arrived on site. He opened his eyes but didn't know how long it had taken them to reach the scene. Harvey caught snatches of their conversations.

 _No other victims? Just the one? Okay._

 _Clear the road and set up a perimeter._

"Head trauma, signs of bleeding although relatively small. Potential closed-head injury. Primary brain trauma maybe? Pupils are responsive. Sir… Blink if you can hear me." It was a man's voice.

Harvey blinked.

"Do you know where you are, sir?" A woman said.

"Car…" Harvey said.

 _Did the car have airbags?_

"Eyes and speech moderate," the man said.

As he felt the woman's hand against his neck he bobbed it slightly.

 _Those tourists… way too curious. Get them out of here!_

"Whiplash but his spine and reflexes seem okay," the same woman said.

 _Did you witness the accident, sir?_

"BP's low and he's in a state of shock but he is movable, go get the gurney!" the man added.

 _Can a fire break out?_

His vision became blurry again. "Can you move, sir?" Harvey didn't.

 _It's an original 365 GTB 4 spider, I'm not even sure this one has airbags._

Voices mingled and the city lights turned his eyesight into a kaleidoscope.

 _Careful with the windshield or there's gonna be shattered glass everywhere!_

He had woken up to surroundings which made his head ache.

 _Okay, Miguel DeLarosa with a capital L?_

Everything felt like white noise. And it was hurting him more and more.

 _No leak. Radiator grill split in two but I think we're good._

 _Lucky it's a convertible. No need to break... Keep…extingui… close ju… in case._

He heard one of the medics snap their fingers and he realized he couldn't breathe. "Sir, we're going to move you now!" Harvey closed his eyes again. "Sir, sir? He's having a stroke…" And then everything became nothing.

* * *

Rachel gave Donna's hand a slight squeeze when the latter exited the taxicab. "Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Rachel asked with a worried look on her face.

"No, I'll be fine, thank you." Donna said, giving her friend a small smile. "I just hope he's here. Maybe I should have sent him a text before–"

Rachel said, cutting her off: "I'm sure he'll be happy to see you."

Donna whispered underneath her breath: "Hope so."

Donna was greeted by the doorman and asked if he had seen Mr. Specter yet. He shook his head no. She sighed and went straight to the elevator. Another silent elevator ride where anxiety can get to you, she thought. Donna wasn't claustrophobic, but an elevator ride could always lead to a confrontation with the self. The first question that popped into Donna's head was: where the hell could he have gone? He'd run away the second the hearing was over. She wasn't obnoxious or self-centered enough to think this had anything to do with her admitting in front of an entire crowd that she was in love with him. But it hurt just a little to think that he might have left so abruptly because he, in truth, wasn't ready to hear it. She took her keychain and opened the door to his apartment. Empty. No kidding, she thought.

Donna dropped her purse and keys on the island countertop. She folded her coat and put it on a stool. She checked her phone. There were no messages from him. She sent him a text. It took her a minute to figure out what to say to him. She settled for simple and straight to the point.

 _I'm at your place. I love you._

Half an hour passed. No news. She thought about making herself some Chamomile tea. But of course the man only drank coffee with vanilla or Macallan 18. She had created a monster in the morning but loved that he was virulently against American Bourbon. She poured herself a glass of the amber drink. Nothing like a good whisky to forget your day's troubles.

Half an hour later. Still nothing. She was seated on the couch, counting the minutes until he would come home. Home... Had her thoughts and impulse to come to his place implied she felt already at home with him, in his apartment nonetheless?

Her phone started buzzing. The number started with 212, she knew it was the area code for Manhattan but she had no idea who it could be. She answered the call anyway.

"Hello?" she said.

"Ms. Donna Paulsen?" A woman asked.

"This is she," Donna stated.

"I'm calling from New York Presbyterian. I have some bad news. Mr. Specter has been in a car accident."

Donna became overwrought when she heard the news. A piece of news she certainly hadn't expected. She immediately stood up and listened to the woman who was identifying herself as a nurse.

 _Nurse Kelly, here. You are listed as Mr. Harvey Specter's first ICE – emergency contact. Does Mr. Specter suffer from any pre-existing medical conditions?_

Everything became hazy. More pieces of information floated as Donna's state of shock intensified.

 _Is he allergic to penicillin? Or other known allergies?_

A vivid picture of Harvey in his car, bleeding out, came full-blown into her mind. She might have said no thrice.

 _Yes… yes, doctor, I'll ask her._

Nurse Kelly was addressing someone else. The word 'doctor' got Donna's attention. "Does Mr. Specter practice combat sport?"

"Boxing, at least twice a week for the past twenty years," she said quickly.

 _He's a boxer, do you think it might explain… yes… of course, doctor._

 _May I ask the nature of your relationship?_

She may have said his secretary. Not because it felt simpler back then but because it was like a second nature for her; being his go-to-girl, his assistant, his protector…his girl Friday. She didn't know anymore. Professionalism before all for she couldn't allow herself to break down.

 _He's in the ER. Can you contact his family?_

She may have said yes. She picked her stuff up and rushed out of the apartment, phone still in her hands. She hadn't even asked the most important question.

Getting into the elevator, she asked: "How is he?"

"I'm sorry but I can't answer that, you'll have to speak with the doctor," Nurse Kelly explained.

"I'll be right there," She said, hanging up. To her surprise, she hadn't been this stoic in weeks.

Donna reached the elevator, called it and opened her Uber app. Focused on her phone, as if on autopilot, she got into the elevator. She was notified that the black car would be here in 3 minutes. Good, she thought. But then the elevator doors closed on her and her entire being became a different story. It wasn't a Porsche… but a Ferrari. "Oh God, oh God" she burst out crying in anguish. She couldn't breathe. She wanted it all to stop. She began screaming and kicking the door with her hands and gasping for air on her way down.

* * *

The clicking of Donna's heels couldn't have been confused with the beeping sound of heart monitors that echoed throughout the white-walled ER. Her gait was far from the strut people had come to adore and dread. Rushing to the reception, Donna felt disorganized, glancing back and forth between patients in the waiting room; others were being wheeled in or rushed into an OR. He could be one of them. But she didn't have time to stop. A shadow of a former secretary reached the reception desk and asked a man she believed to be a nurse:

"Hello, the hospital called me," Donna trailed off and suddenly paused, feeling her mouth could get her in trouble, "Harvey Specter, he was in a car accident; he was admitted here."

"Give me a minute, I'm going to check his file," The male nurse said, reassuringly and checked his computer.

"Haven't entered his file yet, Jimmy. They rushed him in half an hour ago," Donna heard the woman say and turned around. "Ms. Paulsen? Nurse Kelly, I'm the one who called you," the woman said. Even her gentle smile couldn't hide the concern in her voice.

"Where is he?" Donna asked.

"Mr. Specter is being taken care of at the moment," Nurse Kelly said.

"Please, tell me something… anything," Donna begged the other woman.

"You're not just his secretary, are you?" Nurse Kelly asked.

"No," Donna began and added feeling a lump in her throat, "I'm not."

The nurse sighed and said, "He was in cardiac arrest when they brought him in." Donna's heart skipped more than just a beat at the realization that his had stopped. She brought her hand to her mouth to stop herself from crying.

"But as you know resuscitation worked." Nurse Kelly said and added, "I'm not allowed to say more."

Donna relaxed slightly and listened to the nurse inquiring about his relatives, "You should call his next of kin. Father? Mother? Any brothers and sisters?"

"His mother and brother," Donna acknowledged.

"Go get some coffee at the cafeteria. Don't stay in the ER waiting room, it's not–" the nurse began before Donna cut her off.

"Don't care. I wanna be here when the surgeon comes back." Donna said, abruptly.

"How do you know he's–" the nurse began to ask, struck by Donna's perceptiveness, before the redhead finished the nurse's sentence for her.

"–in surgery?" Donna asked rhetorically and staring blankly at her surroundings, sighed "because it's what I do. I analyze and then I know."

"Somehow, I believe you but I still think you should wait–" the nursed said, bearing a look on her face that told Donna she was having a hard time believing a word she had said.

"Believe what you want but I won't move an inch knowing my man is getting head surgery at this very moment," Donna said, cutting her off one last time and skirted around the nurse and reception desk to go sit in the waiting room.

Donna quickly gathered her thoughts and sent a group message to Mike and Rachel as well as Louis.

 _Harvey had a car accident._

 _I'm in the ER, New York Presbyterian._

 _He's in surgery. It's serious._

The clock read 10:30PM. She didn't have Harvey's mother's number so she called his brother. At least his phone was ringing, Donna thought. He picked up the phone eventually.

"Hello?" he said sounding half-asleep.

"Hi Marcus, it's Donna. Paulsen. I'm sorry to bother you." she said.

"I know who you are Donna, no need to tell me your lastname. Not like I was sleeping or anything," he chuckled.

Donna didn't know how to bring it up.

Marcus kept going: "So, what has my big bro done this time? Please tell me he's coming back to Boston so I can lend him my kids."

"Marcus… he had a car accident," Donna eventually replied.

"Oh my God, how is he?" he asked.

"He's in surgery as we speak," she explained and added, "you have to tell Lily, I just… I don't have her phone number so–" she began, sobbing uncontrollably.

"I'll call her right away," he said and quickly added, "thank God, she's still in Boston, she and Bobby are supposed to go abroad tomorrow."

"Good, thank you, Marcus," Donna said, between sobs.

"Hold on, Donna, he's gonna be, okay, you know that, don't you? Marcus told her, trying to comfort her, "He's a fighter. He's all about winning."

"Hope you can both make it here, soon," was all she managed to say.

"You know he is," Marcus said. She couldn't believe he was doing this, being the one comforting her. To her surprise, he added, swallowing his tears: "And you know why he's going to pull through? Because he has to man up and goddamn ask you out. What am I saying? My brother should marry you on the spot."

"What…" she trailed off. Did Marcus know? No, Harvey hadn't told him, she thought.

"You know he's in love with you, right? I think even mom knows there is a special woman in his life." Marcus said. There was a trace of exasperation in his voice.

"I know," she acknowledged, not getting into details.

"I'll call mom right away. And keep me updated at all times," Marcus concluded.

"Bye, Marcus," Donna concluded as well.

It was past midnight when she came back from the cafeteria with her third cup of coffee. She sat down again, unwilling to sleep, even just for a few minutes. She knew some people were staring at her, at her tall frame, at her dress and heels. Her mascara had more than ran down her face by now. If people thought she was a hooker, she knew she definitely looked the part. She didn't care what she looked like. She would not sleep but she didn't have it in her to answer all the texts she had received. She was tired for everyone else but him. Harvey…

She was dragged out of her thoughts by a male voice.

"Ms. Paulsen?" he asked and she nodded yes, eyes open-wide as she realized the man was wearing a white coat. "I'm Dr. Carson. I'm–"

"Tell me he's alive," she immediately commanded him to say.

"He's alive," he said, nodding his head with a tired smile.

"Oh God…" she trailed off, thinking she might faint. The doctor noticed that and caught her two elbows with each hand.

"Do you need to lie down, Ms. Paulsen?" he asked, doctoring her.

"No, I'm good, it's just everything–" she let go of the breath she didn't know she'd been holding for the past four hours.

"It's a lot to take in, I understand, we're prepping a room for him, you'll be able to see him soon," he said and then asked, completely out of the blue: "Does Mr. Specter punch people for a living?"

"No, he's a lawyer," Donna answered, taken aback but then remembering her conversation with Nurse Kelly.

"Courtrooms will do that to you," he smiled. "Nurse Kelly just told me you seem to understand things rapidly and considering he's a lawyer, I'd rather come clean now than later. You should sit down; this might take more than minute," he suggested.

"Okay," she said, sitting down. He sat down next to her.

"We thought it might be an acute subdural hematoma because of the stroke. The CT scan wasn't coming fast enough. I noticed his wounded knuckles and it hit me that he might throw punches regularly and then that he gets as good as he gives. I figured it wasn't acute but chronic. I drained the chronic subdural hematoma at the thickest point. It was invasive surgery but instead of having to remove a good chunk of his skull, a disc of bone, really, all we had to do was create small holes and then place rubber tubes in them to drain out the blood. We owe you his life…He owes you his life for we would have done an emergency craniotomy instead of burr hole surgery, and his chances of survival would have decreased by 80%."

"So his chances of recovery are good, right?" she half-asked.

"Recovery rates vary but 80 to 90 percent of patients experience significant brain function improvement after this procedure. Besides, he's out of the woods physically. All vitals are good."

"So, what's the problem?" she asked. She could tell he wasn't telling her everything.

"When the medics brought him in, they told us his score on the Glasgow Coma Scale was moderate; he could open his eyes, speak and move on his own. But the stroke was due in part to his low blood pressure and state of shock, but also caused by the blood which had collected between the skull and the surface of the brain. And as I told you, the hematoma was present before the accident."

"Okay," she acknowledged, listening to his every word.

"We had to intubate him. I think we'll be able to extubate him soon, but I'm afraid he could be in a coma," Dr. Carson explained.

"Are you telling me he might not wake up… at all?" she said on the verge of tears, realization that they might never have a life together dawning on her.

"There was no way to prevent SBISO…" he trailed off, noticing her inquisitive look. "Sorry, it was a long night. It means secondary insults to the brain of systemic origin. Therefore the GCS had changed between when the medics arrived and his admission into the ER."

"Which is why you had to act fast," she let out, shaking her head slightly as she closed her eyelids, building the last barrier between her tears and face.

"I'm sorry," he said.

"There is nothing else you could have done," Donna said, understanding perfectly.

"No, there wasn't," he nodded in agreement.

"He's ready. You can go see him if you want. We'll move him to another room tomorrow though," Nurse Kelly cut in, giving the doctor and Donna a small smile.

"I'll leave you now. We'll keep monitoring and treating him for now," Dr. Carson said, standing up to leave, "Go be with him."

"Follow me," Nurse Kelly said. They took the elevator up. They reached the third floor and a room whose number she barely had time to see for the man she had been hoping to see again all night was lying on a hospital bed, a bandage with patches of blood around his head; the tube in his throat attached to a ventilator, with his own heartbeat bouncing off a heart monitor.

"You can go sit next to him if you want," the nurse said standing at the threshold of the room.

"Can I stay the night?" Donna asked, tentatively.

"Of course," the nurse said, nodding her head, "I'll get you a pillow and a blanket."

Nurse Kelly left and closed the door behind her. Donna dropped her things on the table nearby and pulled up a chair and placed it near the bed. She bent over and cupped his cheek with her right hand, feeling his shadowed stubble graze against her fingers. She didn't think she had anymore tears to cry. One of them fell from her eye as she let out a small chuckle and said: "Hey…I'm here."

She sniffed a few times while caressing his cheek. She sat down and entwined her fingers through his. She didn't say anything for a while, too engulfed in his stillness. She just stared at their joined hands, switching it at times to his face.

"Being your secretary is a high-pressure job. Did I ever tell you I quit?" she said, trying to wink at him and forcing a smile but ultimately, failed to do so. She cried herself to sleep that night, never letting go of his hand.

* * *

 **R.E.V.I.E.W find out what it means to me! I'll reply to your ch.14 reviews tomorrow. Thanks again for reading. ;)**


	16. Chapter 16

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **I'll probably regret uploading the fic so soon after writing it but a promise is a promise. I might go check on a few things in the morning to see if there aren't any huge mistakes.**

 **Un-betaed again cause I still don't know what having a life means, apparently. But he does!**

 **Happy Halloween everyone, I hope you like where I'm taking you with this story.**

* * *

Donna was awakened by some strange noise. It wasn't the sound of the respirator. It resembled the sound of a vacuum cleaner. She wasn't sure. But it felt quite relaxing. She opened her eyes slowly and noticed the blanket over her lower body; the one Nurse Kelly must have brought her while she was asleep. And then she saw that she had let Harvey's hand go loose. She figured she was completely awake for the hoovering sound was gone.

She didn't know if she had dreamt or not last night. She woke up knowing exactly where she was however; who she was with and what had happened to him. Donna was going through different stages. Rationality. In all likelihood, Harvey Specter was in a coma. Anger. Bedridden for only God knows how long and by definition, completely deprived of self-awareness. Pain. He would never know she was right beside him. And it was killing her inside, bits by bits. Hatred. Selfish much, Donna? She didn't know how or what to think. Her mind was going circles. Harvey… Her Harvey was lying on a bed, as still as a corpse with a tube down his throat: a breathing dead. But he wasn't brain dead, he wasn't physically dead either. He was just here without being here.

She touched his face and thought about talking to him, shaving him, slapping him, getting him to move somehow and then killing him – she'd come next, anyway. She thought about running away too. She wished she could go back in time; prevent the accident from happening, change their lives for the better or simply get rid of all the hurdles that had come their way. She had never thought about building a time machine when she was a kid, why would she start now? She didn't know whether coma patients dreamt or not but if that were the case – if he was dreaming right now, she wanted nothing but for him to be having a nightmare; one he could wake up in sweat from.

No, she wouldn't let a word out of her mouth now from fear of breaking apart completely. Instead, she thought about that soothing noise again but remembered how she usually hates that sound. Thinking about vacuum cleaners… really, Donna, she thought? Or, how about smashing my own head with it? Positive thoughts indeed, positive thoughts, she kept thinking. You'll go mad if you don't.

She put her heels back on and swiped her phone which she had left on the nightstand to check the time: it read 9:13 AM. Gazillion notifications popped up. And from what she could read, Mike and Rachel were already here.

She went out the door and saw no one hoovering the corridor. She turned her head slightly to the left; she saw Mike and Rachel sitting, hand in hand. Rachel had rested her head on Mike's shoulder. Her eyes were closed but Mike's weren't. He was staring at the white wall on the opposite side.

"Hey," Donna whispered, touching his other shoulder lightly.

He jumped out of his reverie, hurting Rachel's face in the process.

"Ouch!" Rachel cried out, "What's going on–"

"Sorry Rach'," he cut her off and immediately stood up to hug Donna. "We came here as fast as we could last night. We went into the room but you were asleep, didn't wanna wake you."

"How is he?" Rachel asked.

"Doctor said there's a chance he might be in a coma," Donna said, releasing Mike.

"There's a chance he might be or you know he is?" Mike asked dead certain of his friend's upcoming answer.

"His doctor's very likely going to confirm it today," Donna nodded.

"I want to see his doctor right now!" Mike shouted.

"Mike, you heard Donna, he's going to be here soon," Rachel said, trying to soother her fiancé.

"I don't care, I want Harvey to get the best possible care… so his doctor should be here right the hell now… telling us what to do… what to…" Mike trailed off, almost panting. He put a hand to his jawline, scrubbing it against his stubble.

"There's nothing either of us can do, Mike," Donna let out. She knew he was about to cry the moment he sat back down.

"He's got to wake up. He can't just leave us like that…" Tears welled up in Mike's eyes. Rachel soon followed as she sat down next to him.

Donna didn't want to cry or tell him to be strong. Harvey would want them to grow a pair or two. But he wasn't here to do that. She didn't have anyone to comfort her in the way Rachel was comforting Mike at that very moment. There was no point in crying and stripping Mike of his inability to get some closure. She wanted news. Fast. The only possible kind of comfort there was.

"Go see him, I'll be right back," was all she managed to say to them before she turned on her heels and walked down to the nurse's station.

"Hello, is Dr. Carson around?" Donna asked sounding more authoritative than she had intended to.

"He's on a break but he should be back soon," the female nurse said.

Donna heard the clicking sound of a door being opened. It was none other than the neurosurgeon who had operated on Harvey: Dr. Carson.

"Ms. Paulsen…. I knew it was you. Good morning," he said.

"You sleep here when you're on call, Dr. Carson?" she asked, eyeing the small chair in the room and his disheveled look. She cursed herself for sounding so Donna at that moment as if Harvey's condition didn't take up most of her thoughts.

"My wife knows if that's what you're worried about," he joked.

Any other day she would have replied with a quip. Any other day she wouldn't have batted an eyelash at someone's repartee. But this wasn't any other day.

He noticed her surprise and the worried look on her face and immediately cleared his throat. "Sorry, bad habit," he sighed.

She didn't think it was his fault but hers.

Realizing she wasn't about to interrupt him, he added: "I spent some part of the night studying his results. It confirms what I told you last night. He is indeed in a coma. It is unclear to me how long it might last. Because of his prognosis."

"What of it?" she asked, "You said he would live."

"Everything looks good. There is no infection. No encephalitis or meningitis. They are generally the root causes of most long term unconsciousness. His spine didn't have to be immobilized at the accident site; the medics did a very good job. He has a few broken ribs but suffered minimal brain damage and his brain activity is as normal as can be. He can breathe on his own but a coma can mean progressive decline, intermittent crisis and sometimes sudden ones. He could never suffer from secondary brain damage and wake up in a week or six weeks from now, we could set him up in a rehabilitation ward and have him back to being the man that you know in no time," he acknowledged.

"But I suppose this is the best case scenario, the fairytale story you tell the worried next of kin," Donna gulped, dreading what he was about to say.

"I'm not going to lie to you, hadn't he suffered a stroke, I think he would be awake by now despite the surgical intervention on the hematoma. And this leads me to believe he could suffer from blood pressure within the skull, seizures or brain swelling. And therefore extending his stay here… it could go on for months or even years. He could develop those infections I mentioned and they would definitely impair his ability to remember the simplest of things, to learn… to practice law," he finished, probably remembering her telling him he was a lawyer.

Donna's head began to spin, she felt sick. She was hearing bits and pieces of Dr. Carson's intervention.

 _I cannot imagine how hard this must be for you right now. But we're going to take good care of him._

She saw him notice someone else and turn his attention away from her.

 _Oh, hey Gemma! Gemma, can you move Mr. Specter to room 609. Let me know when he's set so we can extubate him. And give Ms. Paulsen all the necessary documents on..._

Her nerves had her stomach twist in knots. She wanted to throw up.

 _Ms. Paulsen?_

But she fainted instead.

* * *

Donna opened her eyes slowly again that day. She took in her surroundings. There was a man wearing a lab coat in front of her. She was lying… on a bed… in a hospital room.

"Ms. Paulsen? How are you feeling?" Dr. Carson asked, "You had me worried for a minute or two, you know?"

"I'm sorry I don't rem–" she tried to say, failing to remember why she was here.

"You fainted–" he began but was cut off by the sound of someone banging at the door. He was looking at one of the nurses pushing aside an almost bald-headed man with broad shoulders. "One of your friends, I assume. He met with your other friends earlier. I assumed he was a lawyer considering he was already trying to sue the hospital even before we told him about you. Trust me, I don't ever want to have the hospital lawyers go against him in court!" the doctor joked.

"Yes, his name's Louis and the chances a corporate lawyer takes on a hospital case are limited," Donna said giving the man a small smile; one she didn't know she had.

He chuckled slightly. "Limited, right. I took the liberty of ordering some tests on you. Think he might sue me?" he quirked an eyebrow.

"Depends on the results, I guess," she paused and added, "which are fine, I'm sure by the way." Donna seemed utterly convinced as she tried to get up.

Dr. Carson was reading the blood work results from a folder in his hand. "You are absolutely fine," he said and showed her the results and pointed at one particular line and added, "except for this small hormone here."

"What's chorionic gonadotropin?" she read out loud with a quizzical brow.

"See Ms. Paulsen, there is one thing I know that you don't know," he said. "You are fine. But you fainted because you're not fine enough for two."

"Am I–" she began.

"Yes. Ms. Paulsen, you're pregnant." Dr. Carson nodded and paused, giving her a moment to recover from the news.

She was stunned. She hadn't expected this to happen in a million years. She knew they had had unprotected sex but she thought she was too old for this. Her period... She wasn't due for another week. She couldn't have known.

"Am I right to assume it is Mr. Specter's?" he asked, seeing her going through different stages with her eyes acting as a window to her soul.

"I'll take your erratic eye movement and lack of answer as a yes," he said and continued, professional to the end, "will it be your first child?"

She didn't look as weary, her initial shock having worn off but her entire body felt rigid. She nodded yes.

"Then I have to warn you. Even though everything about your blood work tells me you're in perfect health, having a child at your age is a risky endeavor; you need to take extra good care of yourself, monitor your pregnancy actively or you may lose the baby. Stress is a key factor here. And considering Mr. Specter's condition, I advise you to… well I can't advise anything, this is unprecedented for me," Dr. Carson took his glasses off, rubbed his eyes a little and put them back on before saying: "I'm sorry, Donna. May I call you Donna? You can call me William, if you want."

"Sure, William," she said and noticed she had been caressing her belly absentmindedly.

"This is going to be hard for you, seeing him like this. Not only does coma put a big strain on someone's immediate family and friends but for someone who's carrying that person's child, it must be ten times worse," he explained.

"What are you saying?" she asked.

"What I'm trying to say is that you cannot be near Mr. Specter while you're pregnant," he said.

"But what if he wakes up?" she asked.

"That is the main issue. What if you think he might when he clearly won't," he explained and added, "someone who's in a coma may exhibit movement, make sounds, and experience agitation. It is important to keep in mind that the coma patient may exhibit reflex activities. You may end up believing he'll wake up because of a sound he made, a twitch… anything, really, will give you cause to hope and then cause for concern. Ergo, stress."

"All you've been saying is he's never going to wake up! Well, did anyone ever tell you your bedside manners suck? That maybe people just don't want to hear that and actually want to believe the person they love is going to wake up!" She was angry now.

"Donna–" he began but she cut him off.

"Don't you dare Donna me!" she let out. That sentence meant so much more to her. The way he'd said her name. Just like Harvey had one too many times. She noticed how taken aback he was by her remark. And then it hit her… the vacuum sound. It wasn't that. It was the kind of sound Harvey made when he was asleep. A sound, a reflex… agitation even. She felt her heart break, shattering into a million lost moments that would never come into existence. A baby, his baby and a life together. She burst out crying, suddenly. William Carson dropped his folder and took both her hands in his.

"Oh God...He did exactly what you said. And now it's–" she stopped herself from saying more. She picked up the phone from the bedside table next to her and threw it on the floor.

"Donna, it's okay to feel this way…" he tentatively said but it didn't seem to upset her anymore. He then added: "And you're right, just because a person in a coma doesn't exhibit reactivity or perceptivity doesn't mean you have to give up on them,"

"I can't give up on him, William," she said, sniffing.

"Good… that's good," he acknowledged. "But you have to understand that being near him, every day for as long as he's in a coma will put you, and therefore, your baby at risk."

"I care about him more than I care about that baby, you know," she countered.

"No, you don't. Exhaustion, depression. You don't mean what you're saying, I'm no shrink but I'm fairly certain you're trying to tell yourself this is all just a bad dream," he explained and added, "and this is just day one. What do you think weeks or months will do to you?"

"Please, just leave me alone," she said, staring at her hands.

"Donna, you need to think this through," he said, trying to put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"Get out," she said.

"Ms. Paulsen," he changed his tone. She noticed how he was reverting to his physician stance, probably trying to give himself more power over her. She didn't want to hear it. She couldn't stay away from Harvey. Period.

"I said GET OUT," she lashed out. He closed his eyes and sighed before he left.

* * *

Someone knocked on the door but she didn't answer. The person who had knocked came in anyway.

 _Ms. Paulsen, you still need some rest therefore Dr. Carson told me not to give you the discharge paper until tonight. But you will be able to go home._

"I don't want to go home," she said, staring absentmindedly at the darkened wall on the other side of the room. The nurse wasn't in her field of view and it didn't bother her at all.

 _Should I tell your friends they can come and see you too?_

"I don't want to see anyone. Tell them to go home," she said in the same manner.

 _Well, if you ever change your mind… Mr. Specter is now in room 609, we took him off the ventilator. He's breathing perfectly fine on his own._

The nurse's words carried too much meaning. Meaning, she and the vision she had of the embryo inside of her could not face at this very moment.

* * *

Louis came up to Dr. Carson near the nurse's station and said: "Doctor, there better be some reason as to why our friend doesn't want to see us."

"Calm down!" said Mike who had been following him.

"No, I'm not gonna calm the hell down. What did you say to her?" Louis shouted.

"Sir, this is a difficult situation for Ms. Paulsen. She's tired and I'm not at liberty to tell you why she was admitted. But I assure you, she's physically fine. She just needs some rest. She'll be able to go home tonight," the doctor assured them.

"I'll stay here and bring her home tonight… I suppose she won't want to…" Rachel trailed off, trying to find meaning in the doctor's words which meant that the Harvey problem wasn't the only problem on her friend's mind. She was sure of that.

"Did you go see Mr. Specter, Louis?" the doctor asked.

"How do you know my name?" Louis asked, pursing his lips.

"Well aside from the fact that you've been suing my entire service for the past two hours emphasizing just a tiny bit on the fact that your name is Louis Litt, I'll have you know Ms. Paulsen told me your name when I came into her room earlier," he offered the man a small smile.

"I'm not going to sue…I meant no disrespect, it's just that he's in that room, not moving…and aside from the bandage around his head and the tubes in his veins, he looks fine…" Louis trailed off as well, feeling ashamed and troubled as regards his best friend's condition.

"I know, Louis," the doctor acknowledged, "Just give her time she'll see you when she's ready." Mike gave him a pat on the shoulder as well, having no new words to comfort his friend.

"Rachel, I'm going to go back to the office with Louis. Let the associates and… I guess, let the committee know about Harvey's condition and–" Mike began but was suddenly cut off by the sound of clicking on the floor, spaced out in a way that implied a strong, slender and fierce gait.

"And make Louis interim managing partner until Harvey wakes up," the woman said.

The nurses were in awe, staring at a tall dark-skinned woman whose name they soon discovered was none other than Jessica.

"Jessica! I didn't know if you got my text," Rachel said, rushing to her side and added: "Did you see him?"

"I did…" the older woman said, desperation in her voice as she took the younger one's hands in hers, squeezing them gently.

"I can't be managing partner, Jessica," Louis stated matter-of-factly.

"Yes you are," she let out and added, offering him a soft look, "until Harvey comes back to bite you in the ass and let you know how angry he is that you once again went behind his back."

"I agree with Jessica," Mike added.

"We're behind you a hundred percent, Louis," Rachel nodded.

"Now go set a meeting with the board and do what Harvey would want you to do," Jessica said, cementing her will to see her other protégée take care of her former baby.

"Let's go, Louis," Mike said, giving Rachel a quick kiss on the mouth.

"You let us know the second Donna wants to see us," Louis said as he was being led outside through the corridor by Mike.

"We will," Jessica nodded, before turning to face Rachel and say: "Now let's get to the bottom of this." It immediately hit Rachel – in lawyerlike terms nonetheless – that Jessica meant Donna's sudden wrongful dismissal of her friends.

"Jessica, she said she doesn't want to see us…" Rachel tried to say but failing to stop her former boss from walking through the corridor in the direction of Donna's room. Jessica almost barged in, completely unannounced until she saw Donna and the way her she was caressing her stomach aimlessly.

"Oh no," Jessica let out, releasing her grip on the doorknob.

"What?" Rachel said.

"I think… it's not my place to say…" Jessica trailed off. Rachel had rarely seen the woman like that and added, "Look."

Rachel did as she was told and did what she hadn't done yet. She gazed at her friend through the half glass door. It only took her a second to understand but she had rather bet safe than sorry later on for thinking something that wasn't even true. "She could be suffering from stomach aches," she said, unconvinced.

"That's not the face of a woman in pain because of stomach aches, Rachel," Jessica retorted.

"I know Jessica…" Rachel began and sighed as she added, "that's the face of my best friend having a baby on her own."

They both turned around and walked away knowing full well their favorite redhead would need all the support she could get but that she would want none.

* * *

609\. It wasn't her idea. Her hospital slippers had dragged her there. She needed to keep him close to her. She couldn't let the memory of him, of them go to waste. That baby was clinging to her belly, to the ruins of something that had been broken so many times. A life he might never wake up to. A dream state he might not wake up from. How can you fix something with something that might never see the light of day? A baby, their baby… him or the baby, she would choose him over that baby any day. The way she felt made her feel worthless, evil beyond the evilest things on Earth. She could not not be near him, every day, for the next two days, five months, and six years and twenty goddamn minutes of hell it had taken her to get out of her own hospital room and join his.

She opened the door to Harvey's bedroom without looking through the glass. She stumbled upon a woman, kneeled in front of Harvey's bed as if she were praying. There was no doubt as to who the woman was; she held his hands in a way only a mother could.

"Lily?" Donna asked from the threshold of the door.

"Yes," the older woman admitted, not taking her eyes off her son before asking, out of the blue, "Donna, is it?"

"Yes," Donna said and asked, taken aback, "How do you–"

"Marcus told me you might drop by and a nurse wouldn't have called me Lily…" she said, finally standing up and turning around to face her.

"I'm so sorry…" Donna let out. But Lily's next reply wasn't one she could have anticipated.

"Has anyone ever told you your hair is gorgeous? That color…" Lily said and shook her head in disbelief, "I'm sorry I never thought I would meet you under such circumstances."

"It's okay…" Donna trailed off, "We don't have to do small talk."

"My son… is he ever going to wake up?" Lily said with a face too red to tell whether the tears were old or new ones.

"I don't know," Donna said as she began to cry as well, unable to hold it together anymore.

They stood like that for a little while, not really talking and yet saying so much to each other at the same time. Donna knew that Lily understood to some degree what she meant to her son. She was his special someone. Donna didn't feel like telling Lily about her pregnancy. Too soon. And to early to tell anyone anyway.

Minutes, maybe an hour or more during which Donna watched Harvey's mother hold his right hand while she held his other one, touching his ring finger lightly.

"How long?" Lily asked.

Donna didn't need a calculator to do the math and understand that the woman wanted to know how long she and her son had been lovers. "Not long," Donna stated.

"How long?" The older woman asked again, putting more emphasis on her words.

"Thirteen years," Donna admitted.

Still touching his ring finger, she realized she didn't need him to wear a ring to know he was hers.

"Why are you wearing a hospital gown by the way?" Lily eventually asked.

"Took you that long to notice," Donna quipped.

"I did notice, I just didn't think it was the right time to bring it up," Lily shrugged.

"I fainted," Donna said, leaving out the part about carrying the woman's next grandchild.

There was a knock on the door. Donna tilted her head back to see who it was. Rachel opened the door and said: "Hey."

"Hello," Lily said, turning around in her chair and stared at the woman coming into the room.

"Rachel. I'm one of Harvey's associates," she said extending her hand to the other woman.

"Nice to meet you." Lily accepted her hand.

"The doctor said you can go home now, Donna," Rachel stated, "I've come to pick you up."

"I'm just going home to change, Rachel. I'll sleep here again tonight," Donna explained.

"Okay," Rachel said, uncertainty written on her face as she continued, "but the doctor said it would be best–"

Donna cut her off: "I don't care what Dr. Carson says, he's a neurosurgeon, not a…" but stopped herself from revealing a piece of information she wanted to keep to herself. "I'll see you later, Lily." Donna sighed as she rose up from her chair, letting go of Harvey's hand.

"I'm staying at a hotel with Marcus, the Novotel, I think," Lily said. Donna understood why Lily sought to distance herself from the pain. It was easier, she thought. But she carried a load as heavy as the dead weight she had no intention of leaving tonight.

"Good, then I'll see you tomorrow," Donna said and noticed Lily standing up. What she did next surprised Donna. She pulled her into a hug and whispered: "Thank you for loving him."

Donna nodded, tears forming again in her eyes as she exited the room.

"Okay, let's go," Donna said and was about to lead the way when she head Rachel repeat the exact same thing she had said a minute ago.

"I really think you should get some proper rest, Donna," Rachel attempted to say, knowing full well she would get into dangerous territory with her friend.

"Listen Rach', are you taking me for a fool? I know you know. Just I'm pregnant doesn't mean I'm going to change my mind about this," she let out and paused, trying to catch her breath. "You have no right to judge me," she added.

"I'm not judging you, Donna," Rachel said, trying not to sound as if she were countering her friend, "I just want you to take better care of yourself."

"She's right, Donna," Jessica intervened. Donna realized the woman had been standing behind her this entire time.

Donna turned around and said: "Is this an intervention?"

"Harvey wouldn't want you to overexert yourself like this; he would want you to fight for him by thinking about you and this baby first," Jessica explained.

"That doesn't mean shit! The man I love might wake up tomorrow or NEVER and you want me to think about moving on?" Donna said, hurt and angry.

"I understand this situation is unbearable," Jessica acknowledged before she added, "but you need us to support you, to help you and your baby get through this unharmed. It's Harvey's baby too, Donna. And no matter what we do, not a day will go by that you won't think of him. The question is, are you capable of loving this baby enough to let Harvey take a step back in your life?"

"That baby is the only thing I have left of him, I can't lose it. But I can't fight the memory of Harvey and how I need to be with him. He needs me… he has to come back to me. I have to talk to him, remind him that I'm here," Donna explained.

"You're not the one who's going to wake him up, Donna," Rachel who had remained silent until now said. "You have to keep on living your life–"

"What kind of a life is that? I don't want it," Donna lashed out on Rachel.

"Donna, please just try to see the bigger picture here, you won't be leaving him by staying away." Jessica said, trying to soothe the redhead before warning her, "but if you stick around, you'll lose your mind, because, let's be honest here, who wouldn't in a situation like this?"

"Please go back to doing whatever you were doing before you came in here. I have some discharged papers to sign; I haven't lost it completely yet and I'm still capable of doing that by myself." Donna said, ending the conversation completely.

* * *

Days turned into weeks. Visitors came and went. Mother and brother cried. Friends cried too.

Louis became active managing partner by a unanimous vote. He put Mike in charge of Harvey's clients. He maintained Donna on a relatively small payroll even though the COO was nowhere to be seen. Louis vouched for his former secretary more than once in front of the board members, letting them know how important she was to the firm and that letting her go would be a mistake.

The disciplinary committee's decision regarding Harvey had been made but was put on hold indefinitely. No one knew whether the man in a coma was still an attorney or not. Would he ever be able to be one again, anyway? That was something that wasn't on Jessica's mind. Deep down, she held the firm belief that if her protégé ever came back from the land of sleeping beauties as she liked to joke every once in a while, he would remain the best closer her former city had ever known. Donna was often on her mind; the Chicago lawyer had apologized to her former employee. She admired Donna's courage and had made it clear she was only trying to protect her. Donna knew, but her hopes of bringing Harvey back to her were stronger than any rational argument the lawyer whom she thought commanded respect, could put forth. For that matter, their phone calls were always short – mainly focusing on Harvey's lack of improvement.

Friends drank Macallan 18 every week; they didn't know whether they were having toasts in his honor or preparing upcoming eulogies.

Donna was in room 609 every single day. She hadn't told Mike or Louis about being pregnant. She had been taking care of herself as good as any pregnant woman could. She even put on a few pounds. Rachel had made peace with the fact that she couldn't change her friend's mind but she vowed that she would be damned if she didn't support her all the way through it.

Dr. Carson had been following Donna's pregnancy from afar; talking to her OBGYN. He was glad she was putting herself first, at least physically. Harvey's mother didn't know about her pregnancy either; she felt it was better that way. She would owe them an explanation someday; she knew it.

She read him stories or listened to Mike tell him about some of his days at the office. She only shaved his growing stubble a few times because his facial hair had grown on her. Sometimes, she would hold Harvey's hand so that it would rest on her belly. She would sleep next to him, freeing a spot beside him with the help of Nurse Kelly. She kissed him every night on the lips. He didn't always smell good but it didn't bother her.

She had coffee with his mother on a regular basis the first week and had kept her up-to-date on his condition when she had to go back to Boston. In the meantime, Donna had informed herself on coma and coma patients' recovery.

She read that the majority of people who have survived a coma for less than one month could have "satisfactory recoveries" and a good prognosis after brain injury. Past a month, the survivor could be profoundly disabled. Beyond two months, the statistical certainty was that normal adult functioning could never be regained.

Dr. Carson had explained that to her in detail, never taking her for a fool. "20% of coma patients still defy the odds, something even the most modern of epidemiological researchers cannot explain. Miracles are nice things to hope for but, that's it. It's all about hoping. If you choose to use that 20% error rate as basis to sustain the love, hope and energy necessary to get through this second month, then by all means do so."

Six weeks into her pregnancy – four weeks after Harvey's accident, she began to feel lonelier than she had ever felt in her entire life; worse than when their relationship was in a no zone-at-all. She couldn't take the sight of him; being fed nutrients and liquids through his veins. She shouted more than once, urging him to wake up, shaking him until her own limbs became numb or hurt.

Mike and Rachel were with her for the eight-week ultrasound. The heartbeat was strong. Joy enwrapped them all, taking over the ever-present sadness of their lives. Donna felt her baby's heartbeat as if it were his, thumping in her chest, pumping blood in her veins.

Screaming louder and louder in agony until the walls couldn't muffle the sound of her cries anymore. She fell apart in Dr. Carson's arms more than she could count. Her visits became less frequent until she began not coming at all for seven weeks later for him and nine weeks later for her, she suffered a miscarriage. No more heartbeat. She had informed Louis she wouldn't come back to the firm yet. She needed to get away. Only Rachel knew where she had gone.

Days turned into weeks. Situations evolved; others didn't. Donna cried. Donna lost.

Seven weeks in, a dead weight's eyes shot open.

* * *

 **Again, don't hesitate to review. The more the merrier. ;)**


	17. Chapter 17

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Going back to work tomorrow so I'm uploading this one now. Probably gonna regret doing it so late (mistakes / unbetaed etc.) but here it is anyway. Please review the hell out of it if you want the next one tomorrow or at the very least on Tuesday.**

* * *

Sound or lack of it was the first thing that had made him become self-aware again. It made him aware that his eyes weren't opened yet. Consciousness: the idea of being something and then, someone. To exist outside the confines of his soul and far beyond his eyelids, he let the pain from the light slowly set in. Black, white and then close to that movie color; sepia was it? It took him some time to adjust to the idea that he was at the center of it all. It took time for his now-defined surroundings to subdue the light. Forms were taking longer than light; he had knowledge but he just couldn't grasp it entirely yet. Where am I? It was the first question that popped into his head. He identified the place as a room and under him something soft but he couldn't put a word on it. It bothered him, frightened him even. But the question was: Who am I? He didn't know how long he had been adjusting to the light for. A silhouette that he soon identified as a man came into the room with a tray. The man came in full view progressively as he closed the door, standing under the soft white light of the room he was in.

 _Hello Hot-Shot!_

He remembered greetings, how normal it felt. He thought himself frowning at the man because he wasn't staring back at him.

 _Bossy-Litt gave me the morning off. How are you this fine morning?_

Bossy-Lit? Who was that? He didn't know if he could reply. He wanted to speak but he felt tired and his mouth felt heavy and dry.

 _I'm sorry but I'm going to be the one shaving you again this morning. I sure hope she will be back soon because I'm far too good a lawyer to become a barber._

The remark on shaving his beard should have made him feel self-conscious hadn't the man said 'she' in such a non-enigmatic way. It felt familiar. Close to his chest. To his heart.

 _Donna, I mean._

Donna… there. The color red popped into his mind. His eyes flickered while the opaque image of a faceless redhead settled into his head, transparent against a glass-like field of view.

"Dooaaa…" he tried to say, trailing off.

A thudding sound resonated in the bedroom. The man had dropped his tray and turned his entire face and gaze to him. He hadn't recognized his voice at first but the man standing in front of him was Mike.

"Oh my God, you're awake… Harvey… wait… I… I have to go and get the doctor," Mike said, ready to touch his friend on the shoulder but refrained from doing so, from fear of breaking him.

Harvey watched the chest-nut brown man storm out of the room faster than a speeding bullet.

Fantastic. What was so fantastic about it? He felt weak but his muscles seemed tight. Why couldn't he shave his stubble himself? Why was Mike here? Why was he the one to do it? Why had Donna done it? He moved his hand to his face with some difficulty but felt hair longer than a mere stubble. It felt more like a beard. He began to sweat and felt his heart racing. Questions flooded his brain. How long had been asleep exactly? It only felt like a good night of sleep, really. Except for the fact that his limbs felt numb and his mouth was all too dry. Why? Too many why-s. He couldn't formulate those questions.

A woman… who looked like a nurse came rushing in. Was this a hospital? He noticed she was checking something on the monitor next to him. A monitor? Definitely a clinic or a hospital. What happened to me? He thought. She was on the phone.

 _Yes, doctor, I told him to wait outside for now and not to contact anyone. Yes… BP's fine… Don't worry; I'm trained for this… How soon can you be here? Okay._

She moved to his side, sat down and took his hand in a comforting way.

"Hello, my name's Sam. I'm here to ask you a few questions." The woman said, making contact. "What is your name, sir?" she asked. Something really awful must have happened for her to follow some strange protocol, he thought.

First, why was she asking him his name? There were things he didn't know for sure, things that frightened him beyond recognition but he was certain of one thing:

"Migh neiim is Aarve... Spectuur," he realized that everything sounded good in his head, but that phonetically, it must have sounded weird, as if he had lost the ability to speak properly.

"That's good." The nurse smiled at him before adding: "I'm sure you'll be able to speak better but don't tire yourself too much, okay."

"Okeii…" he said.

"Don't worry Mr. Specter. You are weaker due to muscle wastage. It'll get better soon. Do you know where you are?" she asked.

He swallowed before answering with the safest word there was: "OsPitall," The word's stress pattern had been altered slightly in the process.

"What do you do for a living Mr. Specter?" she asked.

Even though everything worked a lot better in his head, he was certain of two things that sounded like words he had pronounced more times than anything else. It gave him comfort even though all the implications they entailed hadn't reached him fully yet. His name was Harvey Specter, and he still was the best damn closer this city had ever seen, he thought, staring deeply into the nurse's eyes. He took his time to let it straight out.

"Lawyer," he said.

The nurse's smile went so wide that her teeth showed.

* * *

"Hello, Ms. Pearson, is it?" Nurse Kelly asked.

"This is she," Jessica answered over the phone.

"NYP hospital calling. I'm sorry to bother you but you are still listed as Mr. Specter's second emergency contact and," Nurse Kelly began but Jessica cut her off before she could continue.

"What happened to him?" Jessica asked, suddenly frightened.

"He just woke up," the woman admitted.

"How is he?" Jessica asked instinctively.

"I'm not at liberty to say, I'm sorry," the nurse explained.

"Of course," she said, even though it displeased her entirely. "Don't you have his mother's number or Ms. Paulsen's?" Jessica asked, calmer.

"Well that's the thing… his mother left two days ago. She told us she was going abroad for at least two weeks with her other son and family, couldn't blame the woman really considering there was no sign of improvement. It was actually Dr. Carson's idea…" the nurse was trailing off therefore Jessica stopped her.

"What about Ms. Paulsen?" Jessica asked.

"We did but she isn't answering her phone. We haven't heard from her in days. Mr. Ross was the one who found out he had woken up. We had to follow protocol and tell him not to contact anyone yet–" Nurse Kelly asked.

"Just let him know that you contacted me." Jessica pondered on what she would say next and added, "You did the right thing by calling me. I will let his friends know. Don't bother his mother, she needs the rest. I'll try to get in touch with Ms. Paulsen."

The nurse cleared her throat and added: "I'm also calling because we need you to approve the rehabilitation center we are sending him to, I know Mr. Specter's health insurance covers it but we are legally bound to inform the family or the person's ICE in case family members aren't around." She paused and added, trailing off, "and since you're the only person we could contact…"

"I just want him to get the best possible care. Where are you sending him?" Jessica asked.

"The Upper East Side Rehabilitation and Nursing Center," Nurse Kelly said.

* * *

"They've been in there for ten minutes! Can I please go see him already?" Mike asked one of the male nurses at the nurses' station.

"Not yet, Mr. Ross," Nurse Kelly came rushing in and added, "Dr. Carson needs to see him first."

"Why is that other nurse with him then?" Mike asked, trying to make sense of it all.

"Because Dr. Carson hasn't arrived yet, therefore the nurse who's in there with him, Samantha, is assessing his first cognitive responses and then–" she said before being cut off by a strong male voice, behind Mike which took them all by surprise.

"That's when I come in," Dr. Carson said with a bright smile.

Dr. Carson was putting his lab coat on as he headed for door 609. He knocked on it, signaling to the nurse inside to step outside.

The nurse handed him a chart which took him half a minute to read. Mike overheard them mention something about Harvey's name, profession and his general awareness.

"Okay, I'll take it from here, Sam, thank you," he said and added "Mr. Ross, I know you have visitation privileges but I'm obligated to ask you not to use them until further notice."

"What? Why?" Mike asked, dumbfounded.

"Only for a short time so that we can assess his physical and cognitive responses completely." He paused to assess the impact his words had on Mr. Specter's friend. He then added: "Could be tomorrow or the day after but I think we'll have him moved by then, isn't it right, Kelly?"

"Yes, Ms. Pearson approved the rehabilitation facility. I will give you all the information, Mr. Ross, don't worry," Nurse Kelly acknowledged.

"We're going to take good care of him," Dr. Carson assured, giving Mike a pat on the back. He put the chart under his arm and entered the room.

"Come with me, Mr. Ross," Nurse Kelly motioned for him to follow her back to the nurses' station.

* * *

"Mr. Specter! I know you're not the kind of man who likes being bullshitted with introductions," the doctor who came into the room startled Harvey.

The man in the lab coat went to stand beside him, bent over slightly and raised a finger in front of his eyes and asked: "Follow my finger, Mr. Specter."

Harvey had no problem doing what he was told.

"Good." The doctor said.

"My name's Dr. Carson and I'm a huge fan of yours," he said.

Harvey frowned not really expecting that from a doctor.

"You're a fighter Mr. Specter and I like that." He said emphasizing on fighter to play on his memories and recollection of past events.

"I like fightin… widh glofes," Harvey admitted and added, sensing his speech was getting better, "boxing."

"Yes! That's it!" Dr. Carson said, a bit too over the top for his own taste but it had to done. He then added as he sat on the chair beside the bed, "Harvey, mind if I call you Harvey?"

Harvey shook his head no.

"Harvey, do you remember what happened to you?" The doctor asked.

There. It felt so sudden. The recollection he had needed since he woke up. But nothing came. It was all blank. A vast empty memory he couldn't fill. That memory was a movie without image or sound that resembled a VHS blue screen with the play symbol on its top-left-hand corner. No motion but that of the color blue adjusting to the screen.

"You were in a car accident. You suffered a stroke; the medics had to give you CPR. You woke up but we had to intubate you. Soon after we saw blood in your brain and diagnosed a subdural hematoma that we managed to remove but everything you went through still put you into a coma." Dr. Carson explained, remaining serene until he was done. He could feel Harvey's frightening stare, he was like a patient before surgery or already on the table. The kind he never was for he was out when they had operated on him. He had to keep his heartbeat as low as possible, therefore he broached an alternative topic, "But your car though…"

"What about da car?" Harvey asked, in one swift utterance.

"A beautiful wreck. I wish I were a mechanic sometimes… I might have been able to save her," Dr. Carson answered with a small smile.

Harvey's facial expression softened and it seemed he had almost chuckled. "How long wazI…?" he said, searching for his word while lifting his arm to signal some sort of passing of time.

"Out? Well, you could still be… you could be hallucinating," Dr. Carson finished, eyeing his patient suspiciously. "Who do you see in front of you right now?"

"A man I wan…na sue fo bullshit," Harvey said. Dr. Carson chuckled.

"Now that I'm certain you're not hallucinating the Cold War, I feel relieved," Dr. Carson admitted.

Now onto the harsh answer, Dr. Carson thought, taking a deep breath. "Before I let you know that, remember that coma patients sometimes never wake up or that comas sometimes last months, years and decades even." He paused before adding, exhaling slightly, "Harvey, you were out for about seven weeks."

"Okay…" Harvey said, thinking about that timeframe and what might have been going on behind the scenes of his slumber act.

Dr. Carson was surprised his patient was taking it so well. He was deeply impressed with the man in front of him and so he continued, "Some of the personnel here call you a survivor Mr. Specter. I don't agree with them because, first of all, the car crash didn't cause the stroke but also because no one died that day. You killed no one and that is the very definition of being a survivor amongst the ones who've died. I say you're a fighter because you made a mistake and died for about thirty seconds because of that mistake. But you woke up and fought till your body said no more."

"Going too fast?" Harvey asked, some of the events leading to the car crash coming back to him.

Dr. Carson nodded and added, "Yes, but you chose to live."

"Why was I going so fast?" Harvey asked, feeling his tongue loosen.

"That is something you'll have to figure out on your own. Your friends will surely help you get there. You need to remember that for the fights ahead," Dr. Carson explained.

"What do you mean?" Harvey asked, his mind trailing off to his friends, names easier to process than faces for some strange reasons.

"You never suffered a traumatic brain injury because of the car crash. I realized the stroke was the result of a chronic subdural hematoma inflicted over time because of boxing as well as stress. Your body simply said stop. Sometimes the brain works in ways we cannot understand."

"You… saying… I… did… this to myself? Harvey asked.

"God the way you're still analyzing situations, amazing…" the doctor trailed off but stopped giving himself a pat on the back for a second and added, "No, what I mean is that you might have been under a lot of pressure, and having taken one too many punches in the face for years made it so that your mind needed to escape your body for a while."

"But what pressure?" Harvey asked with a questioning look on his face.

"You'll remember soon enough. You suffer from short term memory loss, just like the car crash that you don't remember. And some people you might need pictures to remember as well. Again, all in time. What you need to know is that we're going to transfer you to a rehab center tomorrow where you'll have to learn some of the things you might think you have lost. But they're in you. You just have to want to learn them again," Dr. Carson explained.

"But I'm feeling… better already," Harvey let out.

"Your recovery is going to take some time, Mr. Specter. You have to understand that after a coma, the rule is one month of rehabilitation for every day of unconsciousness. You've been out for a little over fifty days. That would mean at least four years of recovery. I'm not saying this is what you're going to need under these very favorable circumstances – which I have to be honest here, are a first for me. Recovery takes up to eight weeks after surgery on a subdural hematoma. But you fell into a coma. Therefore, you may end up needing months of physical rehab, get your muscles strong again and learn how to keep them that way. You might need to learn how to write again," Dr. Carson kept on explaining.

"What about my job?" Harvey asked, swallowing deeply.

"You might remember the law but the law needs to remember who you are and in order to do that, you need to exercise – whether it's your body or your mind. Time is on your side, Harvey," Dr. Carson concluded.

"Wherz… Donna?" Harvey asked the doctor, his mind rushing back to a part of himself that felt like a comfort zone.

"She'll be here soon," Dr. Carson lied for his patient's sake, having no idea where the woman was.

Dr. Carson continued to speak words which were producing zero meaning. The more it became incoherent to Harvey, the more he realized he was tired like he hadn't been tired in years.

"Donna…" Harvey managed to say before dozing off. The lawyer was out of consciousness again but it was his first dreamful sleep in fifty something days. Standing next to her, he saw her wear a lightweight jacket and a pair of jeans. They looked young. She was setting his mind and body free. He walked, then ran and then jumped on an empty green field. Running the whole nine yards away from her and then hurrying all the way back to her. He kissed her in a white haze. He fell asleep to the beeping sounds of the machines aligning with his peaceful heartbeat.

"Sleep well, Harvey," Dr. Carson said, swallowing back tears of joy.

* * *

It was 10:30 in the morning when Jessica called. Rachel was at work, helping Louis on a case.

"Jessica?" The Zane daughter answered the phone.

"Your fiancé is going to call you but it's best I let you know straight away: Harvey's awake," Jessica said.

"Oh my God…" It took the younger attorney a moment to gather her thoughts. "That… that is wonderful news." Rachel's sudden rush of joy grew into excitement, "Wait! I have to call Donna but… it's so sudden, I wonder how she's going to take all this." And then it all turned into one big disillusionment.

"By the way, how is she?" Jessica asked. She knew about Donna's pregnancy so the redhead had allowed her to tell the former managing partner and friend about her losing the baby.

"I don't know, she hasn't been answering any of my calls," Rachel admitted, feeling a pang of hurt knowing her best friend was more of a ghost these days than the sharp-witted woman she had come to admire over the years.

"Do you know where she is?" Jessica asked.

"Yes, she's staying at her mother's in Hartford," Rachel said and quickly added, "but don't tell anyone. Mike doesn't even know."

"I won't say a thing, I just needed to clear a few things with you," Jessica explained and added: "What do you think we should do? The hospital's been trying to contact her all day."

"She has to know, this is Harvey we're talking about," Rachel let out.

"But she's in a state of shock and Harvey… well, he might not even be like himself…" Jessica pondered.

"Are you suggesting we don't tell her about him for her own sake?" Rachel asked.

"No, we tell her but I'm not sure she can help him if she can't help herself; like you said, you're her best friend and she hasn't answered any of your calls. That should be a sign," Jessica explained and added, "I'd like to go see her and talk her into coming with me to see him. I'll keep the car running until she gets in."

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves; we don't know much," Rachel said and added, "I'll text you her address though."

"Thank you," Jessica said and heard Mike call after Rachel over the phone.

"Mike's in my office," Rachel said.

"No problem, I'll let you know when we're in town. I'm sure she'll want to see you," Jessica said, about to hang up.

"You're so sure she's going to come with you," Rachel sighed, "you don't know what she told me that day… she..." Rachel stopped herself, her voice breaking.

"She didn't know if he would ever wake up again that day. This is Harvey; she will come," Jessica asserted and before hanging up, added, "Goodbye Rachel."

Mike hugged Rachel from behind as she hung up herself.

"You know about POML," he stated.

"I do," she confirmed, "Jessica just called."

"He's being transferred to a rehab facility on the Upper East Side tomorrow. They won't allow me to see him yet… or any of us for that matter, except for his family; something about protocol," Mike sighed into her neck.

"As far as I can remember this is the work place! Not Sunset Beach!" Louis came, bursting through the door.

The two lovers disentangled from each other slowly, more surprised by Louis's knowledge of soap operas than by the fact that they had been caught in an – albeit relatively small – intimate moment.

Rachel hadn't cried yet but seeing the look on Louis's face when she told him that Harvey was awake sent her there; to that spot where eyes fill up with tears.

* * *

Jessica drove up to the address Rachel had sent her four days ago.

It was a beautiful Harrison home with slanted and tray ceilings in the city's historic west end. Once she was parked in the driveway, Jessica exited her car and without further thought, knocked on the front door.

After what felt like minutes, she was sure she'd heard someone sigh from behind the door before said someone opened it. A pale-looking Donna stood in the doorway barely able to hold the taller woman's gaze.

"Hello Donna! Never thought you'd look so good wearing a turtleneck, a pair of jeans and no make-up. Is this really how suburban folks dress… and even worse, is this how they live?" Jessica spoke first with a joke on the side.

"Hi Jessica," Donna said, unamused.

"Can I come in?" Jessica asked, seeing the former secretary didn't seem to want to let her in.

"I don't think this is a good idea, Jessica. I'm not feeling too well right now," Donna explained.

Jessica sighed, knowing full well the other woman didn't want to see anyone.

"Enough! I know you haven't answered Rachel's calls. Don't care if you don't want to see her, me, Mike, Louis or even your own parents for that matter. It's been a little over a week, it's still fresh in your mind, I get it," Jessica stated and then added, "but I know there is at least one person you want to see right this very second."

Donna eyed her suspiciously and said, "I don't need therapy Jessica, I'll be fine."

"Donna… I'm not talking about therapy. I'm talking about Harvey. Now grab your coat, scarf, shoes and purse. We're going to New York," Jessica said, walking back to her car.

"Jessica…" Donna trailed off and added, staring at her folded arms, "I can't be near him…"

"He's awake Donna," Jessica let out.

Donna slowly tilted her head back, her own gaze levelling to Jessica's face. She wondered whether she had heard Jessica correctly. "What did you say?"

"You heard me, now go grab your things," Jessica added, opened the side door and sat on the driver's seat.

Jessica knew she had been quite blunt. She started the car anyway, ready to wait for her like she told Rachel. She could see Donna who hadn't moved an inch, lost in thoughts, tears welling up in her eyes.

Jessica stayed in that driveway for over half an hour. Whatever was going on inside Donna's mind wasn't her burden to bear. She had never been that kind of friend. She didn't need to be. And Donna would have never wanted her to pry. She never doubted Donna would join her in the car though.

"Should take us an hour and a half to get there," Jessica let Donna know as she sat on the passenger seat and added, "Buckle up."

About two hours later, due to heavy traffic, Jessica parked at the indoor parking lot of Upper East Side Rehabilitation and Nursing Center.

Donna and Jessica took the elevator up to the 20th floor just as silently as the entire car ride was. They exited the elevator and walked up to a nurses' station nearby.

"Good morning, my name is Jessica Pearson and this is Donna Paulsen, Dr. Carson must have put us on the authorized visitors list," Jessica said.

The female nurse checked her computer and nodded, "Finally! Mr. Specter has been asking for Ms. Paulsen for days. I suppose you wish to see Mr. Specter."

"Yes please," Jessica asked.

"Mr. Specter isn't in his room right now, he's in physical therapy. You can go observe him in training room 3 if you want," the female nurse concluded.

Jessica didn't have time to freeze-frame on Donna and take notice of her expression. Stone cold as the redhead was, the female nurse's words must have turned her upside down. Donna remained impassive the whole way down to training room 3.

Guilt-ridden was the word she thought of to describe Donna's face when she saw Harvey through the half glass door.

* * *

As planned, Harvey was transferred to the rehabilitation center the next morning. His vital signs were in perfect order. Harvey gathered that Dr. Carson would remain his primary care physician but that a psychiatrist named Dr. Heng Yin had been assigned to his case on Dr. Carson's recommendation. He also met the certified rehabilitation registered nurse Daniel Murphy who would take care of his physical therapy. He understood that these people would work in concert to design and implement a plan of care best suited to his needs.

He felt surrounded and yet very much alone. Every day during his first two weeks of therapy, he was bedridden at breakfast; working on his limbs in the morning until assisted lunch where he would learn how to eat again and then working on his speech in the afternoon and bedridden some more at night, dining exquisite nutrients.

But all Harvey could think of was Donna. He remembered everything and it was killing him that she wasn't there with him. He could tell that the people around him were lying to him. His mother was abroad. She had an excuse. They couldn't find one for Donna, nothing even remotely resembling the truth.

He made no progress on the first day. He couldn't lift his arms or his legs long enough to eat or stand up. He kept thinking his body was a cage but had no intention of singing along Arcade Fire's tune.

"I'm wearing diapers and I can't take a piss or a shit on my own," he would say to Daniel on a regular basis.

"You wanna get rid of that wheelchair? Think about what you want, focus on that," Daniel would reply incessantly.

Jessica had come to see him once during physical therapy. Hiding her sorrowful eyes behind a smile; it was fake, something was eating up at her. She said she was happy to see him and kept telling him how he had to keep up the good work, how he had to fight this. Fight what exactly? Or was it who? Himself? She had tested him on judicial procedures. He didn't remember some of the – voluntary plural – devils she had put forth but he seemed okay enough. He hated that she was trying to make him feel better. He had asked her about Donna that day just as he would days later with Mike and Rachel. If the devil's in the details, not knowing about Donna wasn't a detail. It was a fact: one that was preventing him from doing better. He was being lied to and he hated it. The concert wasn't even close to being over.

 _Still wearing diapers!_

 _Why are you angry, Harvey?_

 _Nothing besides the fact that I'm perfectly fine mentally but that wait, oh no, I'm shitting myself all over that wheelchair._

 _Can't cope with what?_

 _Something._

 _At least you're eating by yourself now._

 _If you call barely holding a fork eating by myself then by all means, imitate me._

 _Describe your state of mind when you read this word._

 _Emptiness._

 _How do you feel when your eyes are about to close at night?_

 _I feel like I've been sleeping for seven weeks for nothing. I feel so goddamn tired all the time._

 _If love isn't enough to keep you going maybe hatred can help. Who do you hate, Harvey? Who do you love?_

 _Right now all I have is me… Isn't that what most shrinks want their patients to say? See, told ya I didn't need you! Dated one of your kind once but at least she made it clear that she couldn't do anything about my condition; that I had to be the one to take care of it._

 _But you're not taking care of it, Harvey._

 _I am by telling you I don't want to take care of it anymore!_

 _What would make you happy right now?_

 _Some Macallan 18._

His mother came to visit him every day the first week since her return and at least once a week in the months that followed. She had no idea of Donna's whereabouts. Harvey had asked her to talk to Rachel but the latter kept saying Donna wasn't answering her calls and that she didn't know where she was.

 _Your last check-up shows no signs of physical regression, Dr. Carson tested everything. There is nothing that says you can't walk._

 _Well I used to be here and now I'm there so… apparently I can't._

 _Don't you want to fight that disbarment procedure? I heard from your friend Louis these verdicts aren't always final._

 _Don't know the answer to that verdict. Don't want to know._

 _Okay, that's a razor, Harvey! Careful!_

 _I know how to shave, Goddangit!_

 _Might want to avoid an infection…_

 _I hate you._

 _Your hair's growing back fast._

 _With sexy holes in it…_

 _Give it a month. You won't see them anymore._

 _We've been going through this for two months; just admit that you don't know what you want._

 _All I want to know is where the hell she is!_

 _No, Harvey you want to know why she isn't here, this very minute, supporting you._

 _Help me…_

 _Then fight for that. Get up! Throw that wheelchair to my face if you have to but do something!_

 _Keep the thought of seeing her again alive!_

 _I freaking hate this room._

 _Nice jawline, Harv'!_

 _It's always been better than yours._

 _That's good Harvey. Lean on the bar._

 _I want to get out of this place._

 _Transfer your weight to your other foot._

 _Shut up!_

 _Today is day one of Month 5, Harvey, how about some whisky?_

 _Are you allowed to?_

 _Nurses are famous in the smuggling department._

 _Give me that._

 _Let's take those crutches away._

 _I can't. Please don't…_

 _YOU HAVEN'T BEEN DOING ALL THIS FOR NOTHING YOU PIECE OF SHIT._

 _WHO YOU CALLING PIECE OF SHIT? YOU ARE! FOR MAKING ME DO ALL THIS._

 _JUST SHUT UP, YOU HOT-SHIT-IN-YOUR-PANTS LAWYER. I THOUGHT YOU HAD MORE FAITH IN YOURSELF. I'M THERE SO… AREN'T YOU HERE AFTER ALL?_

 _ARGH!_

 _For self-teaching experience never insult a boxer… still hurts…_

 _Can't believe it!_

 _Believe in six months of intense shit if that's what you need._

 _What about the firm?_

 _You've put on a little weight. I know this great tailor near –_

 _Give me that address now._

* * *

Donna was watching TV on the couch when she heard two knocks on the door. She went to open the door to reveal an old petite brunette standing in the doorway.

"Hello Donna," the woman said.

"Hello Martha," Donna offered her a small smile, "what can I do for you?"

"I think Carl's microwave is broken, you know how he gets when things don't work anymore."

"He wants to repair them instead of buying new ones," Donna sighed, rolling her eyes.

"Exactly," the older woman sighed as well, "I know your mom keeps a portable microwave, can I borrow it for tonight, we have some friends over and I really need to reheat those beans."

"Of course," Donna said and invited the woman in. Heading for the kitchen, the woman asked her about her mother and when she would be coming back.

"In about a month," Donna said, grabbing the microwave.

"And when are you planning on going back to New York?" Martha asked.

"I'm not planning on going back to New York," Donna said and added, "I'm happy here."

"I've known you since you were a little girl Donna, I know you're not happy," Martha admitted.

Donna said nothing and escorted her outside. Martha sighed and said, "Anyway, I'll bring it back to you around nine o'clock, tonight. My friends are too old to stay late anyway!"

"It's okay, just bring it back tomorrow," Donna said.

"See you at nine," Martha said as Donna closed the door behind her, offering a small smile to the older woman.

Donna was reading on the couch when she heard two knocks on the door at nine o'clock sharp and said loud enough for the person she knew would be on the other side of the front door that she could have brought it back tomorrow. She opened the door and gasped.

To exist outside the confines of her soul and far beyond her eyelids, she let the pain from the darkness slowly set in. Black, sepia and then close to those LED night lights' color; bright white was it? It took her some time to adjust to the idea that she was at the center of it all. It took time for her now-defined surroundings to subdue the living form in front of her. Forms were taking longer than light; she had knowledge but she just couldn't grasp the idea of him entirely yet.

"So… where should we begin?" Harvey asked.

* * *

 **Review... you know you want to... even if you don't, really. Just lie if you have to. :P**


	18. Chapter 18

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **For those who didn't understand the bit about Donna, I did it on purpose. Sorry if it wasn't that clear. Donna did go see Harvey but she never came into the room. Therefore he never saw her. It is implied Jessica never told him Donna was here with her that day. She never returned afterwards.**

 **Harvey was in a coma for seven weeks. Took him six months to recover. He hasn't seen Donna since the disbarment hearing.**

 **Unbeta-ed again / possible mistakes. Will do another proofread tomorrow. Hope you like this chapter, if so, please review (constructive criticism and issues you have or find with the text are also welcome!)**

* * *

" _So… where should we begin?" Harvey asked._

Afterlife. Eerie lights in the dark directed at his beginning or her end. Yet the man who stood proud and tall and handsome as hell in front of her wanted to begin somewhere. June weather was still cold at night. This year was particularly cold though, barely above 50°. It felt more like an October or November weather to him. Dr. Carson told Harvey that they had to induce hypothermia to increase his chances of survival after his heart stopped. A side effect of that was that ex-coma patients felt the cold more sharply. Summer wasn't here at all for Harvey.

The cold made him look more real than he already was. She could see Harvey's breath rise into the air; his face, his eyes and mouth open, his slightly reddened cheeks and the way he was breathing in and out slowly. He was just as awake as he had been six months ago. He looked alive – as if he had never been in a coma.

Harvey was wearing his black Cashmere-Blend Long Car coat but he had traded his three-piece suit for a pair of jeans and a dark-blue shirt. She had been standing there, watching him from head to toe for over a minute when she started freezing on the spot.

She was wearing her hair in a ponytail, a pair of black trousers and a long beige turtleneck top. She looked like Heaven on Earth to him even though she looked thinner. He didn't want to overthink things. He needed answers; fighting for the moment that they would reunite whatever the outcome of that reunion. He noticed her teeth chattering – a memory suddenly flashed before his eyes, quoting it vividly in his mind: What's coming is a lecture on teeth chattering, he had said. He then commented, alleviating the palpable tension: "I would give you my coat but I'd rather let myself in."

He tried skirting around her but she blocked his path, putting her small hand against his chest. Harvey stopped dead on his track, taken aback and watched her looking at him, touching him gently as if she were afraid she'd break him to pieces. How was it that she seemed to have missed him as much as he had missed her? She was the one who'd never shown up.

"I'm going in now Donna," he said, grabbing her hand gently with his, lingering just enough to remember the way his hand used to fit in hers before letting it fall back. Her body trembled from the remnants of the feeling of his hand.

He entered the house and waited for her to close the door behind them. He put his coat on the nearby hanger and waited for her to lead the way into the living room.

"How did you get here?" Donna asked, feeling him follow her closely.

"Took the train and then a cab," he said and suddenly commanded her to sit down.

"What?" she asked, surprised by his sudden outburst.

"I didn't come here to make small talk, Donna," he added, not ready to give up on the energy he thought he'd lost the moment he saw her.

Donna wasn't one to give up a fight but he suddenly realized she might be in a different state of mind. How long had she been living like this… She looked reclusive.

"I think I deserve an explanation," he said and added, "and don't even try to play dumb with me. You're too smart to trifle with me."

"I'm not going to mislead you but you're asking me to relive months of my life in a snap!" Donna let out, staring at him.

"First of all, you could have come for me but didn't," Harvey said and rambled slightly, "but at least you never called me which means there must have been one hell of a reason for you not to come and see me at the hospital."

"I stopped coming, Harvey. There's a difference." she said, folding her arms over her chest.

"Where the hell were you during the first days of rehab?" he asked and added, "I needed you so bad, I didn't think I could make it out alive. I was trapped inside my body; I'm pretty sure this felt worse than prison."

"You were my own prison Harvey… for seven weeks, I just couldn't take it anymore, getting no response from you." she admitted, raising her arms in the air.

"I'm not the enabler here, you created those walls around yourself alone, I had no hand in that," he brushed off her pseudo-admittance to give her his own piece of mind. He then added, staring at the floor beneath him, "I never would have left your side. And this is what's killing me, Donna. The fact that you left my side made me want to hate you and fight to tell you in person; right to your face as I am tonight."

"You don't know if you would have stayed not knowing whether I'd wake up or not," Donna explained, standing up to him.

"Never, not in two, five, ten or twenty goddamn years. Never in a million years would I have left your side," Harvey kept saying, making sure his stare epitomized certainty.

"You're not being fair to me here Harvey, you're just mad that I–" she stood up and began to say before he cut her off, louder.

"Stopped coming? You want me to be honest, okay, sure, fine! But now _you_ need to be honest and tell me why you refused to even set foot into that rehab center!"

"I had to let you go, Harvey. Don't you understand? I didn't think you'd wake up and letting go of the idea of you and me having a future had slipped away. Fifty three days I counted… fitty three where I couldn't wake you up. And I began convincing myself that you didn't want to. That I wasn't enough… that I would never be enough." Donna let out.

"None of this makes sense to me, Donna!" Harvey said and added, "Why is it so difficult for you to tell me the truth?"

"There's no truth, Harvey. I just gave up on us, to protect myself." She explained, hands on her hips with her head lifted high and her chin jutting forward.

Harvey moved into her direction, standing no more than two feet away from her. "See, Donna? That seems reasonable enough but your once infallible body language now tells me you're full of shit. I can't believe you lost your edge like that. Or maybe you're trying to tell me to keep pushing."

"Keep pushing all you want, Harvey," Donna stated and admitted, "I did because it was the only thing I could do."

"Protect yourself or protect me? Which is it? What else is new?" he retorted with a series of rhetorical questions.

"Didn't you once say by now that it's the same thing? That I protect you, you protect me." Donna stated and added, "That's not even the point, if you really hate what I did this bad why didn't you just write me a letter?"

"Oh, so now you're acting all defiant, letting me know how annoyed you are by our conversation," Harvey explained, understanding her expert dodging maneuver.

"Annoyed?" she asked, "I'm feeling the complete opposite! I'm desperate for you to hold me right now! That's how I'm feeling!"

If looks could send daggers and flowers at the very same time, the two people in Mommy Paulsen's living room were capable of staring each other down this way. The anger inside him was forbidding him from giving in and giving her what she wanted and more.

Donna knew she would come clean eventually. But not now. Not when he was so angry at her for leaving him. Because she _had_ indeed left him; it was always about protecting him. Protecting him even now, she continued: "But you wouldn't know that because all you can think about is why I never went to see you. Is this need to know what drove you over here in the first place?"

"You're damn right it is!" he admitted, folding his arms too, "I practically bullied Rachel into giving me your address. And it made me sick because I made her break her promise to you. So my question is fairly simple… do you still love me?"

"Harvey… I… hate myself," Donna admitted.

"Because I love you too much to let you hate yourself… even over me," Harvey stated, overlapping her words.

"You can't help me, Harvey," she stated and added, "you've made so much progress, I can't be the one dragging you down again."

"I love you, Donna," he let out.

"I failed you, Harvey," she let out too.

"Maybe… but I'm gonna stay with you until I get answers. Don't mind me, I'll sleep on the couch. So you're going to have to fail me again and again until you start being honest with me."

If he didn't, he felt as if he would fail to comply with my own desire.

"Harvey…" Donna sighed.

"I'll never let you down, Donna," he admitted and added, cupping her left cheek. Staring her in the eye, he eventually let his hand go loose, trailing his fingers down her neck until those same fingers combed through her hair. "I can't let you down and I feel as if I have somehow."

"You haven't–" Donna began bringing her face closer to his as if she were about to whisper something but was cut off by the sound of someone knocking on her door.

They overheard a woman's voice say: "Donna is everything okay? I know it's now half past nine but I saw a cab down your lane earlier. Didn't want to intrude… Is your mother back?"

"Harvey, I–" Donna began, still staring straight into Harvey's dark pupils.

"You should get that," he said, cutting her off.

Harvey quickly followed after Donna as she went to open the door. "Hey, Martha."

"Sorry to bother you Don…" the older woman said before pausing in slight awe at the man standing next to Donna, "Well, hello sir, I didn't know Donna had invited someone over tonight."

Harvey thought the woman couldn't look more obvious: granting Donna a smug smile like that.

"Martha, this is Harvey, my boss," she said introducing her to Harvey and turned to look at Harvey and said: "Harvey, this is Martha Mathews, my mom's thirty-plus years friend and neighbor."

"Very nice meeting you," Martha said, offering him a handshake.

"Likewise," Harvey said, responding to her handshake.

"Here's your microwave," Martha said, picking it up from the ground and handing it over. Before Donna could take it, Harvey jumped in took it himself. The gesture didn't go by unnoticed to either woman.

"Have you had anything to eat, my friends just left and I have some leftovers," Martha said, addressing Harvey.

Donna was about to object when Harvey cut in and said: "I ate on the way over here but thank you nevertheless."

"You know what? Why don't you two come over for lunch tomorrow… I mean, look how thin your girlfriend is!" Martha said.

"Martha, he's my–" Donna tried before Martha cut her off again.

"Oh, cut the crap, I talk to your mother, you know!" Martha retorted and added, "Should we say 12:30?"

"Sounds perfect to me," Harvey said, smiling.

"Thank you, Martha," Donna let out.

"Carl will be so pleased to have a man over," Martha said and waved them goodbye and added: "See you tomorrow then!"

Donna stood in front of the door, motionless. Harvey closed the door for her and went back to the living room.

Donna got out of her own reverie and said, following him: "You know you didn't have to…"

"I want to," he shrugged and added, "besides she seems really nice." He coughed slightly and added: "So your mom knew about how you felt about me?"

"My mom knows you and I have always had a close friendship. Just not how close. The way her mind came up with those ideas was never my doing."

"Well, she has always been kind of right and you know it," he said with a devious look on his face, "You know I only hired you so many years ago because of your looks, right?"

She shook her head at his words: "And _I_ only came to your desk because you looked cute. How you became a hot-shot lawyer still escapes me!"

"Probably because of you," he said, winking at her, happy she was being sharp and witted – part of what made her who she was, the woman he had fallen in love with.

Silence had set in. She was scared of whatever would come out of his mouth next. She loved him but she didn't know how to be around him anymore. He looked stronger and yet older somehow; more tired. She noticed him yawn a bit and said: "I'll go grab you a blanket and pillows. You can use the bathroom upstairs if you want to."

"Thank you," he said and added, "I still sleep a lot; I've spent a lot time of time revising law books. My genius's still not as it used to be, you know?"

She nodded in understanding. She knew he would be confronted with such problems. Dr. Carson had given her books to read on the subject.

Harvey continued: "I'm not completely done with physical therapy. I have scheduled appointments–"

"Then why are you here if you're still…" she said, cutting him off some more as she went to rummage through a nearby closet.

"Because I asked them to ease off on me a little. They said I was in the clear and so I told them that I had to go see you. They agreed and here I am… for as long as I want, until I go back to New York." He explained, watching her pick up a blanket.

She moved to the couch and set the blanket over.

"When are you heading back?" she asked, afraid his stay would be too short for her to come out of her shell.

"Come back to me and you'll know," he simply said.

The gasping sound she made and her lack of answer told him his words had the desired effect. What she said next was more carefully thought out than it looked: "I'll go get the pillows."

A silent promise and a downfall at the same time; hope and despair rolled into one.

* * *

They knew a place neither of them could go. Him lying on his back, arms folded behind his head, unable to sleep knowing she was upstairs, in her old bedroom. A place he hadn't set foot into. This was the first time he'd ever gone to this house; he had been there for three hours and most of the precious time he wanted to have with her had been spent on a living room couch, thinking about their earlier conversation. He had gone to an adjacent bathroom upstairs to brush his teeth and apply some of the lotion he had to use on his limbs – all part of his recovery. He had taken a short glimpse at her girly bedroom on the way over to the bathroom for her door was half-open; not too lit and gloomier than what he had expected it to look. She was about to take off her top when he averted his eyes – feeling she needed the privacy while he needed to get a grip. Three hours in and their conversation began to fade away from his mind, eyes and ears. She was hiding an elephant from him, he knew it. Had she been with someone else while he was in a coma? Had she gotten tired of their tumultuous affair? Had he jeopardized some newfound bliss by coming over? Had he gone too far with his hope of having her back in his life again? Was he actually mad for loving her so much he was already forgiving her absence at his side all those months? For the first time in thirteen years, he was afraid of wanting her back into his life. What if feeling for six months had been for nothing?

Would they ever be able to go there? To a place where she could forgive herself? He said he wanted that, Donna thought, lying in a fetal position on her bed with her hand under the pillow. She had seen him apply some cream on his limbs. They looked better than the way they looked before: atrophied. He had regained some muscle. He must have worked so hard, she thought. It made her hate herself more. She wanted nothing but to hold him and run away from this house at the same time. If he could hold her back; if only... She had sent him deflective signals and she hated herself for that. Too ambiguous to let him know he was everything she wanted. Too stubborn to come to terms with her dismissal of the woman she should have been for him, and _to_ him, as any able-bodied woman ought to be. She was supposed to be the mother of his child. For the first time in six months, everything was eating up at her. What if not feeling for six months had been for nothing?

* * *

Harvey slept in late. He checked his watch and saw that it was ten o'clock. There were no sounds in the house; no movements, no smell of freshly brewed coffee. He got off the couch and moved upstairs. The house was colder than the night before – probably because of a timed heating system – his white t-shirt and boxers acting as the only barrier between himself and the senior Paulsen's dire living conditions. On his way to the bathroom, he searched for the stairs light switch. Unable to find it, he climbed up the stairs in a relatively dim light. As he was reaching the upper floor, Donna burst out of nowhere, surprising them both and collided with him. It happened so fast that she grabbed his shirt for support but dragged him down with her in the process. Harvey put both his hands behind her back instinctively to secure her fall as much as his.

She let out a small cry, feeling his arms under her back. His body covering hers made her feel slightly different though: her heavy breathing speaking for itself.

"I'm sorry," he said, his face towering over hers.

"No, I'm sorry; I didn't see you," she said but then heard him snarl and added, "are you okay?"

"My knees hurt a bit, I have to be careful, cannot have them bruise," he let out, switching his gaze from the knees he couldn't see to her upper body. Not that he could see much, but their proximity made it literally impossible for him not to think about her the way he wanted to. She put her hand against his face which startled him a little and said, "Harvey, I know you lost weight but… you're still heavy."

"Right, sorry," he said and got off of her, helping her up in the process.

She turned on the light.

"Oh, at least now I know where this one is!" he said, looking at the light switch before setting his eyes back on hers. In doing so, he noticed how her bathrobe hung loose, somewhat off her shoulder. He couldn't help but straightening it for her, his eyes not leaving the piece of exposed flesh as he did. He gave her a small smile as he took his hand off her shoulder and straightened his own shirt before her. Everything about the intimacy of this moment made Donna feel uneasy.

"Where's the downstairs switch by the way?" he asked, trying to sound casual.

"Near the ramp on the right wall," she said, letting out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"I knew it!" he winked, utterly unconvinced and added: "Can I use the bathroom?"

"Of course, I'm done, you can go, I put a towel on the stool for you," she said, heading for her bedroom.

"Always thinking of everything, wifey!" he said, grinning.

She stopped dead, thinking of a moment between them that seemed lightyears away. She turned her head around slightly and smirked for the first time since he'd last seen her.

It was almost eight months ago.

* * *

Harvey exited the shower with a bit of a limp. The fall had caused him to bruise his right knee a little more than he thought. He went to change in the living room. He smelled coffee and quickly put his jeans on.

He moved to the kitchen and saw she was dressed in the exact same clothes she wore the night before – except that her hair was loose and her top now a black round collar one.

"Thanks," he said, pouring himself a cup. He took a sip and said, "Is there vanilla in it?"

She nodded and said, "Probably not as good as…"

"Haven't had this in… well, it's just the way I like it," he said.

"I thought I would go to the store and buy Martha and Carl a bottle of wine," Donna said.

"Great idea," he said, "I'll come with."

"Are you sure, I noticed you came in here limping," she said and gestured towards the kitchen.

"I need the exercise, straighten my legs a bit, I'll be fine," he said.

"I have to take the car to go to the store," she explained with a guilty expression on her face.

"I don't mind being in a car if that's what you're afraid of. I haven't felt like driving again yet but I don't mind you driving," he explained, serious.

"Okay then," she said.

* * *

Being in a car with her reminded him of the time when he had taken her to Staten Island. He felt safe but it also took him back to a dark place that should have been a warning. He had taken her back to New York fast; they had argued over something he couldn't really remember and had sped up on the highway. It reminded him he could have killed them both. On the day of the hearing, when his life as a lawyer was on the line, he took his car, and drove aimlessly. But he was alone. He regretted getting away from her that day. Unable to remember why he had to drive so fast but able to remember what had made him grow wings: Donna had opened up wholeheartedly about her feelings for him.

It was the third time he had been in a car since the accident – at least while conscious. First, Ray had driven him to Grand Central Station and then, he had taken a cab to go from Hartford Union Station to her mother's house. He was surprised her mother wasn't there; but having to explain his presence to her mother was something he had been really happy to scratch.

Donna picked a bottle of Merlot but Harvey insisted on paying. Donna shrugged off some comment made by the store owner about letting men pay.

 _Still wanna pay, man?_

 _You know what I hate most? Sexist comments._

 _I agree, let's go to another store._

They were about to turn on their heels when the liquor store owner said he was sorry and that he would give them a discount. They both smiled and paid the bottle for half the price.

For six months, he used to fall asleep at night trying to remember the accident. Piece by piece, images flickered in his mind; his brain giving him access to more each night. Images became motions. All he had to do was try to find some sort of explanation as to why, the way he felt, led him to stop thinking about what he was doing. The actual driving was the easy part to solve. Easy to understand in every respect. The reasons why though were on a whole different level. His psychiatrist suggested different analyses. One of them was that his brain malfunctioned the moment he realized he had everything with Donna but that he had very likely lost the right to be a lawyer.

Harvey sighed breaking the silence that had set in on the ride back to the Paulsens'.

"Are you okay?" she asked, sensing he was in deep troubling thoughts.

"Just thinking about the way this guy treated me," he said, faking a tear.

"You keep saying I'm not being honest with you but right there, now, you're not being honest with me," she said, turning the wheel slightly to the left.

"Guess we still both have a lot to say to each other," he said.

His honesty drove her mad. She was fuming internally because he was right. They wouldn't be able to keep up this charade of a morning for long even though they both seemed to enjoy how natural and peaceful it felt.

* * *

Lunch at the Mathews was interesting to say the least.

 _Is it normal for the temperatures to be so normal during the day and this cold at night?_

 _It'll pick up in July. Jet streams mess everything up; the average latitude of the jet shifts poleward between spring and summer. Taking more time this year to shift, I guess. Either that or some higher power is playing a joke on us!_

 _You seem to know a lot about weather, sir._

 _Well, you see, when I asked this lady over here to marry me almost fifty years ago in the summer of 64, was it?_

 _Yes, thanks for remembering!_

 _Don't mind her, she's cranky. Anyway, the wind gusts were so strong; it never felt like summer at night. I got down on one knee in my Bermuda shorts and the rest is history! Two wonderful kids, dogs and the white picket fence!_

 _Are you telling me that's why you were shaking? This wasn't stress?_

 _I always knew you'd say yes._

Harvey learned a lot about Donna's teenage years.

 _I wore out my Joshua Tree album, I know… A girl's gotta know her classics._

 _Every time I asked her what that strange music was, she'd say 'you too, it's you too,' and I thought she was insane… spoke to her mother about it and she told me about this famous band U2. Her mother and I became friends and I thought Donna was the little girl I never had. Wasn't it my son who gave you a mixed tape?_

 _The fish is fantastic…_

 _Oh! I actually wanna hear about that!_

 _You have no idea! Martha wanted to marry them so bad._

 _It was just a fling, Carl._

 _How long did you guys date?_

 _I was sixteen and it lasted about three months. But I was more focused on being a thespian than being in a relationship._

 _My boy ended up marrying Mary Wallas, the girl who came after Donna. Told you my son was a catch!_

 _He was a great guy, Carl._

 _Was?_

And some other things. Harvey caught a ghost.

 _He died in a car crash a few years ago._

 _I'm sorry… I didn't think…_

 _It's okay. We like talking about him, don't we Carl?_

 _Yes, it brings back good memories. Mary often comes by with the kids and they stay over during the holidays._

 _Carl, can you go check on the meat?_

…

 _So, Harvey, I heard you're a famous lawyer in New York City. What have you been working on lately?_

 _I'm a corporate…_

 _Lawyer, he works on cases relating to big firms, class actions against them, hostile take overs, buy outs… He's really good at what he does._

 _Actually, what Donna failed to mention is that I might never practice law again._

 _How come?_

 _Here's desert!_

 _Shhh Martha…_

 _Okay… okay… it's an apple crumble by the way, hope you like it._

 _This looks amazing. Anyway, I'm going through a disbarment procedure because of my recklessness._

 _He means because he tried to protect me._

 _I remember discussing that with you… debating._

 _Son, even if you can't see the bottom yet, you didn't just dive. So I guess the people who judged you can see it too. You have a past and good deeds are always taken into account._

 _Another one of your great sentence I just don't understand! Carl, you really need to get it through your head that you ain't no Shakespeare._

 _And you're no Martha Stewart…_

 _That was low… Anyway, how do you like the pie, Donna?_

 _It's very good, Martha._

 _Then eat more of it._

…

 _So, Donna hasn't really left the house in six months, except for that one time, she left for two days to go to New York her mother told me. How come you're the only visitor we've seen at hers in months?_

Lunch took a different turn suddenly. Harvey who was seating next to Donna eyed her suspiciously and said: "What is she talking about?"

"Nothing…" Donna sighed, unable to look at him.

"Do you remember when she left, Martha?" Harvey asked.

"Towards the end of January, I think," Martha recalled.

"Exactly around the time I woke up, huh. You were in New York for two days and you never said anything?" Harvey let out.

"Don't do this now, Harvey," Donna said, clutching at the napkin resting on her lap.

"Oh, I'm going to do this now. You see, Martha..." Harvey began and switched his eyes from Martha to Carl, "Carl… I was in a coma for about eight weeks after a car accident and eventually woke up. And this woman here, who, rumor has it – from a very reliable source – meaning myself, is in love with me, never once showed up in the span of six months; at a time when I needed her most."

Carl and Martha were both surprised at Harvey's outburst and words. Harvey suddenly didn't care that these people had lost a son whereas he got to live. He was angry. He would hate himself later.

"Harvey, we should talk about this outside," Donna said, putting a hand on his shoulder but retracting it immediately seeing he didn't want it.

"No, I want the truth now. Did you or did you not come to the rehab center?" he asked.

"I did…" she admitted.

"Did you see me?" he asked, feeling a pang of hurt in his chest; remembering Jessica's eyes and how she seemed to feel sorry for him. This wasn't about his condition. She had avoided the Donna subject. Fake.

"I did see you." She couldn't lie anymore.

"So you saw the pathetic excuse of a man I had become and decided to flee before there could even be a crime scene?" he said, the metaphor not even bringing him any comfort.

"That's not why I–" she tried before he cut her off again.

"I'm getting out of here," he said, standing up, "thank you for lunch. I'm sorry about leaving you like this, I'm sorry about your son too."

Harvey wasn't really making much sense by then. He put his napkin back on the table, grabbed the coat he wouldn't need wearing in the afternoon anyway and headed out.

Harvey didn't come back until nighttime. Donna had gone home, expecting him to turn up at some point. Afternoon? Nothing. Evening? Still nothing? But at around 10 PM she heard two knocks on the door and rushed out of the living room to open it.

"Where have you been? I was worried," she let out. He let himself in.

"Needed to walk," he said, staring at his feet.

"You've been walking all this time?" she asked, not believing a word he was saying.

"Don't wanna talk right now, I'm tired. Let's just leave it at that," he said, taking his coat off, shaking slightly.

"You're feeling cold, again," she asked, touching his forehead.

"Don't pretend like you care, you haven't cared in six months… so just leave me be," he stated, moving past her and into the living room, his shoulder brushing off against her own.

There was no point in trying to talk some sense into him when he was like that. She watched him lie down on the couch as she began walking towards the stairs. No point in saying goodnight either. She gave one last glance his way before heading upstairs.

* * *

He didn't know how long he had been lying like this under the covers, thinking about the uneventful walk that had led him back to her place anyway. He had walked this entire time, making small stops to rub his legs. Hurting. He was hurting. His sore legs were a way for him not to think. Hurting. Like he was hurting in rehab, trying to stand up when she wasn't around to help him; when he felt like she had abandoned him. No one's leaving you, Harvey, she had said once. Yeah, right, he thought.

A hand suddenly came to rest on his arm. Even in the pitch dark living room, he knew Donna was the one tentatively trying to sit next to his lying form on the couch. He could barely see her face but scooted over anyway.

"What do you want, Donna?" he asked, exasperation obvious in his voice.

She hovered over his body to switch on the lamp behind the couch, the pitch dark room turning dim in an instant. Redness under her eyes; she had been crying. He felt responsible but not enough to ask her about it.

"I felt as if you were dying in my arms," she began and continued in a soft voice, "every day and night I stayed by your side, Harvey and seeing you trying to hoister yourself up from that wheelchair. It made me want to scream because you were beginning to fight again while I hadn't been able to fight for two."

"What do you mean? You fought for me by standing next to me like you said, Donna." Harvey said, seating up.

"I lost… I miscarried, Harvey," Donna admitted.

Harvey saw himself crash his car in the traffic light all over again before it all turned dark. His eyes shot wide open, his expression switching from a frown to complete sadness.

"I'm so sorry," she whimpered.

His heart broke again and again. He felt as if his lungs had stopped working; he couldn't bear the look in her eyes but held her gaze still. The red warning lights to his deeply buried feelings, those that couldn't be shut off anymore, turned green – his love for her, the lies, how they always meant she was putting him first, to protect him and how guilty he felt about her own guilt. She had given him the greatest gift of all and taken it back in a matter of two words; a beginning and an end. Harvey did the only thing his body and soul allowed him to do. He put his arm around her upper back, cupped her cheek and pulled her into a kiss, swallowing the tears she never should have been crying alone.


	19. Chapter 19

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **A little update - Hope you like this chapter. Let me know! :)**

* * *

 _She had given him the greatest gift of all and taken it back in a matter of two words; a beginning and an end. Harvey did the only thing his body and soul allowed him to do. He put his arm around her upper back, cupped her cheek and pulled her into a kiss, swallowing the tears she never should have been crying alone._

One kiss, two kisses, maybe more. She had lost track of time. She could feel him hug her tight, his arms around her upper back, and holding on to her as if time had never gone by. But time had gone by; too long, really. And all they wanted to do was enjoy a bit of comfort.

Harvey eventually took her hand and pulled her into his arms and back onto the sofa. Without asking; not that he needed to. Silence felt good. Their breathing was enough. Their red eyes were focusing on nowhere in particular, undisturbed by the dim light of the room. The coma had never been a conflict-free slumber. If it had, he figured he never would have been so tired waking up and spending months in rehab, thinking about sleep every single minute of every hour and every day. Lying on the couch with her on top of him, in his arms, caressing her head that was resting on his chest, he felt at peace. His fingers combing strands of hair aimlessly while she was looking at her left hand and his right one entwined with their arms extending outside the confines of the couch.

"When did you know?" he asked her, breaking the silence.

She kept touching his fingers, staring at their knuckles and palms and said, looking absent-mindedly even though she wasn't, "Almost a week before you woke up."

"So you were… about eight weeks pregnant or something," he stated and she nodded. Too frightened to leave her mind restless he moved his left hand and put it under her chin and asked her to meet his gaze. She tilted her head back and put her other hand between her chin and his chest, propping herself up on the back of her hand.

"Who else knows?" he asked.

"Only Rachel, Jessica and Dr. Carson," Donna admitted.

"Of course, he knew," Harvey sighed.

"He was the one who found out," she stated and added as tears began to form again in her eyes, "he warned me about…"

"Stop crying," he said matter-of-factly. He breathed out, sensing his words seemed to have had a harsher effect on her than he had intended them to be. He added with a small smile, "that baby is always going to be a part of us."

"You don't understand, Harvey, I hated it at first, the baby, I mean. I was thinking of you instead of myself…"

"Then picture this: imagine me taking care of a baby in a world where you don't exist; in a world where you're alive but dead to the outside world. Would have I wanted to take care of that baby at first? I sure as hell wouldn't have! Me, of all people! But as we both know, you stopped coming to see me. Therefore you began taking care of it." Harvey explained.

"But I wasn't even able to carry it!" Donna let out.

Harvey let her comment slide and kept going: "Not our fault if lights turn from green to red in a matter of milliseconds. Not our fault if happiness or despair makes you forget what you're doing like when you're driving a car. Not our fault if biology sucks. But for the past few months, I've had to remember who I was and remind myself that I don't suck. And neither do you."

She was staring at him intensely with a certain glow in her eye and she understood, from his eyes, that her appreciation was beyond meaningful to him.

"I never even asked… would you have wanted a baby?" she asked, sniffing back tears.

"With you, yes. Always," he said but seeing the look of disappointment in her eyes, he asked, full of uncertainty: "Do you think it would have been a boy or a girl?"

"A boy," Donna said and added, "a little you. And you?"

"A girl," Harvey said and added, "a little me with your hair."

Donna gave him a slight slap on the shoulder.

He licked his lips before smirking and added: "But I don't care. I have you and you are the most precious..."

He trailed off and couldn't help but stare into her eyes and suddenly let go of her hand to cup her cheek. He caressed it with his thumb and ended his sentence. "You're my woman. You are not to blame. I will never blame you, you hear me?"

"But I am to blame, Harvey," she explained and added: "I was doing too much, I…"

"No, you were thinking of me. I'm the one to blame. I did something impulsive, I went too fast… I," Harvey explained as well but stopped sensing they would go around in circles. Donna felt the same.

"I guess we'll have to say we're both to blame," she said and gave him a lingering kiss on the corner of his mouth before adding, "I'm tired, do you want to go upstairs... with me."

"You mean, do I want to go to your girlhood bedroom?" he said, pretending to think about it and added, "Hell, yeah!"

She got up from the couch, took his hand again and helped him up. She noticed he still had some difficulty standing up quickly but he just shrugged off whatever questioning or guilty feelings that might have resurfaced by saying: "Being in a coma sucked but rehab sucked a whole lot more. Don't feel guilty about not coming to see me. I get it now. You were suffering too."

"I'm never going to leave you again, Harvey," Donna let out, her voice breaking slightly from the surge of emotions which had been building up inside her.

"You might Donna. You just don't know it," Harvey admitted and said, "You don't need to say that to me anymore. I understand that people leave. Sometimes for good reasons and sometimes for bad reasons, I get it now. I never thought you would leave me but you did. You know how much this hurt me–"

"Of course, Harvey, you have no idea–" Donna began, cutting him off but eventually she got cut off as well.

"I have… an idea, Donna. You are the person who loves me the most in this fucked up world, and I love you just as much, therefore I know why you had to do what you did. Just as long as you and I are clear on why we leave each other the way we do. Whatever the reason – because surely, you must know, I'll always come back to you."

"And I, to you," she said.

"That was cheesy, wasn't it?" he asked, quirking an eyebrow.

"A little bit," she admitted, closing one of her eyes as she held out her thumb and forefinger a bare inch apart.

They both smiled at each other, each chuckling as if in sync.

"So we agree to be stupid with each other?" he said.

"We agree not to be stupid, Mister because not only have I left you once –"

"I've left you once too… not that I'm keeping track–" he added but she hushed him with her index finger.

"I left you a second time. I'm not leaving you… as long as you want to be with me. And I'm serious here, Harvey," she explained.

"Then let me be serious too," he said and paused before adding to emphasize his next words, "I want to be with you. All the time. I've always wanted to be with you. I'll always want to be with you. And no one else."

"Cheesy again…" she said, between her teeth.

"I don't care!" he said lifting his arms in the air before retaking possession of her hands, "I want us to do what we were supposed to do before that stupid accident. When we go back to New York, I want you and I to move in together. All I need is to have you by my side and nothing else."

She never asked him about him ever being a lawyer again. She had thought about asking him that once, twice, maybe more while they were moving upstairs. But she didn't. Instead, she led him into her old bedroom and felt him hold her the whole night through. The extent of their love for each other had been summed up in one tiny location, one question and one answer.

Harvey had asked before closing his eyes: "Wasn't the couch more comfortable?"

"Don't dream it's over," Donna had said before closing her own.

* * *

Harvey woke up at around eight the next morning. His morning routine since rehab had changed. He knew he would never be able to wake up as early as he used to. Unless if he had to; for whatever new job he would need to be looking for in the weeks to come. Not knowing about his situation was killing him. He hadn't told Donna about the scheduled hearing that was in two days. Sure he had lied to her about that; but he never would have gone if Donna hadn't done what she did last night. Hell, he didn't know whether he wanted to go or not anyway. He gave her a small kiss on the cheek and left her tiny bed and tiny pink sheets, feeling colder the second he left her side. He went downstairs and grabbed a sweater and a pair of jeans when he smelled freshly brewed coffee coming from the kitchen.

He put his clothes on and walked in the direction of the kitchen and saw a woman standing by the sink, doing day's old dishes.

"Hello, Harvey," the woman said without turning around.

Harvey's eyes went wide and he replied, "Mrs. Paulsen? How did you know–"

She turned around and cut him off, her lips having formed into her smile, "Oh, shrimp boy, how come you still don't know the woman who made the wonderful human being that was in your arms just a minute ago?"

Harvey said nothing. Observing the tall, lean with blonde highlights woman, he could picture Donna older. Just beautiful. He had not expected to see her so soon or at all for that matter.

"Oh and just call me Margaret, I'm retired now, don't need to call me by that scam of a husband's last name anymore," she explained and added, "the poor man, bless his soul, I'll always love him no matter who I date."

"Margaret," Harvey sighed, scratching his hair, feeling uncomfortable.

"Good boy," she said, giving her hair a flip and shrugged, "still my last name legally though."

"Hum, want any help with that?" he asked but realized she wasn't really listening to him.

"So, I was wondering when you'd show up. Not that I don't like my daughter but I've had to deal with her for so long I just didn't know when I could start dating again. At least now she'll be getting–" Margaret said until a high-pitched third party cut her off.

"Mom!" Donna shouted as she entered the kitchen.

"It's okay, I was merely addressing your newfound issues with intimacy – which from what I've seen, seem to have been resolved!" Margaret kept going and added, "Coffee?"

* * *

"And so Antonio was nice and all but I didn't feel like he was Italian enough," Margaret explained, taking a sip from her coffee.

Harvey hadn't eaten as many French toasts in years, trying his best to avoid having to answer questions from Donna's over prying mother.

"Weren't you supposed to stay in Italy for like another whole month?" Donna asked. Again.

"No, Donna, sweetie, you just don't listen, do you?" Margaret shook her head and added, "I said I would but only if Sebastiano wasn't back in the picture by then."

"I suppose he did… get back in the picture," Donna said, rolling her eyes.

It was just as funny as it had been the first time he had met Mrs. Paulsen. At the God-Awful dinner party, a much younger Donna had reacted the same way that she had this instant: exasperated and slightly ashamed of her mother's antics.

"Bingo! So Antonio and I parted ways," Margaret said, winking at Harvey.

"She means they banged one last time," Donna made a side-comment in Harvey's direction.

"I was trying to be poetic," Margaret pretended to be shocked.

"No, you weren't," Donna sighed.

"Anyway, he didn't take it too badly," Margaret said and added, "So here I am, back from a tumultuous journey."

"Tumultuous indeed," Donna chuckled.

"So, Donna, honey, I hope you won't mind but Sebastiano is meeting us home tonight." Margaret added.

"And that's our queue to leave," Donna said, leaving the table and added, "We're getting back to New York, today."

"Today?" Harvey asked. Now, he was shocked.

"Yes, today!" she frowned and nodded, making it a point for him to start packing.

"Today! Yes, sorry we can't meet Sebastian," Harvey admitted.

"Sebastian-no," Margaret repeated with emphasis.

"I'm going to take a shower," Donna said, giving Harvey a quick peck on the forehead. "I won't be too long… go hide in the toilet or something, in my absence," Donna whispered and headed out the kitchen.

"I heard that!" Margaret yelled after her.

"Don't worry Mrs. Paulsen, I'm not going to the bathroom just to avoid you, I'm going because I actually need to–"

"Harvey," Margaret cut him off, her tone more serious than it had been in half an hour. "I know my daughter more than you think. She's not completely there yet. She's good at hiding how she feels. Remember that."

"Margaret, with all due respect–" Harvey began again but she cut him off still.

"I don't care, Harvey, mark my words. She. Is. My. Daughter!" Margaret said, staring at him; the possessiveness of her tone made him realize just how good of an actress Mrs. Paulsen was. Like mother, like daughter. "You haven't seen her like I've seen her for months. She never told me why you guys didn't work out. You have no idea how many times I asked her where you were and she never said a word. And to be honest with you, Harvey. I don't want to know. This is not my business."

"I don't mind telling you–" Harvey tried but to no avail.

"But I know about the pregnancy, Harvey. And it was easy enough to connect the dots. You were that baby's father. I've had to keep it a secret from her all this time because better I look the part of the awful mother than she."

"How did you figure it out?" Harvey asked, dreading the woman's answer.

"The thing about a woman going through a miscarriage is that no matter how many times they bleed, they still want to know if it isn't a mistake." Margaret let out.

"Pregnancy tests…" Harvey sighed, closing his eyes.

Margaret nodded and said: "She wanted that baby, Harvey. She wanted it so much and it literally killed her in front of my eyes. Day by day, my daughter became estranged to me. It took me months to get her back to hating me more than herself. And trust me, that's a difficult job to do, even for me. This is why I came into her room this morning. I was checking on her. Making sure she was alive and well. So imagine my surprise when I saw you in her bed this morning." Margaret caught the breath that had been stuck in her throat. She eventually added: "Don't you dare break her heart again. Don't leave her, Harvey. She loves you too much."

"I won't ever. But I want you to know why I wasn't around, Margaret," Harvey said.

"Like I said, it's none of my bus–" Margaret began but Harvey finished her sentence.

"Business, I know, but I'm gonna make it your business." He said, pausing and then sighed before adding: "I had a car accident and ended up in a coma."

"You're not kidding me, are you?" Margaret rhetorically asked, bewildered.

"I'm afraid not. Had I been able to wake up, move on my own…I would have come to her in a heartbeat," he explained and added, "and by the time I had woken up, Donna was mourning the loss of our baby and was incapable of facing me."

"I'm sorry," Margaret said.

"Don't be. I'm the one who's sorry – which is why I'm going to take care of her, Margaret," he said and added, "but I believe Donna is truly capable of taking care of herself like she always has. She just needs a little push. I'll get her back. I promise you."

Suddenly, Margaret moved closer into his personal space and gave him a thank-you hug, "You're just like James."

"Well, I'm glad I'm Mr. Paulsen in this story but I sure hope Donna isn't you because…" Harvey began, the corner of his mouth turning up into a smile.

"Yeah, she's never been into Italian guys," Margaret laughed slightly and added, "don't you worry, lover boy."

They remained like that for a moment until Margaret spoke again.

"We're really good at keeping secrets in the Paulsen family–" Margaret wished Harvey would finish that sentence for her.

And so he did: "Don't worry; I won't say anything about our current intimacy."

They let go of each other, laughing some more and both nodded in understanding. No need to dig up old wounds.

* * *

Donna hugged her mother on the porch while Harvey was putting her suitcases in the trunk.

"Please, don't forget to call Dad on his birthday next month," Donna said.

"Have I ever?" Margaret asked, hugging her daughter, trying to prevent the tears she knew were coming.

"Please, don't come visit too often, though," Donna said, smiling.

"Have I ever?" Margaret repeated and added, "Okay, now you two, off you go. I have to tidy everything up. The house's a mess really and Sebastiano likes a woman who can keep her house clean."

"Have you ever heard of normal no-mention-of-boyfriends goodbyes?" Donna asked, heading for the car.

"You know you wouldn't want me to do that!" Margaret let out, watching Donna chuckle at her. Donna turned around to offer her mother a smile which the older Paulsen promptly returned.

Donna went to sit in the driver's seat and watched Harvey shake her mother's hand from the rear view mirror. She gasped seeing the way she patted his back and how Harvey had concluded their little exchange: with a hug. That hug was more than endearing to Donna. It made her realize that her mother had truly been a blessing in disguise; one that had ensured her survival. And that she was passing her strength onto Harvey.

"What did my mom say to you?" Donna asked as Harvey joined her in the car.

"That if I ever hurt you she'd kill me," Harvey said with a frightened look on his face.

"Nah, she didn't say that," Donna shook her head as she started up the engine.

"No, she didn't," Harvey admitted.

"You're just a shitty liar, Big Apple man," Donna said.

"Guilty as charged, your honor," Harvey smiled.

"Shouldn't I file a subpoena first?" Donna said, pulling out into the lane.

Harvey laughed. He wasn't holding onto the car door holder the way he had yesterday when they had gone to the grocery store. He looked like he didn't give a care in the world. There were no demons. Just them and the road ahead.

Donna was feeling all of it, his laughter, his smile and his beautiful brown eyes. Everything about him made her feel good. The kind of good she had forbidden herself to feel. Because all she wanted at that moment was to come back to him. And slowly, she was.

* * *

 **Hit me with your best love (or hate!) xD**


	20. Chapter 20

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **This is the penultimate chapter of this fic. Please review and let me know what you think. And by review, I mean please review the hell out of it even if you hated it. I will upload the last chapter this week or at the beginning of next week.**

 **Thanks to all the people and 'guests' (whom I can't reply to) who reviewed the last chapters.**

 **Rating is between T and M, here.**

 **Author's note: you know, this story actually escaped me somehow. There are now parallels I hadn't even anticipated. Some of you might like the way this chapter works and unveils, some of you probably won't. But I really tried to give the characters some sort of free speech. The Harvey and Donna of the show are still present in this story but I also brought them to a different place; so of course they are bound to sound OOC sometimes.**

 **Writing this story has reminded me of English Lit classes I took at university. So thank you for reading this story cause it has brought me back to some of the things I learned and enjoyed learning and reading about back then. Still doesn't mean I know what the hell I'm doing or that I know anything about writing a story.**

 **Hope you guys enjoy this one. :) Yep, over 10,000 words, you read that right.**

* * *

"Home Sweet City of mine," Harvey let out as Donna stopped the car in the parking lot.

"So, what should I do about my car? And my apartment?" Donna asked, already feeling sorry for the car she had bought four months ago.

"Leave your car here. I have an unused spot…" Harvey said with a lump in his throat.

"Your Ferrari… right," Donna followed his trail of thoughts.

"As far as our living arrangements should go… I told you where I stand and what I want you to do," Harvey said. He had vowed himself that his own insecurities would never get in the way of them. "But we can take this slow."

"You mean that you want me to move in with you," Donna said, uneasy.

"Stop telling yourself that this won't work. You want to be with me just as much as I want to be with you; am I not right?" Harvey asked with a small smile.

"I want to be with you yes, but–" Donna said but Harvey ended the discussion completely.

"But, there's no but. You are moving in with me because I know how much you love my apartment; plus there are like four huge elevators," Harvey admitted, rubbing his legs.

"If you can call your bachelor's nest an apartment," Donna retorted with a fake smile even though she did in fact like his apartment. She loved hers but she felt she owed it to him not to put up a fight over something as trivial as this. Donna couldn't shake the inherent feeling behind her decision though. She knew that she wasn't being honest with herself. A feeling of longing set in. There were many good memories in her apartment but bitter ones as well. One of them still fresh in her mind and body.

"I'll call the movers in the morning," Donna said.

"Good." The corner of Harvey's lips turned into a smile. He was about to say something else when Donna cut in.

"I'm going to have to go back to work at some point," Donna said, staring at the wall in front of them.

"Not yet, please. I want you and I to take advantage of the little time we've got before I…" Harvey said, not sure whether he wanted to end that sentence or not.

"Before you what? Harvey?" Donna asked.

"Before the committee – disbarment hearing," Harvey said, feeling that telling her the truth was the best course of action even if it could jeopardize their reunion slightly. Just a small set back, he thought.

"What? How in hell did you not tell me about that? Harvey, you could still…" Donna asked.

"Still not be a lawyer, anymore?" Harvey said and added, "Yeah, it hasn't completely escaped me."

Her only issue was to have lost a baby; he had so many more, she thought – using the third person being a running-theme of hers. Distance yourself all you want Donna, she thought, you're not fooling yourself. The second person should have been put to better use.

"I didn't want to bring this up considering…" Donna sighed and asked: "When is it?"

"In two days," Harvey admitted. Her internal turmoil didn't go by unnoticed to him. He knew she was trying to undermine her own concerns and prioritize his issues over hers again. "Don't Donna…" Harvey's voice broke slightly, "Don't dwell on that." He took her hand in his and added: "You know what?"

"What?" she asked, sighing and tilting her head back.

"I'll call the movers right away so they can pick up your things tomorrow," he said and added, "and start up the car; we're going back to your place."

"What, why?" she asked some more, surprised at his sudden change of heart.

"Cause I don't want to lose another minute without you," Harvey said, giving the back of her hand a quick kiss. "So what do you say, roomie? Wanna do some packing?"

"Harvey we won't have time to pack everything up for tomorrow," Donna said, "I don't think I even have card boxes!"

"When you pay the movers the amount of money I'm about to pay them, trust me. They'll do the job for you," Harvey said, letting go of her hand.

"Then why did you even want to help in the first place," Donna asked, frowning.

"That was just an excuse to stay with you. I knew you would have gone back home alone if I hadn't brought it up," he said.

"So you're glad I broached the subject of our "living arrangements" as you call it." Donna realized.

"Why do you think I never brought it up?" Harvey winked at her and added: "Always try winning a no win situation by rewriting the rules."

Indeed, Harvey Goddamn Specter knew her too much. If a change of career had to occur, he wouldn't need to look very far: becoming a therapist would do just fine. But she shook that thought aside for he was a lawyer; her lawyer. And his mottos and one-liners were better than those of an actor's.

Donna's answer was to start the car. What Harvey didn't know though was that she never wanted to go home alone in the first place.

* * *

Harvey called the movers on the way over to her apartment. It would take a few days to take some of her things to a storage unit and the rest of her stuff to Harvey's. He had told them he would pay a little extra if they could deliver card boxes as well because, according to him and his cheeky attitude, four definitely weren't enough to pack at least twenty-two years of adulthood.

Later that evening, a variety of songs played on her portable speaker, ranging from tunes she liked to tunes he liked with a good amount of teenage songs they'd poured their younger hearts out to in the 80s. They had spent most part of the evening going through her closet, packing dresses up. She had so many; alongside were a few pant suits, pairs of jeans and tracksuits. Working girl heels and shoes; she had three pairs of her favorite nude pumps. Clothes went in suitcases but the shoes would have to go into those card boxes. _That_ is what packing in a hurry feels like, Harvey guessed.

"I knew there were some things missing in my closet," Harvey said, cutting a piece of tape with his teeth.

"Does that scare you?" She asked, folding a pair of jeans.

"That piece of tape in my mouth, you mean?" He mumbled.

She rolled her eyes at him and took in her surroundings. There was something missing. And through gritted teeth, she added: "No but that deadly heel near your feet should."

"Oh, sorry, forgot to put it in!" he said, leaving the piece of tape on the edge of the table next to him. He placed the shoe in the card box and concluded that little exchange: "See, I don't get scared that easily."

It was dark outside when Harvey suggested they eat something. He left her apartment and went to the Five Guys Burger on 7th. The weather was warm and the air hotter than it had been in days. Was it just the weather or was he recovering more quickly? Harvey thought.

Donna was rummaging through her things when he came back and literally – albeit in a sweet and attentive sort of way – ordered her to sit and have dinner with him.

"Almost done!" she said.

He sat at the table and began eating, "Hmmm, God… you know this is the first real fast food hamburger I've had since the accident. And trust me; it beats everything on a high price menu."

He moved to where she was, sat on the floor next to her and offered her a bite of his hamburger. "Taste this and let me know what you think."

That gesture took her aback. She had never shared food like that with him before.

"Come on, as far as I know hamburgers don't bite," he said, giving her a small smile.

She ate a bite. The hamburger was so good she closed her eyes and the warm taste made her forget the novelty of their situation. Chewing slowly, she moaned in approval: "So…good."

"Told you, now let's have that meal at the table," he said, getting up. But when he did so, he felt an electric sort of pain in his backside and dropped the aluminum-wrapped hamburger.

"Harvey! Are you okay?" Donna asked standing up suddenly, her voice tinged with alarm.

"I'm okay, don't worry," he said, regulating his breathing and added, "it's just a little reminder that I need to go to physical therapy in two days."

As he was saying it, he realized Madonna's Live To Tell was playing in the background. He couldn't help but break the tension by doing some air-guitar. He then raised his hand into a fist, holding an invisible mic. Slightly amused, he sung in a high pitched and exaggerated voice: " _I have learned my lesson well,_ _Hope I live to teeeeelllll_ … how it went!"

With a glimmer in her eyes, she began to laugh at his awful singing. She had noticed a few times already that the pain he felt sometimes was vivid; it wasn't tearing him apart though. He made it seem like his near-death experience hadn't affected him. Of course he cared. He'd gone through death but he could joke about it like no one else. And the best thing was that he was allowing her in on it; sharing it all with her.

Dropping his invisible mic to the floor in fake defeat, he sighed and pointed at the hamburger on the rugged floor before saying: "I guess that hamburger's done for the count."

"Want some of mine?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him.

"See, that's why buying food for two is awesome," Harvey smiled his brightest one yet.

"Couldn't you be more obvious?" Donna shook her head in disbelief.

"Right now, you wouldn't have me any other way," he said, his tone serious.

"Especially when you sing Madonna songs," she chuckled and he threw his invisible mic at her.

They ate and talked about movies, songs and books for what felt like hours. Harvey went on and on about how underrated _Vision Quest_ was.

"1985! Can you believe that? I was 13 when it came out. I wanted to be Louden and be with Carla!" Harvey let out.

"There's a reason why they are called coming-of-age movies, Harvey, it is so that we forget we ever went through those years," Donna retorted.

"You _know_ there is a Madonna song in that movie," Harvey said, pointing the finger at Donna, "convinced beyond reasonable doubt, I am."

"Stop, Yoda-ing me with your trivia bullshit," Donna let out, amused.

"Admit it, besides, you got the VHS in your room; I saw it." Harvey said, giving her a wide range of looks to force it out of her.

"I won't _negate_ knowing the movie. But–" Donna admitted, unfazed before he cut her off.

"Huh-huh, no buts!" Harvey stated and added, "You know it, I know it, and you're a silent fan. Your mom probably didn't want to buy it for you because of the raunchy sex scene. So you used all your savings to buy it secretly."

"She bought it and thought the sex scene didn't reveal enough," Donna cringed at the memory.

"You've rewinded the hell out of this one. Come clean, right now!" Harvey smiled, pleased with himself.

"It is underrated," Donna sighed in defeat.

Harvey had no idea how much of a Madonna fan Donna actually was. She suggested they change playlists but he refused.

"It has something to do with your name, right? Madonna… Donna," he frowned, his gaze an unspoken question.

Donna had a guilty look on her face, bit her lower lip and said: "She and I are very good friends."

"You know you're a redhead? It doesn't work," Harvey said, unconvinced with an exasperated look on his face.

"Sharing a name is enough, looks don't matter," Donna puckered her lips and placed the back of her hand under her chin.

"Get out! I'm sure you dyed your hair blond at some point in your teenage years." Harvey narrowed his eyes.

Donna's eyes lit up and smiled, saying: "A teenage girl never tells…"

One particular subject drove Donna crazy though:

"Okay, I get the _Clueless_ love now, but you really don't look like the kind of guy who likes _The Princess Bride_ ," Donna said, amused.

"Prepare to die, Donna!" Harvey said, rising up from his chair and motioning his hand as if he were holding a sword.

"Oh God," Donna stated, feigning embarrassment. As if on cue, Madonna's _Crazy For You_ fromthe movie _Vision Quest_ started playing.

"Because good guys kill bad guys in that movie! And they feel awesome about it! Inigo Montoya is my hero," Harvey explained.

"I just want you to feel you're doing well. I hate for people to die embarrassed," Donna quoted as well, feeling empowered by her own power ballad, meeting his eyes with her own intensely.

"Game on, woman," Harvey said, startling her by pulling her out of her chair and then quoted as the corners of his eyes crinkled, "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to kill you."

Donna smiled a pearly white smile and readied herself for the movie quote challenge – his favorite pastime, and said, "You seem a decent fellow. I hate to die."

"Please consider me an alternative to suicide?" Harvey quoted some more, moving closer to her.

"Inconceivable!" Donna let out and laughed. Harvey muzzled her laughter with a sudden kiss, grabbing her lips with his own. He pulled her into an embrace, hanging onto her upper arms.

"I love you," he said, his mouth glued to hers, humming against her own moans.

He'd taken his chance, making the most of the song he knew had begun to play at least a minute ago. He knew he shouldn't have. He promised he would take it slow and bring her back to him slowly but his plan had changed course. For the way she looked, her smile, her eyes, their earlier conversation and banter, that song, everything, really made it impossible for him not to be forthcoming. Just like the song, every breath made him feel deeper into her. He knew he never wanted anyone like this: body and soul. The vigor his tongue graced the inside of her mouth was his way of showing her how crazy he was for her.

She realized, against her better judgment that all her senses were on alert. The way he was holding her against him and how his mouth possessed hers had her weak in the knees. The initial shock had made her close her eyes but she had opened them again and had stared at his closed ones. She realized this kiss was different than the one they had shared the night before. He had initiated it again but it was intense, so damn full of passion that it reminded her of what couples do. She hadn't forgotten, she was no ingénue, but her retreat had shielded her from her own desire, from what normal forty-something year old women want. She had helped and led him on with the quotes though; and that song, she knew it was her fault the moment he began kissing her neck. She could see the burning fire in his dilated pupils. She wanted to give herself to him. She wanted to enjoy this but her mind was already going places the feeling of him couldn't erase. Her apartment, this room and then her room. Blood. It was all coming back to her; it had come crashing down like a wave – one of disillusionment. She rejected him instantly. Pushed him away again. Her forcefulness startled him on the spot.

"Donna, did I… did I do something wrong?" he asked, watching her go turn off the sound speakers.

"I'm sorry, Harvey, it's not you, it's…this fucked up place," she said, almost yelling.

"What do you mean?" Harvey asked, watching her walk away from him and taking a turn aimlessly about the room.

"This is where I… where I…," Donna trailed off as tears began streaming down her face.

"Donna… don't shut me out, not now," Harvey stated.

"I'm not feeling like me, like the woman I should be. I'm not ready to be this way with you, Harvey," Donna explained, "not like this."

"Is this about your miscarriage," Harvey asked.

"In part," Donna admitted.

Staring at the ground floor beneath him, he added: "I'm sorry for coming at you like this, it's just that I was feeling good about myself, we were having a moment and I…"

"I want it too, Harvey and I know it's stupid but I feel as if it would make me forget it ever happened and my body, I just… it's like, I don't trust it anymore," Donna admitted.

"It's not stupid," Harvey countered.

"I know, Harvey," she said, cutting him off and added, "and I don't want to hurt your feelings. Just, not here. Not tonight."

"Hey, I don't need to have sex with you to let you know how much I love you," Harvey stated, his tone dead serious.

Donna sized him up and said: "But it bothers you, I can tell."

Harvey sighed and said, scratching his hair: "Of course it does!" He paused and licked his lips before adding: "It's just that I haven't been able to feel this way for months and you, here, with me, it made me realize how I'm still a fucking able-bodied man. I felt it with you coming out of the shower the other day. Feeling like a man again… that's important to me. That coma could have fucked me up for good but you; you're making me feel like I could taste you the whole night through."

"I didn't realize that you might have not…" Donna began but he cut her off.

"Sex is not the first thing you're going to think of when someone's being brought back from the dead; finding my way back to you was the only thing that made me keep going," he explained and continued, "you have to understand that some part of me will always try somehow to get back at you for leaving me. But I'm fighting it because the idea of getting you back was what brought me back. You brought me back. And right now, your refusal to have sex with me makes me want to have sex with you even more. And _that_ bothers me because I know I shouldn't prioritize my need for you over yours for me."

"Do you want me to stop overthinking this?" Donna said, staring at the floor, unsure of how she could do that.

"What? No," he said, shaking his head. "But sex has always been rough between us and there is this twisted thing called domination between an employer and their employee and it's something I've always felt when I was angry at you, especially when you were so damn right about me…"

Donna's eyes went wide, remembering their working days together, the feelings behind every word and sentences they had uttered. He was right. Their relationship was the healthiest and most dysfunctional one she had ever been into. She loved him as her kind boss. She loved him as her awful boss. She loved him as her friend. She loved him as her enemy. She loved him as her lover. She loved him when he was with other women. And he loved her all the same.

"You have more control over me than you might think. I never allowed you to have control over me, you just did… and it's always been such a turn on. I think you've enjoyed the way we controlled each other too; which is why sometimes, like right now, I just don't think, I act impulsively as if we were back into our old routine."

"I don't mind it being rough, Harvey but that's what we've always been doing. Whether it was with verbal exchanges or else. This attraction… it always hurts with us if we're not careful," Donna admitted, holding her upper arm, protectively and added, wishing he would understand her ambivalence on the delicate subject, "But I felt that moment too, you know."

"You have?" Harvey asked, surprised by her answer.

"I really… really liked that kiss," Donna said and sighed, "over the years, you've offered me respect and love. And when I asked to be recognized for all the things I've done for you and the firm, that didn't mean I wanted to discard our former relationship. Never have I not liked working for you and daydream about you and… well, you know the rest."

"Power play," Harvey acknowledged.

"Always," Donna agreed.

"We can make out some more before going to bed if you want," Harvey waggled his eyebrows at her.

"Harvey…" Donna sighed, tilting her head to the side.

"I know… I know but you're a fool if you think I'm going to sleep on that couch, I'm done with couches," he said.

Donna smiled and said, holding out her hand, "Let's go to bed."

"Donna?" Harvey asked, tugging at her hand to make her stop.

"Yes?" Donna asked.

"Are we okay?" Harvey asked, tentatively.

She moved closer to him, closed her eyes and kissed his bottom lip. She then took a step back and nodded yes.

"I wish I could have been here with you," he admitted, sadness over their loss clouded his features.

A longing stare and a hand squeeze later, they walked towards the bedroom.

In the words of _The Princess Bride_ 's William Goldman, Donna said to Harvey's sleeping form: "Good night, Harvey. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." She kissed his cheek one last time before closing her eyes. He tasted so sweet. It hurt her just a little. Feeling guilty to be with him; guilty to have him all to herself once again.

* * *

The movers came early in the morning and did more than movers were supposed to. Harvey wanted to be the extremely generous one but Donna reminded him that she had once given him a check for half a million dollars. Money had never been something they had to discuss or an issue – except when he'd given her bonuses, when she went to work for Louis, her good or potentially disastrous investments. Or that time when Malik had brought up the fact that she was unable to supplement her income fully as a waitress and made that awful comment about her sleeping her way to the top. He had a lot more money than her. But he had given her money. More than anyone could have hoped for in her situation. Had he done it because she was good at her job? Yes. Had he done it because she wasn't a normal secretary? Of course he had. Had he done it out of love for her? Probably, he thought. He said something about her being his kind of woman before answering a call. With Donna's approval and subsequent check, the movers began packing what was left to pack. They said it would take them the entire day to move her necessary items to his place, and the ones they had agreed she wouldn't move to his apartment, to a storage unit.

Harvey hung up the phone and watched Donna boss the movers around. He could see her brighten with every decision made. It made him feel like an idiot for the sex fiasco of the night before. He wanted her. That fact was obvious to him but somehow oblivious to her at first. Then they talked and everything turned out for the best. He felt broken and wanted her to make him feel whole again. But she was broken too; just like her mother had warned him about. She didn't know what it was like to feel the way he felt and he sure as hell didn't know what it felt like to be her. What he knew for certain though was, that no matter how many times he would tell her it didn't matter, he had to show her he wanted to spend as much time with her as possible.

He told Donna he had to go see Mike but that he wanted them to meet up later in the evening.

"Okay, I'll wait for you at your place," Donna said.

"No, meet me at Eleven Madison Park at 7," Harvey said and added, "I made a reservation."

"How did you swing that? You know it took me months to get you one a few years back," she asked surprised he was able to save a table in such short notice.

"Well, ever since you stopped working for me, I've had to fess up and learn how to be you and say things like: 'remember my wife, Harriet Specter? She called you a couple of years ago to make a reservation…" Harvey shrugged all too pleased with himself.

"How…" Donna gasped and asked, wide-eyed, "how do you know about that?"

"I know a lot of things," he said with a smug look on his face.

"Stop acting all mysterious, Harvey," she said giving him a kiss goodbye and added, "I'm calling Rachel and I promise you, I will get to the bottom of this. Now go see your Robin, or should I say POML."

It was Harvey's turn to gasp and feel astonished.

"Now, I feel violated," he said, his eyes were just as wide as hers.

"Payback's a bitch," Donna said, nodding. She smirked when he turned around, still in shock, walking out the door slowly, looking back at her and calling her out with his eyes on her meanness.

Donna left the movers for a moment to call Rachel. She hadn't had the woman on the phone in a very long time. Except for a handful of texts letting her know she needed more time alone. The younger attorney picked up the phone.

"Who is this woman and why is she calling her best friend?" Rachel joked trying to alleviate the words they both knew were long overdue and that would sound apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Rachel for not calling you sooner," Donna said.

"That's okay, I told Mike I hated you a couple 'times for putting me into this mess. I told Harvey I hated him too and look where this got us! You're finally calling me back," Rachel admitted.

"Harvey told me. I'm sorry about the way he spoke to you to get to me," Donna said.

"You know, Donna, I don't care about that right now because you're saying things like 'Harvey told me' and you are back to apologizing for him," Rachel explained.

"I don't understand," Donna lied with a small smile.

"Oh, you do know what I mean and you know I'm having a blast thinking about your happiness," Rachel admitted.

"So you never really minded telling him where I was?" Donna asked.

"I did mind because you were hurting, but so was he. I also knew that if it were me, I would have wanted you to do the same for me and Mike," Rachel explained.

"Thank you for not respecting my wishes, Rachel," Donna said, a single teardrop rolled down her face.

"Speaking of wishes… how was the make-up sex?" Rachel asked sensing it was time to switch the tone of this conversation back to girlfriend-mod.

"Not there yet," Donna chuckled sadly.

"How come? I thought you guys would be in the throes of passion by now!" Rachel asked.

Rarely had so many naïve assumptions about love resulting into sex been addressed into such a short amount of time. It irritated her slightly but she also knew it wasn't her friend's fault. On the contrary, she figured the younger woman might be able to help her.

"He wants me and I want him but I just, I don't feel normal, like there's something that's been torn apart inside me, Rachel," Donna replied.

"I don't know what it's like to lose a baby, Donna, but I do believe you have to just get over it, I mean, you went to the doctor and they said everything was fine down there, right?" Rachel asked without filters.

"I guess so," Donna let out, slightly surprised at her friend's choice of words.

"Forget I'm your BFF for a moment and that I want to help you through this with nice words of comfort, and leave you to wallow in self-loathing until you fade into a flood of analysis. I'm a woman too and we have needs. And I'm telling you, you want to feel that way again? Forget there was ever a child inside of you," Rachel said.

"Rachel, I don't think I can…" Donna trailed off but her friend kept going anyway.

"No, Donna. You don't want my pity. You don't want me telling you it's okay to feel the way you feel. You want me to tell you that at some point you're going to have to start trying to make another one with him – even if it means never having a kid in the end," Rachel said without filters, "Because as much as nature, instinct or even scriptures say we have to procreate, it's not the main reason why we make love."

"You know you're so full of bull–" Donna began but Rachel finished that sentence for her.

"Bullseye!" Rachel let out, "There, Donna. I'm calling you out on your bullshit. I'm telling you to stop feeling guilty. You might not be completely there yet but if there is one man in the world who can wait for you, it's Harvey. So, stop feeling so damn guilty about wanting to feel something other than pain."

"Thanks," Donna said after a few seconds, her friend's words hard to hear but poignant nevertheless.

"I'm glad you enjoy me calling you out on your… eye," Rachel said.

"He's taking me out, tonight," Donna said, her voice frail,

"And this scares you how?" Rachel asked, concerned. "Where's he taking you?"

Donna shrugged off her first question and bounced back: "To a place only _you_ know how I got a reservation to."

"I have no idea what you mean," Rachel said, innocently and added, "and even if I did, do you really think Harvey needs to use that line to get reservations? He can get a table anywhere he wants."

"You didn't tell him," Donna stated, doing the math. "Mike told him, meaning you told Mike, meaning our secret's out in the open. You sneaky little–"

"Focus on what's important!" Rachel cut her off. "Harvey Specter's alter ego needs a nice dress for tonight," Rachel said cheerfully and added, "Madison Avenue, here we come. I'll meet you in front of 747."

"You really think a $2000 Alexander McQueen dress is–" Donna began to ask but her friend cut her off again.

"YES, it is going to make everything better! Because that way, Michelle Ross gets to do something she hasn't done in months. She gets to accompany Harriet and buy herself something cute for her upcoming honeymoon."

After a few seconds of static noise, Rachel called her friend: "Donna?"

"I told myself I would never do it the way other women did," Donna said and warned her friend, "please turn the volume of your speaker down."

Donna greeted the news of her friend's upcoming wedding with one of the squeakiest screams she had in her.

* * *

To Alexander McQueen they had gone. To buy a moss-green V-neck wool-blend sleeveless dress worth $2285 for Donna, they had. To a stop at Ladurée and buy macarons, they couldn't have said no to. But most of all, they had shared an afternoon of memories walking up and down Madison Avenue. Riveting and precluding anything Harvey-heavy. A perfect afternoon until she would have to go home, change and get ready for her date with Harvey.

"You know the movers are probably done moving my entire wardrobe by now," Donna told Rachel while eating a raspberry macaron.

"I guess every step forward gets you further away from potential step-backs," Rachel acknowledged, eating her chocolate one.

"Eleven Madison Park is close to where he crashed, you know that, right?" Donna said, sighing in defeat for bringing him up in conversation.

"I do," Rachel admitted.

"Do you think he has thought about that?" Donna asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I think he just wanted to take you somewhere nice before the hearing tomorrow," Rachel said and added: "It'll be your first real date. You don't want all that to ruin the evening, do you?"

"No, of course not," Donna said. Fear crossed her face when she added: "It's just that, for the past few days, I've been feeling like he's the well-adjusted one, with his feet firm on the ground… like he's okay with maybe not being a lawyer anymore."

"Donna… he hasn't been a lawyer in over six months and the only thing that kept him going wasn't the law, it was you. I know because Mike spent a lot of time with him when the clinic allowed him to visit again," Rachel explained and paused before adding, "so yeah, maybe he'll never get over it but you need to be able to support him if he can't practice anymore."

Donna's jaw clenched, her anxiety getting the better of her.

"It's 5:30, you should go get ready," Rachel said and added, "let's get a cab."

* * *

Mike had taken the afternoon off to spend time with Harvey. The younger attorney had made it its life plan to fight the disbarment if necessary.

"I don't mind taking my name off that wall if it comes down to it, Mike," Harvey said and added, "Yours should stand next to Louis's."

"I don't care, Harvey. Now that you're back, we're fighting this," Mike stated, determined.

"Don't," Harvey retorted. "What's the point of making more money? This morning, I actually realized I've more than I need for five lifetimes."

"It's not just about the money, Harvey," Mike explained.

"No, it's not. I want to live my life, Mike. My real life," Harvey agreed.

"Okay, who are you and what have you done to my friend?" Mike asked, sipping a cup of coffee.

"You should think about that too, Mike. Do you ever want to have kids? Because if you do, don't make the mistakes I've made. At least you're with Rachel which is a good thing." Harvey explained, warming his hands with his mug.

"You've made no mistake, Harvey," Mike tried to say but Harvey wouldn't hear it.

"I have, Mike. I waited years to be with the woman I should have been with since day one. There's this huge possibility that she and I will never have kids of our own. But I can't lose her, you understand and I certainly can't have her resent me for that or I'll lose her forever," Harvey said.

"Why are you so afraid she'll leave you, Harvey?" Mike asked, bewildered and added, "This is the kind of shit that consumes you, like thinking about whether you should still be a lawyer or not and make you do reckless things like…"

"Crashing my car?" Harvey asked, clenching his hand into a fist. "Maybe you're right but I remember giving you a zealous speech on that when I was in my wheel-chair and I don't think you listened clearly."

"I did, Harvey! You told me your brain went into some sort of overdrive about Donna and your job," Mike let out and added, "but it's done, you got her back and you should just focus on the task at hand which is to be with her like any normal boyfriend would."

"She's not just a girlfriend, she's the woman who carried my child for Pete's sake and… I wasn't there!" Harvey let out, frustration and anger evident on his face.

"I didn't know…" Mike stated, dumbfounded because of the news more than at his friend's sudden outburst.

"I'm trying to act all freaking strong for her, I'm doing my best to make it seem as if it doesn't affect me but it does and I have all these feelings inside of me that tells me to stop thinking like a damn woman and do what I'm supposed to do which is to be the man she needs," Harvey said and kept going: "I asked her to move in with me, I'm imposing ideas and needs upon her, I'm…"

"You're trailing off, Harvey," Mike stated, and added: "You're gonna have another stroke if you don't calm the hell down right now."

Harvey pursed his lips and inhaled until his lungs couldn't take it anymore.

"Are we feeling better?" Mike asked and Harvey nodded yes. "Okay, now continue and stop thinking your life resonates with Murphy's Law."

"How can I help her come back to me if I can't even help myself?" Harvey asked.

"You just let things take their natural course. If you reach an impasse, just do the first thing that comes to mind and man up. Accept the mistakes you make." Mike said and added, "But I don't think you can be with Donna if you're not a lawyer. Because being a lawyer is the person she helped you become. And she made you a better man."

"I thought you were the one who taught me how to care," Harvey stated, doubtful.

"Think of it this way, who figured Rick Sorkins aka me would be a good fit to you? Who's been at your constant beck and call years before you teamed up with me? She was your first teammate. She has always known what was best for you. Your relationship is actually worse than fated. It's royally fucked up, paved in trodden and yet untrodden ways because you guys have been stuck in this bubble of knowledge for years; and you're finally bursting it open and it's hard and it sucks sometimes but you're finally there."

"Despite the fact that you're using words I haven't heard spoken since Twelfth grade, are you saying women make us who we are?" Harvey asked, the corner of his lips turning into a smirk. "Cause from what you're saying, I have to woman up."

"You're ready, Harvey. Just make her see that she is too. I won't mention the sexist comment, don't worry," Mike smiled at his friend and nodded to confirm the secret was safe with him. "So, about that appeal."

* * *

There was nothing here at all. Harvey didn't enjoy the feeling of the place as much as he had a few years back. They had redecorated but it wasn't even that. Drinking his Macallan, he was reminiscing over the fact that he had become someone. He had told himself to be something. He could buy anything his heart desired; the coma hadn't killed him but he still felt like he was caving in. He had always come to such places to win or celebrate a win. He didn't feel like winning; not even tonight of all nights. It didn't feel real; the suit didn't feel like body armor anymore. And then the restaurant hall switched from a black and white photograph to an Impressionist painting. With his own eyes, he could make out small, thin, yet visible brush strokes that incorporated spindly stilettos, pearly legs, fiery red hair and an incredible green-moss summer dress.

When she entered the lauded restaurant, her heart stopped. She hadn't been ushered to the table yet that she saw him stand up. The weight of his stare was too heavy to allow her to ever walk again.

Not even the beauty of the place which overlooked Madison Park with its large mirrors reflecting the natural light from the park. Not even the pendant lights, neither the furniture's earthly color nor the leaf veining patterns could compete, Harvey thought. This is what… who he wanted. The place wasn't the fairytale, she was. The office wasn't either, she was. Neither her apartment, nor his, she was. She was. Another month, a year, it didn't matter. The anticipation, yearning for her touch, he didn't want it any other way. Hell was coming with him, simply because he could wait for eternity. There wasn't _nothing_ here at all anymore. His everything was here and he wanted her to win.

Donna walked up to him once her initial shock had worn off.

"Hi," he said offering her a seat.

"Hi," she said just as timidly as she felt he had.

"Would the lady like an aperitif? Champagne? A wine cocktail?" the waiter asked.

"Maccalan 18, neat," Donna said and watched the corner of Harvey's lips turn into a smug. "Stop gloating," she added.

"There's no word to describe how beautiful you look," Harvey said as his eyes bored into hers.

She blushed and said, giving him a half-smile, "I'm gonna need many more drinks to get used to those serious stares you've been giving me since I arrived."

"If you think I look half as good as you do, nod," he said, smirking.

She nodded her head in agreement more than twice and thanked the waiter who had just brought her the precious single malt before switching her gaze back to the man she was allowed to call her date for the first time in over thirteen years.

"Well, I'm wearing a $2250 dress so you'd better enjoy it," Donna gave him a cheeky grin.

"I'm wearing a $3200 Garrison Bespoke just for you," Harvey grinned back.

"My accessories top this," Donna countered, taking a sip from her drink.

"My cufflinks make us even," Harvey retorted as well, savoring his own malt.

"There's no price for my underwear though," Donna retorted watching him almost spit his drink. "What is it, Harvey? Afraid of escalation?"

Harvey had no intention of fighting her on the fact that she was drinking rapidly; she seemed to be enjoying herself, tormenting him. And that was all he wanted her to do. He wanted her to have fun.

They spent most of the evening discussing the silent couples around them and their poor waiter.

 _I think he likes you._

 _No, I think he likes_ _ **you**_ _._

 _Those cufflinks though, never understood why you liked them so much._

 _I'm a brand. Just like you're Donna._

 _I like it when you acknowledge my title._

 _I like the venue but the people, seriously Harvey? Did you even like this place four years ago?_

 _That woman over there seems to be enjoying herself!_

 _That's because that guy is playing footsie with her, she's about to get laid and get a whole load of cash for it._

 _That guy's my hero. You actually believe she's turned on?_

 _Harvey, please, the money's turning her on, but you know that so... The one to our right though, she's really into this guy._

 _You're good at this._

 _So, that's what you're doing. You're making me feel good about myself._

 _What are you planning, really?_

 _I'm planning on drinking more of that wine with you, act all standoffish and yet make you realize you're the only person I'm interested in._

 _How's the lobster?_

 _Delicious. What do you think?_

 _There are still like three courses to go but as long as I have room enough to eat, I will!_

 _Stop lying; you could finish off my plate. You hate having nothing to eat._

 _I don't understand those gourmet restaurants, really. They give you too little to eat._

 _We'll talk more about how your stomach feels when we reach dessert._

 _What did Rachel say to you to make you act so…_

 _So…?_

 _Like you._

 _It's our first date, Harvey. She encouraged me to move on; that all that's happened to us don't mean I can't be me with you tonight and after._

 _Look at this guy! He's ridiculous._

 _That escort's not sleeping with him._

 _Another one?_

 _Pardon my manners, friend, but this place is very well known for being an escorts den._

 _How do you know that?_

 _Please, let me enjoy watching you trying to figure that out._

 _You know that I know when you're messing with me, right?_

 _Why did you ask me on a proper date, Harvey?_

 _Because I want to be me with you; only this time in a place and situation where we should have been years ago._

 _Why haven't you mentioned the fact that you crashed a block away from the restaurant yet?_

 _Because there's no need. I didn't bring you here to get over some phobia. I did it because I wanted to take you somewhere nice. And this is the nicest place I know._

 _How's dessert?_

 _You were right, I feel like my stomach's about to explode._

 _Wanna go for a walk?_

 _Your bill, sir._

 _Tip him good, he was nice._

 _I would rather be home by myself than tip this guy well. He spent most of the evening entertaining the other tables rather than focusing on us._

 _That's because he can tell you and I are not like the other couples, Harvey. He knows you're not going to tip him as much._

 _And why is that?_

 _First of all, I'm wearing Alexander McQueen._

 _Second?_

 _I'm way too old to be an escort._

 _Still doesn't explain –_

 _He knows I'm still listening to what you're saying._

 _Woman number three near the bar is quite enthralled by this gentleman's company and captivated by his words. That's not what gives it away._

 _Because only a man in love could have stared at me the way you did the entire evening._

 _The Chef wants to offer you this orange liquor from his private cellar before you go._

 _That's very nice of him but I think we've had enough to drink._

 _Nonsense, the night's still young, Harvey, don't ruin all the fun._

 _I guess I don't have a choice!_

 _That's strong._

 _It's actually stronger than I thought it would be._

 _How about that walk in the park? And have all the alcohol in your system wear off?_

 _I'm not drunk._

 _I'm afraid you're going to understand that you are once you stand up._

* * *

They left the restaurant. Donna had no choice but to grab Harvey's arm to steady herself. There were no other words to describe her inebriated state: drunk.

"I love Midtown South," Harvey said, giving Donna his jacket fearing the summer night breeze could be hiding summer colds with their mean viruses.

"I've always wondered if it wasn't more like part of Grammercy Park or even the Flatiron district, really," Donna let out, her voice shaking.

Donna accepted it even though the amount of booze in her system didn't make it seem as if the weather was cold.

"It's Midtown South," Harvey repeated, the alcohol getting to his system a bit more than he thought it would.

"You're not funny," Donna said, "Let's go to Madison Square Park because that at least is considered part of the Flatiron district," Donna said, pulling Harvey towards the park entrance, only meters away from where he had crashed.

"Are we on a guided visit or something?" Harvey asked, smiling slightly at her.

"I just want to walk by your side, really," Donna said, resting her head on his shoulder.

"Let's walk, then," Harvey said, enjoying her red mane against his collar.

After a few minutes' walk, Harvey stopped, turned around to face Donna and looking heavenward before bringing his eyes back on hers, asked if he could kiss her. It surprised her completely.

"You know you can, why are you asking me?" Donna asked.

"'Cause it's you, Donna," Harvey said, barely above a whisper. He eventually added: "And this is it. I can't run away with my heart."

"Well you'd better do it now because I don't think I'll remember what you did in a few minutes," Donna eyed him with a knowing look.

He kissed her chastely on the mouth, her jawline protruding forth to meet his kiss. He laughed into the kiss and she followed him on. She grabbed the back of his neck and deepened the kiss. She tasted like alcohol but he didn't mind.

As her lips parted against his lips, she said: "Let's go home, Harvey."

She looked younger and definitely less alert than usual. He hailed a cab for them. They got in, enjoying each other's proximity. She was giving him chaste kisses on the neck; the kind that erased the pain he was feeling in his backside. Those kissing sounds put euphony first and desire second. Of course walking in this particular park had reminded him of a life that could have become extinct. But the evening had been perfect. He'd taken her to the best possible restaurant; the real dating Harvey Specter experience. It wasn't the kind of nights he wanted with her every night. But he knew she deserved it so much more than the women before her. The walk in the park, though, that was his kind of date. Under the moonlight, romantic as fuck, allowing his heart to beat faster than the day he rode his first bike. Allowing himself one moment of controlled uncertainty with her; the kind he figured they could have had a million years ago. As if they had been dancing, invisible to the outside world and to the pain that surrounded them; pushing and pulling with their kiss. Nothing short of scandalous to revel in the pain of loving someone you know is trying their best to show you they love you just as much despite everything. Everything.

He walked all the way up behind her, making sure she wasn't about to drop her purse or leave his jacket in the cab or on the way over to his – now their apartment.

He noticed she had taken off her heels in the hall.

"Hurry, Harvey," she said, having extended her arm over the elevator threshold. Dangling her keychain with the key to his apartment and chuckling. He got in before the doors closed in on them.

"There was no need for you to run, you know that," Harvey said, wide-eyed.

"I need to pee," she said.

"Then you could have gone up without me," Harvey said.

"Rule of dating number one, you cannot leave your date hanging or alone," Donna fake-pouted. Harvey pressed a kiss to her cheek in response.

"Yeah, didn't want to go home alone either," Harvey admitted, watching the elevator door open on his floor.

She opened the door to his apartment, dropped her shoes in the corridor and rushed to the bathroom and closed the door behind her. He put his jacket and her purse on the coffee table. And sat on the couch. He got rid of his tie and poured himself another drink. He wasn't about to serve her one though. He waited for her and drank some of his whisky. He could hear the sound of water running down into the bathroom sink.

Harvey couldn't be honest with himself. He didn't know how he wanted the night to end. Of course he wanted to make love to her. Of course he wanted to be a gentleman and allow her all the time in the world. He drank some more. What he wanted the most, however, was to let her make her own choices. He waited for her. He put his drink back on the coffee table and waited some more. Turning in his seat, he waited again and again until his eyelids began to feel heavy; and heavier.

The moistness he felt against his lips had shed light on his situation. He must have dozed off because when he opened his eyes, he quickly registered that Donna was on top of him, sitting on his lap, legs parted on each side, with her face barely inches from his. She was staring into the brown of his eyes and back to his lips and eventually bit at his lower lip. Advertising what she wanted to do with him – to him, she rubbed herself back and forth against his pants, explicitly; as if held at gun point, Harvey didn't seem to have a say in this.

Searching her eyes and tucking a lock of hair behind her left ear, he realized he had probably sent the wrong signal. She kissed him hungrily then, her hands caressing his late 5 o'clock shadow; she was already sending him over the edge. He cursed himself for enjoying this so much and pulling her towards him.

Harvey lay in a drunken sort of stupor as she began unbuttoning his shirt; he had no intention of rejecting her kiss nor her actions but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was off. And then he felt it. Resting the palm of his hand against hers, Harvey noticed the way her hand was shaking against his chest.

"Stop," Harvey said. But Donna kissed him harder. "Donna, stop!" He said, louder, yanking her hand away from his chest.

"I want this, Harvey," Donna said and added, trying to kiss him again, "I'm ready."

"No, you're not, you're just drunk," Harvey hissed, freeing himself from her grasp. "And so am I."

"Fuck you, Harvey!" Donna spat and added, "one minute you say it bothers you that I'm not ready and the next, when I am you, you tell me to stop?"

Harvey stood up and walked around the living room, scratching his head and eventually said, "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Donna said, rushing back to him. She touched his face lightly and then rested her hand on the exposed part of his bare chest. "We can go slowly, I don't mind."

"I don't want you, Donna," he said with a serious look on his face. "Not like this," he added.

"I'm not some piece of toilet paper you can clean your–" Donna yelled.

"You don't want to finish that sentence, Donna, trust me," Harvey cut her off. He heard her finish it anyway with "on a whim."

"I don't fucking care, Harvey, you're just as screwed up as I am for denying me the way you are now."

"Denying you? I'm not denying you, Donna. I'm barely holding it together as it is, Of course I want you but you don't really want me, you want to please me. It's this night and the entire fucking gallon of alcohol you've ingested tonight that's helping you!" Harvey spat as well.

"What if it is? It doesn't change how I feel about you!" Donna explained.

"Please, don't hate me," Harvey let out with a sigh. Donna was going to go all the way, unwilling to listen to him.

"Oh but Mr. Specter talks a big game with things like I need to dominate you and this is power-play," she countered, gesturing back and forth between them with her hand. "But you're just as scared as I am," Donna countered.

"I don't want you to get hurt regretting this," Harvey said.

Donna retorted: "Who says I'm going to get hurt? Or even regret it?"

"You haven't been lucid for at least two hours and counting," Harvey yelled back at her and added, "how do you expect me to act? Like someone who would take advantage of you?"

"No, Harvey, what you want is to feel like a man again and you asked me to help you get there," Donna said and added, "so what if I need a few drinks to get there, huh? Because maybe you haven't noticed but I might want to feel like a woman again too."

"Well, none of that is going to get us there! Fuckin is easy, talking is harder. We barely talked about us tonight except for a few comments here and there; care to explain that to me?" Harvey retorted.

"I needed this Harvey and you just took it away from me," Donna said, heading for the bedroom.

But he grabbed her hand and pulled her back to him, preventing her escape. "Tell me, why did you bring up the accident? Or acted like a fucking tour guide instead of enjoying the moment with me?"

"What do you think I've been doing when I wasn't thinking about your goddamn coma or my miserable self six months ago? I talked to the doctors, the medics and even the police. I retraced your steps; I did it to reconstruct the event, get some idea of what you had gone through. I went up and down that avenue, staring at that headlight, staring at nothingness or was it some bended light pole, can't remember." Harvey let go of her hand at her words. Her answer had him slump into a state of shock. "For days, I went back there, staring at it until they took it down and put another one instead. So seeing you barely acknowledging that you taking me there had some sort of meaning, I just… I don't understand." Donna explained.

"The accident isn't what defines me Donna, being a lawyer is and so is being with you," Harvey explained. "I just didn't think that… for you, I…" He then trailed off.

"That's what it is, Harvey," Donna began, "you didn't think. Just like you didn't think five minutes ago when you rejected me. I may be slightly drunk, Harvey, but I'm not drunk enough not to know that I needed a little boost and a little help to get through the night."

Harvey pondered in confusion, eyebrows furrowed.

"I enjoyed tonight a lot Harvey," Donna said, irritation pulling at her as she added, "I enjoyed it so much I wanted to let go of my fears and be with you. But you aren't over yours. I thought about it all day and then at the restaurant; the reason why you chose this place was to remind yourself of the person you were. Of course you wanted to take me somewhere fancy; you've taken me to fancy places before. You just never did it for yourself. Tonight you did it because you needed to remember that power; that power a man can have over a woman. And I was willing to embrace it and give it all to you."

"So according to you, I have this all wrong, right?" Harvey asked with an angry look on his face.

"This has nothing to do with sex. The only thing we've been arguing about is tomorrow's outcome, Harvey," Donna replied.

"Mike told me I can't be with you if I'm not a lawyer anymore," Harvey said, his voice breaking as a small tear fell from his right eye.

"Maybe you can't," Donna said, "but that's something I don't think I can live with knowing."

Donna paused and gave him a kiss on the cheek before saying in the way she had so many times before after an argument or a decisive moment in their relationship, "Goodnight, Harvey."

Donna retreated into their bedroom as Harvey stood, motionless, staring at his suit jacket and tie that were on the couch. Push and pull, Harvey thought. Like a kiss. Like uncertainty.

* * *

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	21. Chapter 21

**Young Hearts Fade into the Flood**

 **Unbeta-ed though. Sorry for that.**

 **Here it is, the last chapter of Young Hearts Fade into the Flood. Hope you like it. Not as long as promised but I've had a bit of a writer's block and tons of work. Hope you like it. Don't hesitate to review. I would really appreciate it: the good and the bad. :)**

 **Rating here is "M" for what it's worth.**

* * *

Chapter 21:

 _"So according to you, I have this all wrong, right?" Harvey asked with an angry look on his face._

 _"This has nothing to do with sex. The only thing we've been arguing about is tomorrow's outcome, Harvey," Donna replied._

 _"Mike told me I can't be with you if I'm not a lawyer anymore," Harvey said, his voice breaking as a small tear fell from his right eye._

 _"Maybe you can't," Donna said, "but that's something I don't think I can live with knowing."_

 _Donna paused and gave him a kiss on the cheek before saying in the way she had so many times before after an argument or a decisive moment in their relationship, "Goodnight, Harvey."_

 _Donna retreated into their bedroom as Harvey stood, motionless, staring at his suit jacket and tie that were on the couch. Push and pull, Harvey thought. Like a kiss. Like uncertainty._

Donna was twisting and turning in the bed. She didn't know how many times she had tried to close her eyes. She had lost track of time, not knowing whether she had slept even just a little or not. The pitch-dark night made her believe all sorts of things. One thing in particular: Harvey coming into the room, half-naked and burning with desire for her. Fully awake and feeling amidst a sweet dream and a nightmare, Donna jumped out of bed and mustered up the courage to go face him again. She was about to walk out of the completely dark room until she bumped into him, her chest colliding with his.

"You're here," she chocked and added, "didn't hear you."

"Been here for a while," Harvey admitted.

She couldn't see his face. He couldn't see hers either. She froze on the spot when she felt his hands fall gently to her waist, pulling her against him, pressing her hips to his hardened core. He gripped the hem of her shirt. It sent shivers down her spine and other places.

"What are you doing? I thought you…" Donna asked, feeling his touch on her skin as he was pulling her shirt up more and more.

"I'm doing the talking," Harvey let out, caressing her arms while slipping each sleeves off them and added softly, "I'm an idiot. Only the thought of you could put me back together again and I almost screwed that up tonight. Thank you for wanting me and doing everything you can to get to me." He discarded the piece of clothing, enwrapping her upper body with his chest and arms.

"I don't care who you are, I want you. I need to be with you," Donna said feeling desired and the upmost desire for him. The kind that had nothing to do with being tipsy; it was just her going into a sweet daze brought up by the darkness of the room, the sound of his voice and his touch. All these things were being eroticized to extremes. Wonderful extremes.

"Take your panties off," he said towering her and pressing her body against hers as if they could collide further into each other, forcing her to walk backwards towards the bed.

"Yes," she complied, biting her lower lip as she heard him do the same with his boxers.

"There isn't one second I'm not yearning for you," he said and added, "I know I don't deserve you. But I want to be able to tell myself one day that I do."

"Harvey...," she said searching for his face in with the dark with the palm of her hand, "if you could see my face right now, you would shut the hell up and kiss me."

Harvey took her violently in his arms, and shoved her onto the bed. Their exhilarated bodies writhed in sweet agony from more kissing and fondling of body parts. He could taste his favorite alcohol from her mouth. But it was her body sent and perfume that sent him raving about her. "You're beautiful. You smell so good," he had said. They were at their most serious. Never laughing. Never smiling. But they were happy. Lost in each other's touch. He caressed and licked her; she called his name multiple times. She took him in his mouth; he moaned, losing it. She climbed on top of him once or twice. His thrusts went from delicate to forceful and back to showing her how she ignited his soul. He pulled her back under him. He made her come once, twice until there was no point in counting. He felt the weight of the world disappear when he came inside of her.

Tomorrow was another day indeed.

Donna woke up to an empty bed and a vivid headache. She was exhausted from the lack of sleep. The good kind of exhaustion but headaches never felt good, whatever the cause. She remembered falling asleep next to him. Concerned, she put her bathrobe on and exited Harvey's bedroom and its white and grey-painted walls, wondering why he wasn't still in bed with her. She had taken a tumble and it seemed hard to get back up again. She noticed his clothes were on the couch but he was nowhere in sight. She was about to retreat into the bedroom to grab some aspirin when he opened the secondary bathroom door on the opposite side of the living room.

"Sorry, didn't mean to wake you up," Harvey said, pulling at the waistband of his pajama bottoms.

"You didn't," Donna said, hanging on to her bathrobe protectively.

"I have to go to physical therapy this morning," Harvey said, "I won't be home before the hearing so you'll have the apartment to yourself."

"I don't want to have the apartment to myself," Donna asserted, crossing her arms over herself as she watched him walk over to where his clothes were on the couch. The meaning behind her words hit him like a rock in the face.

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Harvey explained and slumped against the cushion on the sofa. He sighed and stated matter-of-factly: "You're angry I left the room."

"I won't mention how important it is to have a morning after but never mind, I'll go make some coffee, you can go take a shower if you want," Donna said, heading for the island counter.

"No need, I'll grab one at the rehab center," he said, taking his top off. She saw his reflection in the oven's glass-door. She turned around slightly and observed him; he wasn't as brawny as he used to look before the accident but definitely solid. Excitingly solid, yes, Donna thought. Scars on his chest and back; physical reminders of a loss that might have been. He put a white t-shirt on and as he pulled his bottoms down she turned around. Harvey noticed her reaction and decided against making a comment, putting his tracksuits on instead. Not everything was resolved between them. People who say 70% of a relationship revolves around sex are wrong. If sex is amazing it's just 30% of a relationship. The remaining 70% is about building a life together. Shitty statistics…, Harvey thought. Things that happen in the dark should remain in the dark, right?

"Do you... _want_ coffee?" Donna asked, making a fresh pot.

"Sure," he said and added, "one sugar's enough, now, though."

"Do you still want vanilla?" Donna asked, biting her lower lip for the splash of vanilla had always been her personal touch. She cursed herself for letting the cutting remark escape her.

"I always want vanilla," Harvey replied, signaling his full commitment to her despite their recent argument. His words froze her on the spot and she licked her lips before gulping unspoken words.

Heading into the bedroom, Harvey grabbed his favorite black Tom Ford suit from the closet. If today was his last day as a lawyer, at least, he would go out in style.

She poured him a cup of coffee, added two sugars and a splash of vanilla. He walked back into the living room at the exact same moment she wanted to head in again. She tried to move past him without a look but he grabbed her hand with his free one.

"Today's important for me Donna, I want you there… at the hearing." She could hear his voice crack and her eyes rose up instantly.

"I'll be there, Harvey," Donna said and switched her eyes from his and back to his firm grip on her hand.

"What I said last night," Harvey began, eyebrows furrowed in confusion and added, "I have no idea how to…"

"Harvey, don't. Don't try to have that talk with me. I don't have the key to our relationship. The only thing I can offer you right now is that mug, on the countertop," she said and watched him let go of her hand –not without difficulty and a good ten seconds. He then dropped his suit on the couch and walked to the kitchen island. He took the mug in his hand and drank the hot liquid.

"I thought I told you–" he said after one sip.

Donna cut him off, saying: "Harvey Specter doesn't drink his coffee with one sugar and a splash of vanilla. You're not alone, Harvey and you are definitely not just one person and I'm..." she trailed off and added, "So yeah, the metaphor aficionado in me doesn't want you to have just one sugar in your coffee. Sue me if you don't like it anymore, I don't give a shit."

"So this is all you have to offer right now?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

She nodded and said before closing the bedroom door behind her, "You made love to me last night, Harvey and whether you like it or not, you and I are in this together with our memories, our mistakes and good deeds. There are things I want to hold onto… especially things that have to do with you. Do you remember how good it felt to be this way? You and I? Me figuring out what you needed before you even had to ask. I wasn't wrong last night and you know it."

He stared at the door where she stood only a second ago; how her face looked younger for a minute and her slender figure less… nothing for she looked as perfect as ever to him. Time is not always of the essence.

"I do know it," he mumbled to himself before finishing his coffee, enjoying every single drop of it as if it were his last chance of drinking the beverage.

* * *

5 o'clock in the afternoon came faster than all of the PSL crew had thought it would. Harvey had gone to physical therapy and had had lunch with Louis to discuss his potential removal from the firm, Donna's future as COO and Mike's. Louis had told him he had tried, on several occasions, to enquire after the committee's decision but to no avail. Their lips had been sealed. Harvey had told Louis he knew he had done everything he could. Louis offered his services, alongside Mike's, to help him get his license back if the verdict weren't in his favor. Harvey never agreed to Louis's help but offered him a hug instead; this sign of affection had taken Louis by surprise and he had said, holding back tears: "I'll keep your buy-in anyway and manage your investments so you'll never have to feel scared financially at least."

"I know you will, Louis," Harvey had said and patted his friend's shoulder in a comforting way.

At around 3 PM, Harvey asked Mike to join him at the Harvard Club. A half hour later and two glasses of Mccallan in, Harvey began to panic, fiddling with this cufflinks.

"Is Louis really driving to Newark to pick Jessica up?" Mike asked, trying to divert his friend's attention from the main subject at hand: the hearing.

"Yes, why?" Harvey asked, letting go of his sleeves to finish his drink.

"Have you seen the way he drives?" Mike asked, with a scared look on his face.

"Says the guy who didn't have his driver's license until a few months ago and replies the man who had a car accident," Harvey replied.

"Good point," Mike said, realizing his joke hurt a little too close to home.

"Speaking of which, I asked Louis to make you name partner," Harvey let out.

"Wait? What? No, Harvey this is too…" Mike began but Harvey cut him off.

"He has been thinking about it for a while too so if you want to say no, make sure it doesn't have anything to do with my disbarment or that you believe clients still think you're a fraud and that it would tarnish the firm."

"But I can still say no, right?" Mike asked with a smug.

"Of course, it's a free country," Harvey said, seeming jaded and signaled the waiter to bring them two more glasses of scotch.

"I think you've had enough, Harvey," Mike insisted and called off the waiter.

"Why because I don't want to have to rack my brains over that incoming verdict," Harvey retorted

"It's never been a trial therefore it's not a verdict," Mike stated, shaking his head.

"Even so, it'll be a decision and a fact. A life altering one at that because I'll never be able to practice as a lawyer and I've no intention of becoming a fraud," Harvey countered, staring at the wooden table that stood between him and Mike.

"That was low! But I get it, you can't face it. So don't go! Hell, I'll give you their answer later," Mike said and added, "but if you go, stop drinking, man the hell up and face your future because the Harvey Specter I know wouldn't give up without even a semblance of a fight."

"I'd rather not know the outcome, I was fine with not knowing," Harvey said, furrowing his eyebrows.

"You're not afraid of the answer Harvey because you already know the answer," Mike began and added, "You know you'll always be a lawyer at heart but what you're afraid of is Donna's reaction; because it is the unknown. You've always been with her as a lawyer. The question you keep asking yourself is how can you be with her when you're not a lawyer?"

"And now you wish to tell me there is a problem with this question?" Harvey asked, knowing where his friend was going with this.

"Of course this is what I'm gunning for, you haven't been a lawyer with her ever since you woke up," Harvey stated.

"And look how that turned out!" Harvey lashed out.

"You got her back," Mike said.

"No, not really… she didn't really get _me_ back," Harvey countered.

"Well, maybe it's time she did," Mike finished.

"Are you saying I should commit to her?" Harvey asked before adding, "I told her I didn't deserve her last night."

"Haven't you been committed to her for thirteen years already?" Mike asked back but added before Harvey could say anything, "This has nothing to do with it; you want to know that she doesn't love you because she owes you her job and her money. You didn't buy her affection, Harvey. She loves you. And trust me, if there is one woman on this Earth who'll take the good and the bad, it's her. You've said it yourself; she places her loyalty to you above everything else,"

"How can you know all this?" Harvey asked, confused.

"Unless… unless this isn't about you deserving her," Mike trailed off before adding, "You doubt her loyalty. You've never doubted it before, why would you start now after everything? How can you separate love from loyalty?"

"She let me hang out to dry for six months, Mike!" Harvey lashed out on Mike, hitting the table with his fist.

"No, Harvey, she didn't think herself worthy of you," Mike explained.

"Why do you think I sped up with that damn car?" Harvey said, practically spitting on Mike.

"You were expected somewhere?" Mike asked with open palms.

"I had somewhere to go," Harvey admitted.

"Where you going there for her?" Mike asked with a confused look on his face.

"Of course I was," Harvey sighed.

"See Harvey? This, right here is your problem. I'm your friend and so is Donna; we're not here to play some fucked up board game with you. This isn't an enigma, this is your life with her we're talking about, be clearer," Mike said, angrily.

"Are you saying Donna and I don't communicate?" Harvey asked through gritted teeth.

"I'm saying you're way past the need to communicate," Mike laughed and eventually reasoned, "What you guys have been through speaks for itself. You need to take action."

Harvey swallowed nervously as actions he had envisioned taking were stuck in that car with him when his head was full of dreams. Harvey shook his head and told Mike he would meet him at the hearing.

"Say hi to Tiffany for me," Mike stated, watching his friend stand up from the corner of his eye.

* * *

Rachel had no idea how long she had been holding her best friend's hand in 26th floor assembly room. They had been in the hearing room for about an hour; maybe an hour and a half waiting for everybody else. As well as the man of the hour himself: Harvey Specter, as well as his not-so-criminal-anymore accomplice, Mike Ross. Many of Manhattan's top twenty attorneys were present – waiting for the man who had survived a coma to show up and see if he would fair just as well in the law department after today's decision.

"They're definitely not here to support him," Donna had told her friend, shaking.

"Some of them are here for the show, some just to see if he is disfigured or if the accident has changed him. But most of them are here because they want to know if they're going to have fight him and lose in court within the next twenty years or so," Rachel explained.

"He's not a freak of nature, he's only human; and Harvey can lose," Donna asserted, sighing.

"Yes but we've always been very good at hiding that fact because when Harvey loses, he always does it to help us win in another area," Rachel said, squeezing her friend's hand in reassurance.

"Like when he dropped the Liberty Rail case, letting them get away with murder to save me?" Donna asked, quirking an eyebrow and added, "You know that's when he first told me he loved me."

"You never told me it was the first time he'd said it," Rachel replied and gave her friend a smile that meant she was expecting more information.

"And I never told you how much I wanted him to stay that night," Donna said, trying to focus on positive thoughts.

* * *

Craig Seidel, Anita Gibbs and the rest of Character and Fitness committee sat down on their chairs. Donna began to panic for Harvey was still a no show.

"Is Mr. Specter in the building?" Craig Seidel asked the PSL crew.

"I saw him earlier, sir," Louis replied.

Mike stood up next to him and added: "Saw him over an hour ago, he should–"

"This hearing is about him, Mr. Ross," Anita Gibbs began and added, "we all have work to do or lives to go back to, so we will begin without him. Mr. Seidel?"

"Fine, hopefully he'll be here before we give our decision," Seidel continued.

"Shouldn't Mr. Malik be present as well?" Rachel asked, standing up as well.

Donna couldn't help but look at all her besties and think how protective of Harvey they all were. She admired them so much. She only wished she could display the same amount of strength for him.

"Miss Zane, Andrew Malik was made aware of our decision a few hours ago and decided, out of respect for Mr. Specter not to show," Gibbs explained.

"Out of respect? What the hell is this?" Louis asked in disbelief.

"Mr. Litt, I cannot hold you in contempt since this isn't a court nor am I judge, but I can have you removed from this assembly if I have to," Seidel explained.

"Then I will ask for a review. I'm doubtful as regards the partiality of this jury. Mr. Litt is right to question the legality of the decision to tell Mr. Malik," Jessica jumped in.

"That won't be necessary; I'm ready to hear whatever they have to say," Harvey suddenly appeared in the doorway, surprising the crowd. He moved past many lawyers who were gauging his every move, eyeing him suspiciously. Harvey didn't seem to care. Instead he winked at Louis and walked up to where Donna was seated and asked the gentleman to her left to exchange seats with him which the gentleman inevitably agreed to.

"Mr. Specter, you should come and sit over–" Gibbs began but was cut off by a very polite and gentle Harvey.

"I'm fine where I am, Miss Gibbs, if you don't mind?" he asked, taking Donna's hand, covering it with both of his; holding it close to his right thigh.

"As you wish, Mr. Specter," Anita said. Her face was impossible to read.

"Mr. Specter, as you already know, in light of the particulars surrounding your situation we decided to wait before giving you our decision," Seidel began and added: "I will begin with the decision we took eight months ago."

"It's okay, I loved you before, I love you now and I'll love you–" Donna said, feeling Harvey's hand squeezing hers mechanically.

He gulped once or maybe twice waiting for Seidel's words and eventually cut her off: "Cheesy, much?"

"Stop squeezing my hand and grow a pair then," Donna replied with a smirk, squeezing his hand in return.

"It was the jury's unanimous decision to suspend your license indefinitely because of your personal conduct on several occasions. Eventually, Mr. Malik appealed for a complete disbarment," Seidel continued and added: "Miss Gibbs, please continue since you are the one dealing with Mr. Malik's appeal."

"Thank you Mr. Seidel," Anita Gibbs began and added: "Mr. Malik indeed asked for a complete disbarment with additional evidence against Mr. Specter."

Harvey stared into Anita Gibbs' eyes and noticed something different about her; something soft had emanated from her usually unfazed and sometimes harsh features. She took off her glasses and said: "You know I don't particularly hold you in my heart, Mr. Specter but seeing you today makes me see why my decision was the right one to make. You're a fighter Mr. Specter and you are still standing before our jury; a jury of your pairs. You're not fighting us, you're fighting for yourself. Mr. Malik tried to fight our decision on unfounded accusations; therefore I rejected his motion to appeal. My sincere congratulations on your recovery, Harvey," Anita Gibbs switched her eyes back onto Seidel, signaling for him to continue.

"Today is your last day of suspension, Mr. Specter," Seidel began and added: "Last day as a free man and as of tomorrow, you are or should I say you will be a law-abiding lawyer again if you still wish to practice law."

"I guess that's the sweetest of dreams," Harvey stated with a small smile.

"And that's what I call final!" Mike exclaimed almost jumping out of his seat. The entire PSL crew stood up, each having their turn at patting Harvey's back and congratulated the jury on their great decision-making process.

Harvey hadn't let go of Donna's hand the entire time. He began to stare at it before pulling her into a gentle hug. He parted her flaming red hair to the side and rested his fingers on the back of her neck.

Donna was holding on to him tightly and heard him say in the crook of her neck, "Damn, I love the law but I love you so much more."

Harvey noticed Seidel and Gibbs were coming up to where they were and disentangled himself from Donna and waited for either of them to speak.

"How does it feel to be a lawyer again?" Seidel asked, shaking Harvey's free hand.

"Despite not knowing that I wasn't, I can't tell you how happy I am to know where I stand," Harvey said and licked his lips before adding, perplexedly, "but what made you decide to suspend me exactly?"

Anita Gibbs jumped in before Seidel could reply and said: "It doesn't matter, really; let's just say we all had a little grudge to take care of against you. You know exactly what we meant by _indefinitely_. There was no point in not rehabilitating you. I think we all wanted to punish you temporarily because of your past decisions and shenanigans. And as far as I'm concerned, as long as you don't hire anymore frauds, you and I are good, Mr. Specter."

"And you get a bit of a hold on me in the process?" Harvey asked with a smug smile on his face.

"You'll have to argue that one with Mr. Cahill," Anita retorted with a laughing smile.

"So what was the official ground for my suspension?" Harvey asked, caressing the small of Donna's back.

"You punched Mr. Malik in the face for no apparent reason; simple misdemeanor," Seidel shrugged, "I hope Ms. Paulsen won't mind."

"Being the no apparent reason? Absolutely not." Donna shook her head, "I'm just wondering how Mr. Malik took it."

"Very badly," Anita Gibbs added with a smirk.

"I think the hatchet is definitely buried, Mrs. Gibbs," Donna said, holding out her hand for Anita to hold.

"Oh but you were right about me the first time, Ms. Paulsen. I'm still a you-know-what but I guess I'm not so cold and heartless," Anita said accepting the kind gesture.

"And how do you think these three legged people would be able to handle themselves if we weren't?" Donna winked at Gibbs.

"Does he know how lucky he is to have you in his life?" Anita asked, raising an eyebrow.

"He can speak for himself and say he's been the luckiest for over half of his adult life," Harvey stated, looking fiercely protective of Donna.

Shaking Harvey's hand, Anita Gibbs added before departing: "Well then, I'm hoping to see you in cou…. elsewhere soon, Mr. Specter."

Seidel bowed out of the conversation by saying, "Well I for one don't want to face you in court, you require too much stamina and I'm getting too old."

"Do you think I require too much stamina?" Harvey asked the woman next to him.

"Harvey? You don't require stamina but high maintenance, good thing I'm an expert in you," Donna said, her nose closing in on his, touching it slightly. "Wanna get…"

"Hey guys," Louis said, preventing Donna from finishing her sentence. "We're gonna get some drinks at the office. And then Jessica's buying dinner."

"Louis!" Jessica stated from afar.

"Okay, I'll take it out of the associates' pocket," Louis retorted.

"Louis?" Jessica scolded.

"Joking!" Louis explained.

* * *

The entire 50th floor was dim-lit; Louis had sent everybody else home and given them the next day off. The gang had been drinking or as they'd kept on saying, abusing drinks inside the executive kitchen for the past two hours, "Hey, you know the new name partner was actually ready to hire a new fraud" Mike said, winking at Harvey.

"Okay, 9:30?" Jessica said, checking the time on her Hermes watch and added, "Let's go have dinner, I'm buying," Jessica said.

Louis cheered and Rachel patted him on the back, smiling.

Mike rolled his eyes and said: "Thank you Jessica cause now we're not going to hear the litt-up of it until the wee hours of the night."

"Told ya she'd pay!" Louis said, exhilarated.

"Is that what he bet on twenty minutes ago?" Jessica asked, unfazed.

"We never should have allowed him to take that vodka pruny," Rachel scoffed.

The blond, the headmistress and the ex-paralegal took their coat off and realized they would probably only need a table for three.

"Are you guys coming?" Mike asked, knowingly.

"We'll be right there," Harvey said not taking his eyes off the woman drinking scotch against the kitchen countertop.

They closed the door on their way out and but kept on talking louder than they might have intended to.

Harvey and Donna chuckled in unison when they heard them say questions and answers ranging from 'do you think they'll ever show?' and 'do they even know where we're going?' to 'I'm definitely not waiting for them."

Harvey suddenly rose up from his chair, making it balance and went to lift the object of his affection up on the countertop. He hiked up her dress slowly so as to stand between her legs. He titled his head back and watched her place her arms around his neck. He completed the warm embrace by meeting her halfway, placing his hands on her waist. He didn't want to speak. Not yet. She seemed not to want that either. Instead, his lips began seeking hers briefly, sweet kissing each of her lips, angling his mouth differently each time until she darted her tongue out between his parted lips. With their hearts on fire they were warming up to something good.

"French kissing… and moa…ning," Harvey hummed against her mouth his own tongue battling against hers; leading up to a match they would both win if they continued their DPA.

"Shut up, Harvey," Donna retorted, loosening his tie until she could unbutton his collar and eventually landing plump kisses on his neck, spending some time near his Adam's apple.

"Just remember how much I want you right now," Harvey said, stopping their kiss and slight beginning of an undressing process. He asked her to take his hand and began leading her out of the executive kitchen.

Never letting go of her hand, he took her to Rachel's office.

"You want to have sex here?" Donna choked on her own words, wide-eyed.

"See that's the funny Donna I've missed so much, I hope your toast at Rachel's wedding will mention the fact that at least you and I never had sex in the file-room," Harvey said.

"That's mean! Kind of a low blow! And how do you know about that again? Forget it… Mike, you guys are truly worse than us women," Donna said hearing him chuckle.

Harvey laughed some more at his antics.

"And you think the executive kitchen's better?" Donna asked, jaded.

"Took them ten minutes to do it; 'took us over a decade to _almost_ do it!" Harvey retorted and added, "you and I are professionals!"

"Professionals at heartaches, you mean?" Donna asked, hitting just a bit too much where it hurt without realizing it.

"Those make for some great love stories, don't they?" Harvey let out.

"What's going on with you? I've never seen you like that," Donna asked, intrigued.

"Rachel's office is where you and I first started at Pearson Hardman." Harvey stated as if indifferent to her question. His feelings were far from indifference though.

"I know…" Donna said, curious.

"The place of salvation… when we left the DA's office we started anew here. You called me on my bullshit regarding Jessica and how I thought I'd never make senior partner," he explained.

Donna realized he was in a pattern mod – not in distress – but like a machine or a compass always pointing north. They walked in the long corridor leading up to her old cubicle. It bothered her for a moment that he made no mention of it; to her it had always been part of a two-spaces-into-one kind of thing.

"My old office, now Mike's, still Pearson Hardman and then Pearson Darvey, then Specter and sometime later just plain Pearson Specter Litt. The place where you objectified my balls every second of every day," Harvey said.

Donna couldn't help but let a small laugh out at his comment.

"Your old cubicle. My favorite spot to be honest. That threshold where you left me; but not before telling me you loved me." Harvey sighed, watching her attentively and added: "When you think about it, I told you I loved you before I left your apartment. And now I think it says a lot about us. People say I don't run away from fights but I do. I did that night. You never did. You said you loved me after saying you were leaving me. That takes balls. You supported me here, through rough times; landing me a hand, hanging my boyhood on the wall and bringing feelings I was holding back on into my life."

They moved to the other side of the main corridor in silence; a melancholic tension building around each of them: different apprehensions and jailed into their own emotional bubbles.

"This is Jessica's old office; my new office. I don't really care about it. I'm just a former managing partner now just name partner. And I'm fine with that. But what I'm more interested in is this office to the left," he said pointing at the COO's office.

He led her into her office.

"Okay, now you're scaring me," she said definitely feeling less at ease than she did four minutes ago. He went to the window and began to stare aimlessly at the night sky. She was about to join him to take in the view when he turned around and walked up to her and kissed her passionately.

Parting his lips from hers he rested his forehead against hers and said: "This is where you made me realize how much of a fool I was all those years. When my life's goal, its entire meaning was staring right back at me all this time. This is where you kissed me… let me have this room with you, just this one. This chapter. This room. This rectangular space where something incredible happened: you opening my eyes. This is where I want to ask you to..." Harvey lost his words, words that seemed to have ruffled Donna. He began searching through his inside jacket and took out a small purple ring box.

"I wanted to do it the night I crashed my car into that pole. I was going to Tiffany's to buy you a ring and ask you. But I didn't. And now I am. Donna, you've been more than a wife to me but would you mind having the honor of bearing that title?" Harvey asked, opening the box and revealing a silver ring.

Donna gave him a quizzical brow and said, "Harvey… this isn't an engagement ring."

"No, I know, I'm one step ahead. It's a wedding band," Harvey said with a small smile, "I'll get you all the engagement rings money can buy. I know women like them because they're expensive and full of carats. Like all those bags I bought you…"

"Any man can buy you a bag but not your boss," Donna acknowledged.

"Buying you bags or flowers reminded me of how it felt like not to be your boss for a moment," Harvey clarified as well.

"Where is yours?" She enquired, a tear falling from her right eye.

"It's in my left pocket," he said and pointed at his pants.

"May I?" she said and he nodded. Donna laughed as she put her hand inside his pocket to look for the ring eyeing him standing and still holding out the ring box to her. She took out the bigger ring and looked at it.

"As your secretary I never would have allowed you to make a proposal like that to the object of your affection. But as I haven't worked directly for you in a long time, I think I have no say in that, do I?" Donna asked.

"No, I'm cheesy. I can't help it but I'm also conniving and manipulative. I change the rules, remember?" Harvey said, giving her his most handsome stare.

"Win a no win situation," Donna agreed.

He nodded back.

"You won the day I met you, Harvey," Donna said giving him her hand so he could put the ring on her left ring finger.

"So I was right when I said you wanted sex," Harvey winked at her, hiding the emotion that was submerging him as much as he could.

"And I know how eager you were to give it to me back then," Donna replied, taking his hand in hers and putting the ring on it.

"But you weren't just a pretty face," he let out.

"No, I wasn't," Donna said and gave him a chaste kiss on the lips before adding, staring at the ground, "you know we'll have to take these off on W-day, right?"

"Your mouth speaks but those aren't the words you want to say, you don't care about that yet," Harvey said, tilting her head back. His stare piercing through hers, he added, "Say what's truly on your mind, Donna."

"I might not be able to give you a child anymore, and I'm not saying 'I' like I'm the only one who can do it, reducing myself to some bullshit stance against femininity, feminism and whatever else. I mean, physically, Harvey…" Donna's voice broke.

"Won't stop me from trying to give it to you," he winked at her; a small tear falling from his eye too. "And give it to you goooood," he joked, putting aside considerations on parenthood which belonged to the uncertainty category of their life together.

"Look at us, crying and signaling yes to each other without saying it," Donna said, pulling him into a hug, "What kind of old married couple are we?"

"The best," Harvey let out nuzzling his nose in the crook of her neck.

Such a monumental event could not go by unnoticed. Yet, no one saw it but them. Fiery hearts that were once young would burn out into a flood of bliss and wash away their owner's pain.

-The end

* * *

 **Hope you guys enjoyed the ending. It's a bit bittersweet, I suppose but I wouldn't have them anyway considering the turn my story took. Can't wait for 7B though... maybe I'll write more. So sorry for the wait again. Review xD**


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